After foraging around in bins outside Ashley Cole’s former school, the Sun have come across his old school report which labels him as violent, disruptive and rude to members of staff, even telling one to teacher “f*** off”.
While you may think that the Sun have stooped to incredible lows through making a news story out of something they found in a bin, fear not, for Perez Shilton’s resident PI Staan Coollymore has stooped even lower. Having already raided the bin from whence Cole’s report came way before the Sun’s roving reporter, he can exclusively reveal the pages, which he claims are genuine*, that he took for himself:
His geography teacher, Mr Johnson wrote:
“Ashley’s behaviour is that of a borderline sex pest and numerous female members of staff have complained about his advances.
“Why, just last week I received a picture of his appendage inside a postcard. However it was addressed to Mrs Johnson, our biology teacher, and I believe a mix up in the post has meant that I have been sent this atrocity.“
His headteacher notes that at the age of around 14, Cole left the school in question to join the school’s arch rivals as “they promised him an extra 2 minutes lunch time each day.”
Cole’s is not the only school report that Staan has got his grubby mitts on. Jamie Carragher’s reads:
“Carragher was an unusually bright and articulate boy, one of the school’s brightest talents, a key member of our debating team and an excellent speaker. This was until he accidentally got his pen lid lodged in his throat whilst sucking it. He now speaks in a garbled form of Scouse and is unable to use pauses in his speech.”
Perhaps less surprising than the revelations found in Carra’s report are those in Wayne Rooney’s:
Reception: “Wayne is an odd boy who sits at the back of the class clutching a potato he has drawn a face on and called “Mr Stevenson” and drawing on his face with crayon. He only ever speaks to ask if ‘Mr Stevenson’ can go to the toilet and to occasionally shout “I like potatos” disruptively.”
As a young boy in his first year of school, this peculiar behaviour is somewhat understandable, for young children, as we all know, are really stupid. However, more worryingly, his school reports for the following 9 years of his education also read:
Years 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9: “Wayne is an odd boy who sits at the back of the class clutching a potato he has drawn a face on and called “Mr Stevenson” and drawing on his face with crayon. He only ever speaks to ask if ‘Mr Stevenson’ can go to the toilet and to occasionally shout “I like potatoes” disruptively.”
A tragic incident, which was to have significant impact on Wayne’s life, occurred in his 11th year in education, aged 15:
Year 10: “Wayne has not stopped sobbing all year after he accidentally ate ‘Mr Stevenson’ during a Chemistry practical. He spends entire lessons banging his head on the desk in a mixture of rage and despair and yelling “Why did you have to go Mr Stevenson?! Why?! Why?!” in between sobs.“
Finally, in Year 11, aged 16, a major breakthrough in Rooney’s development as an adult and as the footballing genius we all know today was achieved:
Year 11: “Turns out young Mr Rooney, despite still being a complete simpleton, is rather good at football. After organising a funeral for ‘Mr Stevenson’, Rooney was able to move on with his life. Sadly, it has not improved his school performance in any way. Have advised him to leave and kick a football around in David Moyes’ front garden.”
The ever ignored, unappreciated and uncared about Manchester United defender, Wes Brown’s, school report read the same thing every year; simply:
“Who?”
*(N.B. There is a high probability that Staan forged these reports)
After Thierry Henry’s, a player very much ‘in his prime’ (
After snooping through clubs’ bins all morning, examining thrown out documents, have I got some shocking news for you:
