Carles Puyol Forces Shirt Over Cesc Fabregas In An Attempt To Capture Him, Literally, For Barcelona

Captain Caveman alike Carles Puyol has created a small controversy after forcing a Barcelona shirt over Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas’ head, in what has been seen as yet another cynical media ploy to prise the Gunner’s captain away from North London.

As of yet, the Catalan club have had little joy securing the midfielder’s signature, with Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger unwilling to discuss a deal, however Puyol is fairly confident that his shirt assault stunt will do the trick.

“I do it all the time,” he explained exclusively* to Shilts. “I see something I want, a throw a Barcelona shirt and pafoomph, I have it! It’s like a pokéball.

“Take my wife for instance. She wasn’t interested at all. So I waited in a car park I knew she had parked in, then, when she returned to her car, I wrestled her to the floor and threw my Barca shirt over her, tied her up and put her in the boot of my car. Then, after three years locked in my closet, she agreed to marry me on the condition that I let her out every few months or so. It’s marital bliss!”

Other things Puyol has accrued using his shirt trick include a 50″ HD TV, a large stash of neanderthal fetish porn, a level 56 Pikachu and an unsafe and illegal amount of plutonium, which he keeps in his shed. “All of it free! It’s a real money saver, tell your readers to try it themselves!”

Zidane advises that if you are an international footballer of the stature of Puyol, or in job which earns you a similar rate of pay, and have an expert legal team, feel free to try this method yourself.

*(and fictionally)

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Luka Modric Exposed As Lady Gaga’s New Persona

Lady Gaga is renowned all over the globe for her outrageous, outré and eccentric personas and costumes; the human lampshade, the human windscreen wiper, the human man and so on, but her latest reincarnation appears to have topped the lot. A source has revealed to Perez Shilton that she has been masquerading as a tenacious Croatian playmaker, plying their trade at Tottenham Hotspur and going under the moniker of ‘Luka Modric’.

“It is her most brilliant character yet,” claims illustrious hipster critic Jonathan T. Bellend. “Gaga continues to push the boundaries on her quest to expose the universal truths of love, morality and sexual desire by occasionally setting up Jermaine Defoe with some nifty passes. She really is a genius.”

Like a true performing artist, Gaga has really thrown herself into her Modric guise, aiding Spurs’ cause with seven goals in all competitions, earning a place in Slaven Bilic’s Croatia squad and even breaking her leg for four months to “examine what it means to be human through the common experience of being unavailable for Carling Cup matches” explains T. Bellend.

Musicians making appearances in football is by no means a new phenomenon. Eagle eyed fans will have spotted A-Ha frontman Morten Harket turning out for Macclesfield Town and Juventus whilst David Bowie effectively disguised himself as former Trinidadian goalkeeper Clayton Ince for six years as part of his ‘Crewe Alexandra’ era.

Zidane’s Tips and Fiddles

When house hunting, always ask the estate agent if there are any known security issues with the houses you visit (e.g. broken locks, flimsy windows, faulty alarms, underground passages etc.).  If he says yes, ask him to show you them, take note of their weaknesses and how they can be exploited, then come back later and burgle away!

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Carlos Tevez’s Agent Explains His Neville Jibe, More Portsmouth Outgoings And How To Get The Police Off Your Back

Carlos Tevez’s agent, Kia Joorabchian, has defended the burnt-necked Argentinian’s comments about Gary Neville, which branded Neville a “moron” and a “bootlicker”, saying that they were taken “out of context” and that “sometimes comments get a bit lost in translation.”

In an exclusive interview with Perez Shilton Kia further eloborated:

“Carlos is a fun loving guy and would never dream of saying the awful things they accused him of saying.

“What he meant to say was that Gary Neville is a rat faced cunt whom he hopes dies after ingesting rodenticide, the British press got the translation wrong, took it completely out of context and blew everything out of proportion.”

Update: Kia has since emailed Shilts and told me that I took his quotes out of context and that I misinterpreted the rodenticide bit with an anecdote about molesting at the dentist.

However he still maintains that Neville is a “cunt”.

Little Johnny’s Transfer Tip Offs
“Portsmouth to sell off every asset, from players, to the staff, to the dressing room hinges to the secretary’s stapler and Avram Grant’s extensive collection of obscure 70s porn magazines by the end of this transfer window. Everything apart from Hassan Yebda. Nobody will buy him.”

Zidane’s Tips and Fiddles

“One way of getting yourself out of trouble with the police after hitting a cyclist in your automobile, whilst driving 120mph through a busy town center and being considerably over the legal alcohol consumption limit, is to be three time FIFA World Player of the Year and World Cup winner, Zinedine Zidane. Works for me every time.”

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New Shilts Addition Gordon Banksy, Adebayor, Twitter and (a bit) More

To compensate for there being no actual gossip to report on today, your man Shilts has been busy recruiting a new member to the Perez Shilton team in the shape of cult guerrilla graffiti artist/serial bellend; Gordon Banksy.

He will occasionally stop by the Perez Shilton offices to deliver his satirical masterpieces, cutting the powers that be in the footballing world down to size, shaking up the system and sending a clear message to The Man and the corporatism in the game today, whilst earning a tidy fee for his artwork.

Is he a genius or just a twat with Photoshop? Shilts will let you decide. But he assumes your answer will be the latter.

Here is his first piece entitled: ‘Adebayor Pisses In The Faces Of The Arsenal Fans’ which offers a fresh, thought provoking and insightful view on the Adebayor incident last week:

©Gordon Banksy 2009

As if that wasn’t enough, Shilts has gone all über modern by getting a Twitter account where you can ‘follow’ his pointless ‘Tweets’, delivering you round-the-clock footballing gossip and hearsay that clearly isn’t even good enough to meet the low, low standards required to be in this blog you can’t live without!

Staan’s Snoopings

Which Stoke midfielder has been spotted by Staan playing strip badminton with Cilla Black?
Staan Coollymore says: “Tuncay.”

Zidane’s Tips & Fiddles

“Scrubbing yourself with scouring pads covered with bleach is a good way of getting paint off your skin.”

Sol Campbell Leaves Notts County, Romans, Redknapps and (a bit) More

Notts County have confirmed that their big name summer acquisition, ex-Jesus apostle Portsmouth, Tottenham and Arsenal centre back JudasSol Campbell, has sensationally quit after playing his heart out for the clubone game before realising that Sven no longer has any say in picking the England squad he was a bit harsh on Jesus Notts County are shit Notts County are shit.

Despite his miniature stay, Sol still managed to earn an impressive £40,000 per game lost, a ratio which has drawn much admiration from Graeme Souness and John Barnes, who have both been unable thus far to replicate Sol’s successful failure in their managerial careers.

Your man Shilts has it from an insider that Sol will sign a contract with Notts County arch rivals Nottingham Forest tomorrow, then with Derby a week later before finally securing a lucrative four year deal with Pontius Pilate and the Romans the fortnight after.

Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp is said looking to snap him up in the January transfer window in his eternal bid to recreate classic Spurs teams through the ages, needing Sol’s signature, along with those of Tim Sherwood and Darren Anderton, in order to complete his 1999 League Cup winning Spurs squad.

Speaking on possibility of the deal, insightful and eloquent wordsmith, unbiased Sky Sports pundit and Harry Redknapp fan, Jamie Redknapp says:

“Take tht Arsenal! lol. u gt pwned cos Sol ave cum 2 us an he is a big man wiv gd skills like passin, backstabbin and passin. I am nt jus sayin this cos i luv Spurs, I am also sayin it so tht dad will let me go on his Wii.”

Despite all this, Sol still seems pretty confident of reclaiming his England spot stating:

“If David Beckham can make a bit of a prick out of himself and get a call up, why can’t I?”

Staan’s Snoopings

Which Premier League player might have been seen by Staan puncturing small childrens’ footballs with an axe in local play parks?

Staan Coollymore says: “Dean Ashton.”

Zidane’s Tips & Fiddles

“Drinking battery acid is good for the soul, but not for the internal organs.”

Ronaldinho Considers Alternative Careers, Casseroles, Can Openers & (a bit) More

There is much speculation that bucktoothed maestro, Ronaldinho, might be considering retiring from the game.

While this may come as a shock, your man Shilts has it from a number of sources close to bucktoothed maestro Ronaldinho that he is already considering several career paths after he hangs up his boots.

The most likely mooted so far are:

Circus Freak

With his jaw droppingly useless ball juggling skills and his natural freakishness, a life as in the circus goes hand in hand with the career ambitions of bucktoothed maestro Ronaldinho.

“He’ll fit right in with the other freaks,” says Coco the Clown. “He can balance on his teeth and has a ponytail. Perfect.”

Can Opener

With his ginormous incisors, bucktoothed maestro Ronaldinho would be ideally suited to opening tins, cans and security doors. However, with tin and can openers readily available at affordable prices this is probably not the sort of niche market that bucktoothed maestro Ronaldinho will be looking into.

Ronaldinho Impersonator

With his hideous teeth, his wanky ponytail and his incredible pointless ball juggling skills, bucktoothed maestro Ronaldinho would be ideally suited to impersonating bucktoothed maestro Ronaldinho.

Rumour has it that bucktoothed maestro Ronaldinho is already active on the bucktoothed maestro Ronaldinho impersonation circuit. However others claim that it is a sterling effort on the behalf of Neil Ruddock, who is a cult hero on the impersonation scene.

Staan’s Snoopings

Which angry Man City benchwarmer is rumoured to enjoy urinating through letterboxes in his spare time?

Staan Coollymore says: “Craig Bellamy.”

Zidane’s Tips & Fiddles

“In order to make the perfect casserole, you must first master the art of fighting wolves, then buy all of the necessary ingredients.”

FIFA Tapped Me Up, Man Raised By Bears and (a bit) More

As Shilts was sat on a park bench minding his own business, leafing through the morning papers and circling points of interest with his trusty red marker pen, who should come bumbling up to him? None other than Sepp Blatter, President of FIFA, himself.

“Alright Shilts, might I enquire as to why you are circling strangers in the lonely hearts pages of the Metro?” Blatter had the temerity to ask.

“Piss off Sepp!” I yelled and threw the marker pen at him, knocking him unconscious for three or so minutes.

When he finally awoke he showed a lack of basic human decency when he once again disturbed me from my reading of the papers. “What was that for?” he had the gaul to ask.

“What is wrong with you?!” I yelled, quite rightly, landing a trademark Shilts haymaker to Blatter’s skull.

“Please Shilts, I only came to offer you a job as an IT consultant at FIFA, for I know you have a talent for spreadsheets” he pleaded.

At this point I lost my rag completely. “HOW DARE YOU?! You come here and have the nerve to offer me a job unsolicited. I shall report your organisation to FIFA!” I screamed and then kicked Sepp into a nearby pond.

Shilts has filed his complaint against FIFA to FIFA but alas has to wait in line behind the other 5982 clubs all filing complaints to FIFA against each other

Staan’s Snoopings

Which Premier League boss was reportedly raised by a pack of bears and has to prevent his bear-y urges to maul humans with therapy?

Staan Coollymore says: “Roy Hodgson.”

Zidane’s Tips and Fiddles

“A good way to get revenge on someone after being the victim of a practical joke is to set fire to their car.”

Patrice Evra’s DJ Set, Further Portsmouth Sales, Morris Dancing and (a bit) More

Patrice Evra has revealed that he is the resident DJ in the Manchester United dressing room, with the Frenchman’s DJ CV including kids parties and seeing Fatboy Slim live once.

“It’s a hard job because John O’Shea always begs until he breaks into tears to hear Kajagoogoo, which everybody else refuses to listen to, and then they subsequently bully John by giving him beats and setting fire to his clothes, and this makes me feel bad sometimes,” says Patrice, speaking exclusively to Perez Shilton.

“I enjoy the role very much. Before the match I sit down in my room and work out a playlist, it normally takes about 4 to 5 hours. Of course, we never hear any of it cos the gaffer refuses to listen to anything other than his Best Of The Proclaimers CD on permanent repeat.”

“It’s good that Michael Owen has joined cos he sometimes brings his light up mini disco ball and we have a little rave until it runs out of batteries.”

Other footballing DJs include Manuel Almunia at Arsenal, who plays a selection of traditional English folk songs and dresses up as a morris dancer in an attempt to get picked in Fabio Capello’s England squad and Des Lynam, who goes by the name of DJ Shitbox and plays a tight drum and bass set every Tuesday.

Little Johnny’s Transfer Tip-Off Of The Day

“Portsmouth to sell entire team by Friday, you can bet your dad!”

Staan’s Snoopings

Which WAG has been seen canoodling with Zack Efron at a recent award ceremony?

Staan Coollymore says: “Jamie Redknapp.”

Zidane’s Tips and Fiddles

“Eliminate car odours by sprinkling Baking Soda directly on fabric car seats and carpets. Wait 15 minutes (or longer for strong odours) and vacuum up the odours with the Baking Soda.”

Carlos Tevez’s Band, Eboué’s Secret Vice, The Neville Brothers and (a bit) More

Carlos Tevez in a band! Imagine that! You don’t have to, cos it’s true. His band, Piola Vago, is a combination of Carlos, his brother Diego and badass Argentinean hip hop. And third degree neck burns.

Whilst some of you might’ve already been aware of Tevez’s band, your man Shilts has found some less known footballers’ bands may or may not be aware of:

The Neville Brothers

A New Orleans/Greater Manchester based American R&B and Soul group formed in 1997 by brothers Gary and Neville and managed by their dad Neville Neville, the two took the Bury R&B and Soul scene by storm with their hits ‘Defending My Heart’ ‘You Took Me From The Full Back Position and Pushed Me Forward’ and the theme from Shaft. They had a long standing feud with Da Ferdinand Brovaz, Rio and Anton, who released this song slating the pair, which culminated in Phil getting severely merked when Anton burned down his house and surrounding estate.

Rafa Benitez

When not buying excess Spaniards for his Liverpool squad, Rafa Benitez spends much of his time appearing on national talent shows and wowing people with his ‘surprising’ voice.

“It sounds like Speedy Gonzalez being strangled with a phone cord,” remarked one audience member.

Emmanuel Eboué

The hapless Ivorian has become a cult hit in the underground music scene for his spot-on impersonation of legendary Rat Pack member Sammy Davis Jr.

He belts out a selection of both the Rat Pack and Sammy’s greatest hits every night at selected nightclubs, with his version of ‘The Candy Man’ reported to be so powerful and moving that both Mr T and Bruce Willis wept upon hearing it. Many women throw their underwear at Eboué and plead with him to father their unborn children, which Emmanuel is only to happy to oblige.

Little Johnny’s Transfer Tip-Off Of The Day

“John Barnes will exchange his royalties from the Anfield Rap in order to procure the services of Seol Ki-Hyeon, you can bet your mum!”

Staan’s Snoopings

Which ex Fulham star has been found lurking in David Hasselhoff’s garden with a disposable camera and a pack of condoms?

Stan Coollymore says: “Moritz Volz.”

Zidane’s Tips and Fiddles

“Here’s a quick way to brighten up your cutlery. Add a little ammonia to your usual paste polish and apply it to silver-plated and stainless-steel cutlery with a soft cloth. Rub with a clean cloth to finish.”

Arsene Knows Even More Than He Lets On, Pig Sodomy and (a bit) More

Arsenal manager Arséne Wenger, famous for claiming to see less things than Stevie Wonder in a dark room, has admitted that: “sometimes I see [incidents]  but I say that I didn’t see it to protect the players and because I could not find any rational explanation for what they did.”

Which is sort of fair enough, but your man Shilts has used his sources to find out other things the wily Frenchman has seen and then denied ever seeing:

-Francis Jeffers

-Emmanuel Eboue’s evident lack of footballing talent

-Alisher Usmanov’s testicles

-Who shot JFK

-The Holy Grail

-The future

-Bad Boys 2

-Lee Dixon masturbating a pig

Little Johnny’s Transfer Tip-Off Of The Day

“Andrew Castle to Spurs, just waiting on a medical!”

Staan’s Snoopings

Which England international has been banned from every hotel in Cleethorpes for shitting in beds?

Staan Coollymore says: “Ashley Cole.”

Zidane’s Tips and Fiddles

“If you don’t like to hang clothes on the line because they dry stiff, dry them for 10 to 15 minutes in the dryer, then hang them out. You’ll save money and your clothes will be dryer soft.”