With England Matches Now Being Shown Online At Extortionate Prices, Shilts Provides An Alternative…

PhotobucketShilts was amazed to discover that some people actually paid to use the online service which allowed them to watch England lose to Ukraine. The companies behind said business venture Kentaro and Perform, have proclaimed it a “great success” with around half a million fans paying £4.99 to £11.99 to watch a pixelly England play shite.

Inspired by the company’s abilities to make money from absolute tosh, Shilts has devised his own media service and called it ShiltOnTV, here’s what you can expect from its output should it get investment:


Every Disappointing Result

Whether it’s a 0-0 home draw against Skegness or a 6-0 derby defeat for your team, after gaining exclusive rights to every disappointing match in the Premiership, you can guarantee that any game on ShiltOnTV will result in crushing disatisfaction and frustration on your behalf!

I’m There!-o-Vision

A lot of people say that watching football on TV/the internet robs you of the atmosphere of actually being in the stadium. Well not anymore! The revolutionary and innovative I’m There!-o-Vision allows viewers at home to feel closer than ever before.

  • Hear! the constant sounds of the excruciatingly annoying air horns at their true, unaltered volume
  • See! the back of a burly bald man’s head as he stands in front of the camera and shouts various expletives and obscures your view in glorious high definition
  • Taste! the authentic and unique blend of body odour and grease of stadium cuisine with our own delivery service, accessible via the red button, delivering overpriced pies and kebabs straight to your door by a disgruntled and rude old woman. In an extra touch, upon selecting this option, to simulate authentic stadium queues, a father and son will appear on screen. The son will jig about, exclaiming “I need a wee daddy!” whilst the father desperately and unsuccessfully tries to shut him up without causing a scene.

Excellent Punditry

Having assembled a team comprising of Andy Townsend, Jamie Redknapp, Alan Shearer and a bag of sawdust, hosted by Ray Winstone, Shilts feels that he has found the very best pundits in the land adept at spouting mundane clichés whilst providing no actual insight and a chubby man with no connection to football whatsoever, the winning formula for any footballing panel these days.


Fan Interaction

Fans can interact with the channel in a variety of ways. From voting on the colour of Ray Winstone’s tie to sending in ignored suggestions on how to improve it’s shows. It’s as if you’re running the place!

The Money Maker

If fans are willing to pay money to watch England getting beaten by Andriy Shevchenko, then Shilts is sure that this last idea will be a hit:

A premium service where fans can pay excessive amounts to watch Roy Hodgson on a 24-hour webcam masturbating furiously whilst weeping, only stopping briefly once a week to select Fulham’s starting line up and tactics.

That’s all. Any interested TV moguls reading this, drop me a line.


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