Marlon King Shares His Secrets For Dating Success

PhotobucketMorning all.

Shilts has a special treat for you today, oh yes. He’s only gone and got famed ladies man and romantic lothario Marlon King to give you all some of his top secret dating tips! Without further ado:

Marlon King’s Secrets For Dating Success:

“In order to first woo your woman, first tell her that you are a Premiership footballer. If this doesn’t work then tell her how much money you earn. If this doesn’t work tell her that you formed an effective strike partnership with Dean Windass. If this last statement doesn’t work just go home.

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“Once you have seduced your woman, you must find an ideal location for your date. The location is all important. Make sure you pick somewhere with minimal exits so that you avoid the risk your woman might leave if the date isn’t going so well or if she, like many women, feels the need to go home and cook a pie or a casserole or do some cleaning. A back alley or a car park are always good spots and set a nice ‘you ain’t goin anywhere’ tone to the evening, which she will most certainly find a turn-on, much like bondage.

“Make sure you have a great soundtrack for the evening. I find ‘Bitches Ain’t Shit’ by Dr Dre & Snoop Dogg always helps get her in the mood.

“Time for the meal now. Bring out your Dairylea Lunchables and, as a gentleman, allow her to arrange them how she sees fit. However, if she puts too much ham as opposed to cheese in, or vice versa, feel free to snatch the Lunchables off her and show her how it’s done, whilst chastising her along the way. This will make you appear powerful and will no doubt excite her.

“For drinks, I recommend the Marlon cocktail which I invented myself. It’s 60% vodka, 10% rohypnol, 10% chloroform, 10% orange juice, 5% butter and 5% petrol. It works a treat everytime, making you appear 276% more attractive to the average female.

“If your woman is feeling a bit sleepy/goes to sleep now, do the honourable thing:

“Take her home and tuck her into bed, making sure to clean her house from top to bottom and leave rose petals on her bed. Order in a string quartet to play her soothing classical music and strategically places candles around her bedroom to give her a magical wake up. When she wakes up, compliment her eyes and personality and buy her an expensive piece of jewellery.

“Then punch her in the face and finger her. Bitches always like that.”

Ahem, for legal reasons Shilts cannot condone any of Marlon’s suggested techniques, even though they are probably very effective, as they may result in you going to jail/prison/a juvenile correction centre/Middlesborough on loan.

Also, any resemblance here between Marlon King the Jamican striker and the Marlon King mentioned here are purely coincidental/intentional* (*delete where applicable).

Staan’s Snoopings

PhotobucketWhich Premiership striker, disillusioned with the glamorous lifestyle of today’s footballers and against his manager’s best wishes, has chosen to live among a herd of cows with his days consisting of solely eating grass and similar foliage and shitting in fields?

Staan Coollymore says: “Dave Nugent.”

Zidane’s Tips and Fiddles

Photobucket“Installing an oil slick system in the back of your car is always helpful when you are trying to outrun the police after being seen fly tipping.”

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