Robin Van Persie Rubs Horse Placenta Into His Ankle & Other Footballing Home Remedies

PhotobucketAfter rumours that Arsenal striker Robin Van Persie is allegedly looking to have a Serbian housewife massage horse placenta fluid into his injured left ankle, your man Shilts has uncovered some of the game’s top players unusual home remedies you might not have heard about…

Teddy Sheringham

The veteran striker has been around longer than Dean Windass and a two-year-old combined, playing in over 897 games. But what’s the secret to his longevity? Shilts has it on no authority that Ted bathes in a vat of children’s urine every night to preserve his youthful essence before making sure to put himself into a tightly sealed biscuit tin so that he doesn’t go off.

Petr Cech

When the former best keeper in the world had his skull crushed by Stephen Hunt, the big Serb allegedly (according to Shilts) soaked his head in a mixture of vinegar and concrete every night to make his bean harder than ever before. Scientists claim that his head now shares the same properties as ‘a concrete slab covered in vinegar. Or a Harry Ramsden’s chip’*.


Glenn Hoddle

Every knows how football’s most famous disability offender took faith healer Eileen Drewery to World Cup 98 as part of England’s coaching staff.

What fewer people know is that he also attached batteries to his players’ nipples and made them play subbuteo whilst giving them high voltage electric shocks to ‘get their footballing juices flowing’. He also made them wear garlic at all times to ward off vampires.

Tony Pulis

“_________ Is Magic, He Wears A Magic Hat…”

It’s a popular tune on the terraces and is sung without fiction at the Britannia Stadium. The Stoke boss says he found his magic hat in an enchanted cave after slaying a dragon, with other sources claiming it was from a JJB Sports in Newport.

Wherever he got it from, the cap allows him to both make enlightened tactical decisions, like telling Rory Delap to throw the ball into the box and hoping that one of his players boots it in, and cast spells on warlocks up to level 78, thus you will never see the wily Welshman without it on matchday.

His glasses on the other hand, give him the unique ability to be blind to Robert Huth’s incompetence as a defender.

*Take that Harry Ramsden! NB Shilts has had many a run in with the chip tycoon that he’d prefer not to go into…

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