More Premiership Manager AND Tiger Woods Scandals Revealed; The Double Whammy Of Libellous Gossip

PhotobucketShilts returns from obscurity, like Robbie Williams or a chronic gout problem, to bring you the latest football gossip.

With all the furore surrounding The Sun’s allegations that a Premiership boss has been seen in a Thai brothel, and their subsequent refusal to print said manager’s name due to privacy laws, Shilts has decided to jump on the exposé bandwagon by asking resident private eye Staan Coollymore to dish out the Premiership managers’ biggest secrets on a platter of steaming truth:

Unlike The Sun, Staan has no shame in printing names, something which Shilts hopes doesn’t get him sued. Although he doubts it will as much of Staan’s findings (may) be (only slightly) fictional.

PhotobucketStaan’s Snoopings (Manager Edition)

David Moyes

Staan can swear he saw the ginger Scotsman playing golf with Tiger Woods and can reveal the two had a ten year long affair together, sharing a holiday home in Cleethorpes, with Tiger’s pet name for David in the bedroom reportedly being ‘Squirrel Nut-king’ due to the nature of his genitals.

Sam Allardyce
Big Sam, as he is known, is also known to enjoy dressing up as Santa, entering Toys R Us and smashing up toys with a sledgehammer in front of distraught toddlers, declaring Christmas to be cancelled and Rudolph to be dead before faking a seizure and vomitting on the most upset child.

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Arsené Wenger

Arsené can often be found sunbathing nude on the roofs of strangers’ greenhouses and conservatories with the owners still inside.

Carlo Ancelloti

The Chelsea boss has been seen entering pet shops, whilst dressed convincingly as Ray Mears, and shooting goldfish with a crossbow, declaring “out here in the wild, it’s either us or them” then feasting on them with his bare hands and leaving the shop without paying.

Steve Bruce

Steve is rumoured to have someone else’s face. The result of an April Fools Day prank gone wrong, Bruce had plastic surgery done so that he was the doppleganger of a friend with borderline personality disorder. He then pretended to be part of said friend’s imagination for the whole day, instructing the friend to commit various acts of arson, traffic offences and to buy Love Actually on DVD individually 47 times in a row from the same branch of HMV, each time from the same confused member of staff. Bruce later found out to his dismay that the surgery was irreversible and has had the same face ever since.

Shilts wishes you many seasonal greetings with Christmas only one sleep away! Shilts can’t wait as he is getting a Ben 10 watch and some eczema cream. Hopefully Santa similarly fulfils all your dreams. Unless of course your dreams include bestiality and grave robbery, in which case, hopefully Santa chooses to just give you a Blackadder boxset and some socks. Merry Christmas.

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more Shiltings of no worth.

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