The Definitive Transfer Deadline Day Round-Up

PhotobucketLittle Johnny returns to bring you the news on all 793 lower division loan signings in for the crucial last 40 minutes of the transfer window, with devastating inaccuarcy.

1620: Ray Parlour to make sensational return to bolster the Arsenal midfield. Mark my words. As incorrect.

1621: Portsmouth look set to pull off one of the bargains of the day with the addition of veteran kids TV presenter, Neil Buchanan.

1622: My uncle just saw saw Gary Doherty in the Macclesfield branch of Greggs, choking on a baguette.

1623: As we speak, I have given up my job, become a taxi driver and am currently driving Linvoy Primus down to Maplins to pick up an extension cable.

1624: My mate just saw Jimmy Greaves cycling towards the St. Johnstone ground at ample pace. Will keep you posted.

1625: Oh dear, he’s fallen off apparently. But he has defiantly remounted his bicycle and is back on his way.

1626: Sadly, Greavesy has given up and is currently perched on the roadside, trying to hitchhike a lift back to Tesco.

1636: What a shame. Jimmy Bullard, who has just recently returned from yet another injury, has fallen down a well and broken his pelvis and three of his four limbs.

1639: Ryan Naysmith, of Harchester United fame, has been spotted outside the grounds of Arsenal, Manchester United and Liverpool, all in the last 5 minutes.

1642: Michael Owen has turned up at Everton and asked if he can join in with training. The bigger lads have said ‘no’ and thrown stones at him for being small.

1646: Mido’s move to West Ham is in jeopardy after he wandered off looking for a good kebab takeout in the area.

1649: Edgar Davids has bought some trendy new glasses from Boots.

1652: Emmanuel Eboue has been courting interest from both Manchester City and Real Madrid, who both look set to splash out £5 on the Ivorian megastar right back.

1658: Blimey! Harry Redknapp has just shipped off Heurelho Gomes, Jimmy Walker, Carlo Cudicini, Lee Butcher, Ben Alnwick, David Button, Oscar Jansson, Alan Hutton, Gareth Bale, Sebastien Bassong, Michael Dawson, Vedran Corluka, Ledley King, Calum Butcher, Dorian Dervite, Benoit Assou-Ekotto, Jonathan Woodgate,David Bentley, Tom Huddlestone, Jermaine Jenas, Wilson Palacios, Luka Modric, Niko Kranjcar, Danny Rose, John Bostock, Dean Parrett, Aaron Lennon, Roman Pavlyuchenko, Robbie Keane, Peter Crouch and Jermain Defoe to Sunderland!

1659: I can confirm that Redknapp has just resigned all of these players.

1700: As the transfer window slams shut and shatters everywhere, Little Johnny can confirm that absolutely no good signings happened today. In fact, he is devastated that he wasted his time reporting on it instead of watching Loose Women. He’s off to have a cry now.

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more Shiltings of no worth.

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