Saving Portsmouth: The Charity Appeal

Shilts was saddened to hear of Portsmouth’s seemingly impossible seven day plight to stay existing due to a winding up order. So saddened in fact, that he has set up a charity in order to help them entitled:

‘Pity Pennies For Pompey’

If you, an affluent person, affected by the recession only to the extent that you have lost your job, home, wife, shoe buffer etc., feel sympathy for a recent FA Cup winning, multi million pound Premiership club, who have got into a spot of bother by spending more than they actually had and who might have (probably accidentally) neglected to pay other clubs for the services of their players, then ‘Pity Pennies For Pompey’ is just the charity for you.

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Here’s what your money will go towards:

  • The purchasing of Lars Jacobsen: For as little as £3 million, you can provide Pompey with another average quality Scandinavian full back. For another £3 million, you can pay Blackburn’s full asking price for the player, but this payment can be a few months later.
  • Katie Price: Pompey boss Avram Grant has to settle for Thai prostitutes that he finds “too old”. Shilts reckons he would prefer Jordan, and we here at PPFP, with the aid of your generous contributions, can make that happen. All we need to do is get Avram onto a dross talent show, prove him to be slightly popular and not completely hated by the public (by using your money to ring up and vote repeatedly), and voila, Katie should have divorced that loser Alex Reid and be away with Avram within a week.
  • Keeping Kanu In Kollege: An offshoot of PPFM, KKIK aims to provide football’s Peter Pan, Nwankwo Kanu, who is 9 years old this March, with school uniform, lunch money and Ben 10 toys. This way, little Nwankwo will be able to study his GCSEs and achieve his dream of becoming a welder in a comfortable and secure environment.

You can donate to PPFM in a number of ways. Either post your money through current chairman Sulaiman Al Fahim Ali Al-Faraj Papa Bouba Diop Terry Nutkins Balram Chainrai’s letterbox (or leave it under his plant pot if he’s not in to collect) or deposit it into Shilts’ bank account (email for details).

Please note that Shilts will take a 95% cut of all money donated as Portsmouth still owe me for some hair care products they never got round to paying me back for.

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more Shiltings of no worth.

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