England Vs Egypt: As It Happened

For those of you without access to a television set, and foolish enough not to read the BBC’s live text, Shilts will guide you through tonight’s match between England’s friendly against Egypt as smoothly as a tourguide on his first day of the job, who hasn’t learnt any interesting stats, facts or anecdotes and must rely on ITV to provide everything he comments on.

Should be marginally better than Andy Townsend’s analysis.

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England 3 – 1 Egypt

T-minus 8 minutes to kick off: Paul Robinson is about as charismatic a pundit as a scouring pad that has been used to clean up sick in an OAP home.

T-minus 5 minutes to kick off: Wonder how many close ups of John Terry ITV will try and use before a cameraman gouges out his eye.

T-minus 3 minutes to kick off: No risk of the ITV commentators failing to be patronising towards Egypt tonight – winning the African Cup of Nations has already been described as a ‘meagre consolation’ prize.

Kick off: Finally got my team sheets from my assistant – little Billy Hopkins from down the road. Don’t worry – I threw a brick at him for his lack of punctuality.

England: Green, Brown, Terry, Upson, Baines, Walcott, Lampard, Barry, Gerrard, Rooney, Defoe. Subs: James, Milner, Warnock, Carrick, Lescott, Shawcross, Beckham, Wright-Phillips, Crouch, Heskey, Cole, Downing, Hart, the Baker Twins, McGivern, Wilson, Hall, Turner, Jeffrey Piven.

Egypt: Hossam Ghaly, This guy called Zidane, Amir Zaki and some other chaps.

4.00: Upon noticing Little Billy’s clearly improvised team sheet, I took it upon myself to smash up his bicycle.

5.00: Walcott pelts forward as fast as a scally after nicking something from Tesco and puts in a lovely little ball for Lampard, who shits himself in front of goal and boots it at the keeper.

7.00: Rooney’s enjoying a good spell of giving the ball away at the moment. Interesting tactic from Capello, let’s see how it pans out.

9.00: Egypt get a corner but don’t bother threatening goal and give it straight back to England. Nice fellows.

10.00: Al-Muhammadi is causing England all sorts of problems down the right hand side, much like a leaking sink or trying to explain spilling acid over an annoying nephew.

12.00: Defoe runs into the box and trips over. Good effort lad.

15.00: The Egyptian goalkeeper El Hadari performs a hilarious mid trip diving header, reminiscent of Rene Higuita’s infamous scorpion kick, but much more shit.

17.00: Andy Townsend pinpoints Gareth Barry and Stevie Gerrard having a polite conversation as the reason for England’s formation selection. Excellent punditry.

21.00: Clive Tyldesley goes to pull out an interesting anecdote about Robert Green, but just falls short. Unlucky son.

22.00: Bloody hell, is that Macy Grey on the subs bench? Oh wait, it’s David James. My bad. LOLS! Tell your friends that one. No don’t, it’s mine.

24.00: GOAL! Egypt make it 1-0 when Mohamed Zidan twats it into the bottom left after his marker, Matthew Upson, slips over like a clown treading on banana skin covered in lubricant.

He needed to wake up – he thought it was Sunday and he could have a lie in, but it was Monday and he needed to be up by 7 to do his paper round.

29.00: Wayne Rooney’s ‘lethal head’ (quote Tydesley) tries to score from outside the box. No casualties this time.

32.00: Rooney is so impressed with Egypt’s football he starts shouting angrily. I used to do similar things in my old day job as a surgeon’s assistant, although it was this habit which got me fired and lead to the surgeon having a breakdown whilst performing a double heart bypass.

34.00: Frank Lampard, nicknamed ‘Fat Lumpard’ by some of the media (mainly and admittedly exclusively by me) misses a half chance. Townsend says he had to score. Townsend’s a tosser.

36.00: (Via postcard from John Wilkins from Berkshire) “Theo Walcott’s doing a lot of running.”

Thanks for that John.

39.00: Nearly a GOAL! Defoe forces a good save. Corner.

40.00: John Terry nearly scores from the corner. Gets booed in the process.

44.00: Fabio Capello’s resemblance to a Bo Selecta mask is a little unnerving to say the least.

47.00: The half ends with a disappointing corner. If I was being a proper lazy, clichéd twat, I would say ‘that sums up England’s half’. It doesn’t really but I’m a lazy, cliché loving twat.

Half Time Analysis

From Jamie Redknapp:

“England ave had a mixed bag of potatoes of a half. On the one hand, they’re losing, but on the other hand they have only scored one goal less so I fink we can take away a lot of positives.

“Fabio will be telling them lads ‘Listen, we can do this, we can win at football!’ That’ll get them fired up. I’m getting fired up just saying it.

“In fact, I’m gonna go and punch my cushions and pretend its some bad guys like Nazis or people who tell me I can’t have too many bags of Skittles. I FUCKIN LOVE SKITTLES! …I’m sorry Louise, I didn’ mean ta swear, I just got overexcited- no please! I don’t wanna go to bed now! I don’t wanna! I was gonna play Crash Bandicoot on Playstation! Aw please! Listen I got to go I- I’m just coming Louise!…”

From Paul Robinson

“England are not winning. Egypt are not losing. England need to be winning, Egypt need to be losing. That is how we should go about the second half.”

Second Half

45.00: Peter Crouch on for Defoe after spending the first 45 minutes in a mangle in the England dressing room to try and get a few more inches in the air.

46.00: I don’t like it when goalkeepers wear trousers. Take them off El Hadari. TAKE THEM OFF!

48.00: Rooney does a little turn and threads a nice little ball through to El Hadari’s hands.

49.00: Wes (is he ginger?) Brown needlessly gives away the ball and Egypt get a corner. Which they waste.

52.00: Gerrard has the ball in the middle of the park and just punts it aimlessly. Top class.

56.00: GOAL! Gareth Barry puts a nice ball into the box and Peter Crouch scoops the ball into the net with his spindly leg, like a JCB digger. Supreme.

60.00: Crouch pulls out a brilliant backheeled pass to Gerrard. Gerrard dribbles it wide. Great player.

63.00: Crouch attempts a bicycle kick, whilst looking as graceful as a ladder falling over, misses the ball completely, then Rooney tries the same, makes contact but it sails over.

65.00: Rooney gets behind the Egyptian defence as easily as James Bond infiltrating a cub scout meeting but narrowly pokes it towards the touchline.

71.00: Haven’t been watching for a while. Some stuff has happened. Probably.

74.00: GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAL! Ooosh! What a strike! Shaun Wright Phillips tamely punts the ball straight at the Egyptian goalkeeper, who parries the ball into the net for no reason. What a heroic strike from SWP.

77.00: If ITV are to be believed, England have won already. Egypt needn’t bother play the next 13 minutes plus stoppage time, the donuts.

79.00: GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL! Peter Crouch stands miles offside and  taps it in! What brilliant positioning from the lanky marksman. How can Capello leave him out the South Africa squad?

85.00: Wayne Rooney gets subbed and gives his captain’s armband to Gareth Barry, rather sensibly over John Terry, who has been getting as much abuse as a chubby kid with glasses who had defecated over his ‘My Little Pony’ lunchbox on his first day of secondary school and then burst into tears.

86.00: …and then accidentally uttered an embarrassing innuendo about his mother during assembly.

89.00: Interesting fact: England have won some games at Wembley, scoring over 2 goals along the way.

91.00: Clive Tyldesley remarks that youngsters who were lucky enough to persuade their parents to watch this game have not been disappointed. Unfortunately Jamie Redknapp couldn’t persuade Louise to let him stay up.

I know Little Billy didn’t have to persuade his parents (he stole his TV) but he got so disappointed he wrote a book of poetry that made Morrisey weep.

93.00: Full Time.

(Actual) Full Time Analysis from Clive Tyldesely

“England win.”

(Probable) Full Time Analysis from Paul Robinson

“England won.”

Well that’s it, a tedious friendly ends in a match which saw England play really poorly in the first half, go behind and then have to rely on Peter Crouch and SWP to score one decent goal, force a goalkeeping error which lead to a goal and score an offside goal in order to win.

All in all, I think we can conclude from this game that England will definitely win the World Cup.

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