Rooney & Messi Banned, Fabregas’ Injury Horror and Portsmouth Saved

After snooping through clubs’ bins all morning, examining thrown out documents, have I got some shocking news for you:

Messi and Rooney Banned

FIFA supremo and all round nobend football guru, Sepp Blatter, has banned Lionel Messi and Wayne Rooney from playing football “indefinitely” for being “too good.”

“Its against the spirit of the game for them to continually humiliate opponents,” Blatter is quoted as saying. “This is why I have decided to move to ban these two individuals from the sport until they can learn respect. This rule also applies to Steve Claridge. Right, I’m off to through feaces around my office and shout sexist remarks at attractive women in the street. Arf, arf!”

Cesc Fabregas Loses Leg

After limping around for the last ten minutes against Barcelona last night, Arsenal’s physios can confirm that Cesc Fabregas’ injury is so severe that he has had to have his leg amputated.

“Hopefully I’ll be back before the World Cup,” remarked Cesc cheerfully, before bursting into tears until Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger soothed him to sleep by singing him folk songs whilst playing the lute.

Portsmouth Saved

Billionaire Bernard Madoff has reportedly saved Portsmouth from financial meltdown after buying the club and investing millions in it.

A spokesperson for the club is quoted as saying “This is great news for the club, it means we can now offer John Utaka the £5 million a week hes been demanding. Our money worries are over.”

Harry Redknapp Exposed As Jack The Ripper

For over 120 years, one of the world’s greatest mysteries remained unsolved, with Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp eluding the authorities until Daniel Levy used his detective skills to decipher the true story.

“It was easy,” Levy tells Shilts. “The gaffer uploaded some of his old murder pics on Facebook and then tagged the victims. Schoolboy error.”

Police say Harry is facing a long time in the slammer and at a police press conference, he is quoted as yelling “I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that meddling yid!” quite racistly. He then went on to declare interest in over twelve non-Tottenham players.

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There you have it, four of the most shocking and completely true football news stories of the day. Please do not be fooled by this blog’s usual factual inadequacies or the fact it is April Fools’ Day.

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