Final Day Title Deciders – Build Up, Predictions And Analysis From Football’s Experts[sic]

As the final day of the season is upon us, we will see either Chelsea or Manchester United crowned champions, Shilts has pulled out all the stops in an attempt to bring you the most in-depth expert analysis and predictions for the day’s action from the game’s top pundits. Sadly, try as he might, Shilts has only been able to afford pundits which the budget would allow.

Andy Townsend

“The title is Chelsea’s to lose, but at the same time, Manchester United can also lose it, so it’s a two horse race to see who can lose it. I reckon Arsenal have an outside chance of losing it too. They’ve had a wonderful spell this last two months of consistently not winning games and that must make them real favourites at the bookies not to win the title, and that’s what the smart money’s on today.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been informed that I parked the Tactics Truck over several disabled spaces and have to move it immediately.”

Some Guy I Met In A Pub

“I am the average man, I work all week and like downing pints and sexy babes. I like Michael MacIntyre and all types of music, but mainly I like repeating things I hear off the telly and from other people in pubs.

Both sets of players will give 110%. United will switch it from side to side but when they give it to Berbatov he will probably miss because he only gives 65% and is lazier than a sloth with a booming hangover who has got the day off from the consultancy firm who he works for.

Drogba is a cheat though and I hate him because he dives on the floor and writhes around like he has been shot, then gets up again when the ref says play on! [At this point, the man laughs heartily at his own comment for around 3 to 4 minutes] The game is not as physical as it used to be back in the good old days. There is too much protection for referees and goalkeepers these days, I would like to see John Terry be allowed to kick them if he wants and then sleep with their wives or girlfriends.

At the end of the day, football is a game of two halves and there are no easy games. Both teams are strong on paper but at the end of the day football is a game of two halves and there are no easy games. Football is a funny old game and both teams are strong on paper but at the end of the day, football is a game of two halves and there are no easy games…” [At this point the man got stuck on an infinite cliché loop and Shilts had no choice but to leave him and try his luck on the quiz machine.]

Jamie Redknapp

“Hopesfully Louise will lemme stay up 2 watch tha games but I have got 2 do a lot of chores 4 her lyk tryin 2 work out how tha Thomas Cook website works sos we can go on our caravanin holiday 2 Cleethorpes. Then I have 2 have my spaghetty hoops for lunch, then I have 2 clean my teeth. Then I go down tha shop and buy sum milk. Then I have 2 put my clothes on. Then Louise helps me wiv my colourinin in, then it’s nap time. So as you can see I have a chock-a-block day filled with activities an maybe watchin the footballs is not practicals.

On this game what I have called Football Manager right, its basically this game what lets you be lyk what my dad is, you know a manager and that. Not a criminal, lyk on GTA Vice City or GTA San Andreas or Simpsons Hit and Run. Anyway, on this game right, you can pretend to be in charge of this club and that and it’s proper realistic lyk, apart from when I go Liverpool sumtimes and Ryan Babel’s quite good. Anyway, last time I played it Spurs won tha league so maybe we can see a repeat of life irritatin art or sumthin.”

So there you have it. If you were hoping for some insightful and wise opinions which you could steal and pretend were your own in front of your mates, you are no doubt incredibly disappointed right about now.

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more Shiltings of no worth.


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