Chelsea Boss Carlo Ancelotti In Eyebrow Ordeal

Less than 24 hours after he witnessed his Chelsea side secure their first title in four years, tragedy struck manager Carlo Ancelotti. Whilst he tried to appear suave during title celebrations, he realised that he no longer had mobility over his characteristic raised left eyebrow. Despite round the clock medical service, doctors confirmed that it would stay permanently arched forever.

“This is a disaster,” remarked a clearly distressed Carlo. “People will think that I am being constantly quizzical, sceptical or vaguely amused and this has made my future ambition of being a domestic abuse counsellor almost impossible.”

Everton manager David Moyes was entirely unsympathetic, remarking “Aye, the greedy moaning bastard is lucky to have annae eyebrows at all. What about me eh? Ma face looks permanently both angry an’ shifty, which makes it a nightmare fer me teh go through airport customs withou’ bein’ detained fer at least 3 days. An’ you cen forget about tryin’ teh get gigs as a children’s entertainer.”

In Actual News:

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GARY LINEKER MAKES LEAST INTERESTING WAGER SINCE BILL ODDIE BET HIMSELF THAT HE COULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE SHITTING PATTERNS OF OWLS

LEEDS CHAIRMAN KEN BATES MAKES A ROUSING EXPLETIVE-FILLED, BRAVEHEART-ESQUE SPEECH WHILST BEING HILARIOUSLY INTOXICATED AT LEEDS’ END OF SEASON MEMBERS PARTY

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