Fulham’s Europa League Final Preparations

PhotobucketAs the Europe League Final dawns, Perez Shilton’s resident PI Staan Coollymoore has been getting the low down on Fulham’s last minute preparations as they ready themselves for their most important 90 minutes (plus stoppage time)(perhaps also extra time)(and penalties) since 2002’s Intertoto Cup final.

Manager Roy Hodgson has been spotted by numerous alarmed motorists performing ritual sacrifices of cats in the middle of roundabouts whilst dressed as a medieval druid and has duly been reported to the RSPCA.

The Cottagers’ top European marksman Bobby Zamora has been rooted to the corner of the Fulham dressing room for four days running, clutching his completed World Cup 1998 Panini sticker album whilst rocking back and forth in the foetal position, repeatedly whispering “Fabio’s gotta take me, he’s just gotta…” to himself.

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John Paintsil/Pantsil has been in rigorous training for his obligatory individual lap of honour should Roy’s Boys (as I have affectionately dubbed them) defeat Atletico, by running around London’s streets blowing kisses to nobody in particular and earning confused looks from bystanders.

Just to cover all bases in case it is Roy’s Boys who taste defeat, John has been working on a routine where he kneels on the centre circle and smashes his head on the floor yelling “WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!” over and over again.

Andranik Teymourian has been consulting his TV planner and wondering whether to watch the final or a bit of DIY SOS instead.

All that is left for me to do is to wish Roy’s Boys good luck. Although, in the interests of fair and impartial journalism, I must also wish Atletico Madrid good luck too.

Just not quite as good luck.

In Actual News

INJURY DENTS JOHN TERRY’S WORLD CUP HOPES, IMPROVES WAYNE BRIDGE’S

ASTON VILLA BOSS MARTIN O’NEILL TO STAY DESPITE FANS CALLING FOR HIS HEAD AFTER THEIR ‘FAIR’ AND ‘REALISTIC’ DEMANDS OF WINNING A QUINTUPLE WERE NOT MET

GIANFRANCO ZOLA PACKS IN FOOTBALL MANAGING TO BECOME A TEA BOY

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