Perez Shilton’s 2009/2010 Season Review

So here it is; the Perez Shilton review of the 2009/2010 season, in which we relieve the towering heights and the dizzying lows and the indifferent middle grounds of an eventful year in the history of the beautiful game. Unfortunately, Shilts spent almost all of the season manning a lighthouse after a friend asked him to look after it for “a few days or so” and then never came back.

During this time, Shilts had incredibly limited internet access and a copy of ‘All The Goals From World Cup 98′ on VHS to provide his fill of football and as such, he has had to rely primarily on guesswork to fill in the gaps from the snippets of information he managed to accrue for this season review, but, such is Shilts’ skill at guessing, you probably won’t be able to notice a thing:

August

August is a month traditionally dominated by transfer speculation and this season was no exception, with Real Madrid’s record £80 million signing of midfield maestro and international playboy Gary Teale ushering in a new era of Galactico.

Real Madrid also attempted to procure Cristiano Ronaldo from Manchester United and upped their bid by asking each of the Portuguese’s family members to hold a gun to their heads and proclaim that they will shoot themselves should he not sign for them. Cristiano attempted to drop subtle hints to the press with comments like “I love playing in a white kit”, “My favourite sausages are made in Madrid” and “I want to play for Real Madrid”.

The deal looked unlikely after Alex Ferguson barricaded Ronaldo in a closet for the whole the month, fending off Madrid officials with a big stick. It was made even less likely when the closet plan backfired after an explosive detonated inside the closet, with Rio Ferdinand running into the room whooping and yelling “you’ve been merked!”,  putting Cristiano out for 12 months. However, after long contractual talks and the promise to rebuild Ronaldo’s entire body, having been ripped apart in the explosion, the deal went ahead.

Previously admired, but due to their new billionaire owners now almost universally hated club Manchester City furthered their hateful image by buying Carlos Tevez from bitter rivals Manchester United, renowned wanker Emmanuel Adebayor from Arsenal and completed their set by instating Patrick Kielty as manager.

Tottenham boss and managerial Del Boy Harry Redknapp made transfer history when he became the first manager to acquire a player in return for a Nintendo 64 game (Rayman 2) and fourteen Panini stickers. Said player, Wilson Palacios, was immediately sold to Sunderland then bought back to Spurs three days later for the small fee of a bag of Wotsits and a yo-yo.

Arsenal added to their youth squad by buying Chislehurst Primary School, installing Pat Rice as the headmaster and have Emmanuel Eboue teach cookery and textiles. Thirteen year old Theo Walcott was expelled for playing with matches.

Match Of The Day got under way again with messrs Hansen, Lawro and Shearer predicting the title would go to Chelsea or Manchester United and rule everyone else out of the title race, yet set aside 30 minutes of discussion for Hansen to criticise Rafa Benitez and say his catchphrase: “We’ve seen this time and time again” on archive footage of the Liverpool back four bollocksing up. Alan Shearer repeats Hansen’s words almost word for word but occasionally adding in his own catchphrase; “And that just about somes up their day” into the mix.

September

As the Premier League started to take shape, it became apparent that Peter Crouch was in fact really, really bad at football and he retired from the game to start up a successful business selling camping and other outdoor activities equipment.

Liverpool raced to an early lead at the top of the table with the strike force of David N’Gog, Andriy Voronin and Ryan Babel scoring a combined 72 goals between them in their first five games, successfully keeping Fernando Torres out of the side. “We thought these players were average-at-best and had no right to be in the first team,” admits one Liverpool fan. “How silly do we look now? Rafa’s a genius when it comes to the transfer window!”

Delighted with Malcolm Glazer’s handling of the club, Manchester United fans decided to attend every game convincingly dressed as the American and campaign for Manchester to be named Malcolmchester™.

October

After the illegal purchasing of Gael Kakuta from Lens, Chelsea were banned from operating in the transfer market for at least two years, a ban FIFA promised to uphold, no matter how much money Roman Abramovich sent their way. Paulo Ferreira was thrown in jail for no reason as well, just for good measure and to teach the Blues a lesson.

In order to show his gratitude after scoring against his former team Arsenal, Emmanuel Adebayor did a hilarious and charming dance in front of the Gunner’s fans, who lap it up and even hold up novelty Strictly Come Dancing judges placards appraising the Togolese’s dance. “What a top guy,” remarked one Arsenal fan. “He still has respect for us after all the support we gave to him during his time here and that really showed today. I hope he was flattered by the chair I threw at him to show my appreciation.”

Despite a promising start, Liverpool’s title challenge came to an abrupt end for the 19th year in a row after £20 million signing, Alberto Aquilani turned out to be useless and Fernando Torres’ legs fell off. Alan Hansen can’t resist a “We’ve seen this time and time again” over footage of said leg incident. Even progression from the Champions’ League Group Stage looks unlikely for the Reds.

Pressure mounted on Martin O’Neill after his Aston Villa side get off to ‘their worst start in ages’, so say the press after they draw with ‘minnows’ Chelsea and only scrape a 1-0 victory over ‘nondescript’ Manchester United. Villa fans vented their frustration by calling for O’Neill’s immediate sacking and a selection of his best ties.

November

Portsmouth’s financial worries were ended when the entire squad simultaneously and unprecedentedly realised that the amount they were being paid wasn’t a reflection of their actual talent and demanded that their salaries be reduced tenfold, with John Utaka buying the club using his £65k a week wages and then docking himself five years pay.

In a crunch World Cup qualifying playoff match against the Republic of Ireland, France’s Thierry Henry, according to an incensed (oddly) English media, completely invented a new practice of football dubbed ‘cheating’ when he handled the ball inside the Irish penalty area before squaring it to William Gallas to nod in the winner. The incensed (oddly) English media demand the match be replayed, with FIFA agreeing and extending this ruling to every other match containing foul play.

This causes chaos all over the globe when almost every match has to be replayed, sometimes for as little as an incorrect offside decision. The rule is repealed when Wayne Rooney, whilst playing for England dives to earn a penalty which wins them the match, which is subsequently ruled void. The incensed English media proclaim that cheating is “all part of the game” and that replaying matches is “stupid.”

Sunderland’s season was dealt a cruel blow when a hot air balloon that Darren Bent is riding in is punctured by Pepe Reina, who was practising goal kicks at the time. The balloon plummeted to the ground and Bent lost the use of his legs as well as his Blackberry, which was in his pocket at the time and got smashed on impact.

December

Only a month after Bent’s accident, another mid table side have one of their best players rendered useless after Morten Gamst Pedersen became frozen in a slab of ice and floated out into the North Sea whilst on holiday in his native Norway.

Involved in yet another relegation battle, Bolton give Gary Megson the sack and appoint Glenn Hoddle in his place. “I’m certain I’ve picked the right man to help us narrowly avoid relegation again this year!” squealed delighted Chairman Eddie Davies.

Needing to win their final Champions’ League group game but finding themselves drawing with Welsh giants Total Network Solutions Limited (who have miraculously qualified through winning the Welsh Premier League and getting through the qualifiers) and looking destined to crash out, Liverpool captain ‘marvel’ Steven Gerrard, after having sat down in the middle of the pitch for 89 minutes decided to stand up and punt the ball as hard as he can. As luck would have it, the ball landed in the top corner, and Liverpool proceeded through to the next round, with the media falling over themselves to state Gerrard’s ‘heroic’ performance.

It becomes evident that Hull will be relegated after so far only winning their opening game against Fulham. Speculators wonder if they will be able to beat Derby’s all time low points record of 11.

January

The transfer window reopened and Arsenal bolstered their defence with the addition of veteran former players Sol Campbell, Gilles Grimandi, David O’Leary, Ian Ure and Herbie Roberts, who, despite having an average age of 60.2 between them, only manage to raise the average age of the Gunner’s squad to 15.

The ‘Magic of the FA Cup’ makes its usual triumphant return seeing favourites Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal all knocked out to supposedly inferior. Whilst the media praise aforementioned ‘magic’, they conveniently ignore the fact that this makes it far easier for eventual winners Chelsea to storm their way to success.

Due to their colossal financial backing, Portsmouth got an awesome new websitewhich revolutionised the way the internet worked. “For the first time, users aren’t confined to the limited content on a site, they can uses their creativity to imagine a site that they want to look at!” explained Peter Storrie, a man who squats in Fratton Park, banding about words and phrases like “interactive”, “cutting edge” and “completely not wank”.

John Terry makes Wayne Bridge his former best mate after an argument in which Bridge claimed that Pro Evolution Soccer “was no longer better than FIFA 10”. Terry was so upset that in return he ripped up his ‘Besties 4eva’ wall collage of the two together, refused to give Bridge lifts anywhere and had sexual intercourse with Bridge’s former partner, Vanessa Perroncell.

Glenn Hoddle’s Bolton campaign got off to a bad start after he again insults disabled people and then the whole of Lancashire with his comments about karma.

February

Wigan, who have looked like they would be able to safely avoid relegation all season, slip up when Titus Bramble, having looked like putting his error prone days behind him, looked for motivation from Phil “Inspirational” Brown, who had him sit in the middle of the pitch at the JJB Stadium and watch footage of himself royally bollocksing up over and over again.

Bramble promptly scored 9 own goals, injured 5 team mates and got the team docked 38 points after he clattered into an old man in the stands, leaving the man completely paralyzed. “Surely nobody could be that much of a bumbaclot, it must have been on purpose” say the FA. Titus protests his innocence.

Fans of Serie A were yet to see a single victory with every match so far ending in a draw.

Hull were staying firmly rooted to the bottom, still with 3 points. The jury is still out on whether they can surpass Derby’s record.

With Aston Villa still at the top, Hansen and Shearer suddenly decided to switch their predictions to Martin O’Neill’s men and make sure not to mention their previous Manchester United/Chelsea predictions.

Despite having easily qualified for the World Cup, England fans complain that the football isn’t ‘sexy’ enough and a joke campaign to get supermodel Naomi Campbell instated as manager starts on Facebook. The FA, keen to keep in touch with the fans duly obliged, sacking Fabio Capello. “At least the manager’s English” remarks one xenophobic fan.

March

After Alex Ferguson criticizes one of his player’s hairstyles, Villa boss Martin O’Neill launched into a speech reminiscent of Kevin Keegan’s infamous rant a few years ago. “If we win, I will f***ing shit meself! I will shit meself with happiness, I really will!” he shouted, jumping up and down with rage and smashing a chair over his own head.

Villa then went on to lose their first game of the season.

After receiving injuries to no less than 85% of their squad, Arsenal’s season implodes and they go on a 9 game losing streak, putting them out of the Premiership title race, FA Cup and Champions League, despite having looked very strong in every competition so far.

When faced with the prospect of once again having to defend his team despite many of his players’ clear lack of effort, manager Arsene Wenger then went completely mental and fled to a cottage in Somerset, spending his days making exact replicas of Napoleon from balls of cheese and then angrily squashing them into his walls with his head.

Blackburn new-boy El-Hadji Diouf endears himself to fans by spitting on a small child during a game, then urinating in a bucket and throwing it into the crowd. He later expresses his confusion as to why fans hate him so much in an interview later that day.

April

Under Glenn Hoddle, Bolton find themselves in 19th place. “I assure you I’m doing everything I can to keep my side up, morale is key” claims Hoddle, whilst penning an autobiography criticizing each and every one of Bolton’s players and staff.

Villa’s form slumps dramatically and, despite being top for the whole season so far, suddenly find themselves behind frontrunners Chelsea and Manchester United and also 3rd and 4th place Arsenal and Liverpool. Hansen and Shearer revert their predictions back to Chelsea/Manchester United with Hansen adding “We’ve seen this time and time again” of the two clubs current league standings.

Stoke’s season comes a-cropper when their tactic of get-Rory-Delap-to-throw-the-ball-in-the-box-and-hopefull-we-can-bumble-it-in is ruined when Delap got both arms stuck in a drain whilst trying to fish out pound coin he dropped down it.

After steering Fulham to the final of the Europa League, manager and man we would all like to have as granddad, Roy Hodgson, due to his elderly appeal, is made the face Werther’s Originals and Viagra.

Finding themselves behind and completely outclassed in their Champions League Semi Final with Bayern Munich, with 12 seconds left to play, Liverpool’s Steven Gerrard decides to leave the rocking chair that he’d placed in the centre of the pitch and been sat in for the duration of the game so far, and shanks the ball wildly up the pitch. Fortuitously, it lands in the top left hand corner taking the game to extra time. The game goes to penalties, with Liverpool keeper Pepe Reina employing the tactics of his predecessors Jerzy Dudek and Bruce Grobelaar by dancing on the line. His chosen dance, the Macarena, proves a huge success and Liverpool find themselves in yet another Champions League Final. The press call their performance “legendary” despite them having only 8% possession of the ball throughout the match.

England lose in a friendly to opponents Macedonia but manager Naomi Campbell attended the match minus any clothes to appease fans. “Now that’s sexy football!” proclaims one sexist fan.

May

Chelsea recorded record wins over Stoke and Wigan to seal the Premiership title. Despite the fact that Manchester United had enjoyed a nearly monopoly over the league for the last three years, people are by and large unimpressed and even annoyed by the Blue’s efforts. Even their own striker, Didier Drogba, became irate when his team were awarded a penalty he knew would be converted by Frank Lampard. “I was so upset because I just wanted someone more likeable, say Everton, to win the title this year,” explained the Ivorian.

Still having only racked up a total of 3 points for the entire campaign, Hull find themselves needing a miracle to beat Derby’s woeful record of 11 points. Luckily, that miracle comes in the shape of returning 97 year old Dean Windass, who leads them to miraculous victories in their three final games, miraculously scoring a last minute winner against Liverpool on the final day of the season. “It’s a miracle!” claimed Hull supporters who build a statue of Windass in the city centre by hand, an occasion only soured when Richard Dawkins swings by to try and disprove the existence of miracles.

Manchester City sacked failed manager/presenter/comedian/man Patrick Kielty before the final game of the season, after they found themselves only a point ahead of 18th place Wigan and needing a win to guarantee safety. Glenn Hoddle is appointed in his place, after agreeing to simultaneously manage both City and his Bolton side, who were a point behind 18th place Wigan and two behind City themselves. “At least one of my teams are bound to stay up!” he smugly tells the press.

He becomes the first manager in history to relegate two teams at once when both Manchester City and Bolton lose their games 19-0 and Wigan beat Portsmouth to survive the drop, despite incurring their 38 point penalty earlier this season.

Fifa investigated how every team in Serie A could have ended up on the same amount of points at the end of the season. It emerges that every single team had been bribing referees, who, not wanting to lose business by making any of their clients lose, kept everyone happy by ensuring draws in every game. Every single team is therefore demoted to Serie B. Unfortunately, the same problem had occurred in this league and every Serie B team is demoted to Serie C, where the trend continued right down to pub league level. Eventually, Fifa gave up and reinstated every team and pretend that nothing ever happened.

Liverpool lost their Champions League final to Inter Milan, with Jose Mourinho’s men employing the tactic of standing in the Inter goalmouth for approximately 97% of the game, only allowing Diego Milito to score two goals after he promised to clean out the entire team’s gutters in return.

Alan Hansen becomes stuck in an infinite paradox commenting “We’ve seen this time and time again” on footage of himself saying “We’ve seen this time and time again.”

West Ham, Wolverhampton and Birmingham all enjoyed mid table seasons in which nothing even remotely interesting happened.

England lose against San Marino and the Faroe Islands, and England’s likelihood of success at the World Cup looks incredibly slim. After keeping her clothes on, Naomi Campbell was fired. England fans temporarily remembered the error in their ways in getting rid of Fabio Capello. Instead of atoning this mistake, they then forced the FA to hire the first English manager that walks into their building. Unfortunately, this turned out to be ex-Bolton/Spurs manager Glenn Hoddle and the nation’s chances of winning the World Cup, qualifying for Euro 2012 and not offending the disabled are crushed instantly.

***

So there you have it; everything that happened in the 2009/2010 football season.

Probably.

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more Shiltings of no worth.

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