Fabio’s Overlooked England World Cup Squad Omissions

Fabio Capello finalised his 23 man England World Cup squad yesterday, and there was much furore over the omission of a certain Theo ‘I can run really fast! Look at me go!- Ah, I’ve ran the ball out of play…’ Walcott. However, Shilts would like to take a moment to look at the forgotten missing men from Fabio’s final team:

Some of Gazza's handiwork

Paul Gascoigne

After being told he was left out of Glenn Hoddle’s 1998 World Cup Squad, Gazza promptly smashed up Glenn’s room. Twelve years later and upon learning that he had been overlooked once again, Shilts hears that he went to the children’s ward at his local hospital and started flipping beds before kicking several endangered species of bird to death, then purchased some power tools, set about painfully shaping all of Fabio’s best pine furniture into realistic looking wooden phalluses and then broke down in tears.

Sol Campbell

With Ledley King’s knees more snappable than a bag of twiglets directly in the path of an oncoming steamroller, Big Sol, with his far shinier head and far fatter arse, could have been a far safer better in the Three Lion’s back four. Unfortunately, he’ll just have to content himself with holding the mantle of completing the world’s longest ever slide tackle.

Geoff Hurst

Essentially won England’s only World Cup with his hattrick in 1966, yet has been constantly overlooked since 1970. Considering Michael Owen was allowed to dine out on his goal against Argentina for so long, if there was any justice in English football, Sir Geoff would surely have made Fabio’s final cut.

Manuel Almunia

After living in London for more than six years in order to gain English nationality, with Spain’s, his country of origin, manager Vicente Del Bosque categorically stating (paraphrase) “there’s no way I would ever pick him ahead of Iker Casillas, not even as a joke” Almunia finds himself below Robert Green, Paul Robinson, David Seaman, Gordon Banks and Hellen Keller in contention for an England spot and you can only feel sorry for the lad.

Emile Heskey

Despite scoring under 4 goals in 31 league games for Aston Villa this season, whilst going by the moniker of ‘a striker’, Emile was quietly confident he’d be on the plane… Oh. He is? No way… But he’s shit?

Ashley Young

This one isn’t even slightly a joke. This is a player who has been almost consistently sensational for Villa, starting almost every game and providing a phenomenal return of 16 assists this season, who has the ability of ball control – a skill increasingly rare amongst English wingers and has been relatively injury free, yet he didn’t even make the provincial 30 man squad. Not even ahead of Shaun Wright Phillips, who, as we all know, is bollocks.

Honourable Mentions

Darren Bent and Gabriel Agbonlahor for their superior club goalscoring records, Michael Dawson for being better than Matthew Upson and Jimmy Bullard for the lols.

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