Perez Shilton’s Crap Guide To England’s World Cup 2010 Part #1: Introduction and Staff Profiles

Introduction
Hello and welcome to Perez Shilton’s Crap Guide To England’s World Cup 2010. I am Perez Shilton and I spend my time lying on the internet and making assumptions about people who I’ve never met. Now, for someone as uneducated in the world of football such as yourself, you are probably thinking: “Thank goodness! Finally a guide for the World Cup which will provide me with sufficient information and stats to allow me to fit in with the conversations of everyone at my place of work/local pub/school/gym/bookclub/women’s institute/medieval reanactment society focusing on the era 1152-1326!”

In which case, I’m afraid you are sadly mistaken. For you see, this guide has been cobbled together using the bare minimum of facts available. In fact, I’ve gathered most of my informaton from crisp packets, guesswork and incomplete Panini sticker albums. Far from making you look like the all seeing/all knowing football guru Jeff Stelling, this guide will make you look more like Alan Shearer. In other words; a feckless moron.
Enjoy!

Staff Profiles
An overview of the key men that will be involved behind the scenes in England’s unsuccessful World Cup campaign this summer:

The Manager: Fabio Capello

D.o.b: 18.6.1964 (aged 63)
Birthplace: San Canzian d’Isonzo, Italy

Bio: A maverick manager, Capello has achieved numerous successes at club level without any of his teams playing even remotely attractive football, and in this respect he is football’s Sarah Jessica Parker. England will be hoping that ‘Don Fabio’ can bring his brand of bland, defensive, ugly football to the international stage, grinding out marginal 1-0 wins aplenty. If England’s warm up friendlies are anything to go by, then he certainly can, scraping past Egypt and Mexico and narrowly defeating Japan thanks to two own goals.

Unfortunately for Fabio, he bears an uncanny resembalance to a ‘Bo-Selecta’ mask and this often leads to people tugging on and at his face for long periods of time everywhere he goes. He claims that this usually always ruins the mood of any romantic dinners he takes his wife on. Particularly when she joins in and yells “DAVID CRAIG” repeatedly.

General Manager: Franco Baldini

D.o.b: 3.10.1960 (aged 49)
Birthplace: Regello, Italy

Bio: Previously England’s Assistant Manager, Franco has moved up to the position of ‘General Manager’, a role which allows him to generally manage, wear a slightly better suit, send out more impressive business cards and little else.

Assistant Manager: Italo Galbiati

D.o.b: 8.8.3.1937 (aged 72)
Birthplace: Somewhere In, Italy

Bio: Italo’s tasks are limited to giving out bibs, placing down cones, shouting “good work boys” and wearing awful tracksuits.

Coach: Stuart ‘Psycho’ Pearce

D.o.b: 24.4.1962
Birthplace: Hammersmith, England

Bio: After realising that he was a crap manager, Psycho turned his hand to the relatively blameless role of coaching, whilst looking like an irate Ian Beale.

***

Now you’re at the end of part one, hopefully you’re hooked and eagerly anticipating part 2. Alternatively you’re wondering why you read so far and wishing that perhaps instead you’d read something enlightening and life changing, like a book or the back of a cereal box.

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more Shiltings of no worth.

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