Perez Shilton’s Crap Guide To England’s World Cup 2010 Part #2: The Goalkeepers

The Goalkeepers

When England inevitably go to a penalty shootout, these are the men who probably won’t save any.

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Robert Green

D.o.b: 18.1.1980 (aged 30)
Birthplace: Chertsey
Height: 1.91m
England Caps: 10
Squad Number: 12

Bio: Rob Green, pictured here looking a lot like Pie Face from Dennis the Menace, has laid claim to being England’s first choice keeper by virtue of being older than Joe Hart yet not as old as David James.

Despite being an integral part of the West Ham defence which conceded the joint 4th most goals in the Premier League this season and getting sent off and essentially causing England’s only loss of their World Cup qualification against Ukraine, you’d be surprisingly hard pressed to find anyone who has a bad word to say about Green. If only Darius Vassell were so lucky.

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David James

D.o.b: 1.8.1970 (aged 39)
Birthplace: Welywn Garden City
Height: 1.94m
England Caps: 50
Squad Number: 1

Bio: Jamo, as he is oft known, was also known for bollocksing up royally against Austria in 2004, inexplicably diving over a slow moving shot and allowing it to creep in. This promptly lead to James being dropped for four years. During this time, James concentrated on pioneering haircuts, inventing  the ‘wanky cornrow’, the ‘forgotten skid mark’ and the beard.

After a solid season for doomed Pompey, conceding as many league goals as Green, Jamo’s World Cup starting hopes still largely rest on Emile Heskey mistaking Green’s hands for a flaming bag on a doorstep and repeatedly stamping on them.

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Joe Hart

D.o.b: 19.4.1987 (aged 23)
Birthplace: Shrewsbury
Height: 1.96m
England Caps: 3
Squad Number: 23

Bio: Having conceded almost 20 league goals less than his two other goalkeeping counterparts, Hart will be unlikely to find his way into the starting XI due to the fact that he is ‘inexperienced’. The thinking behind this being that obviously a keeper who has spent more time in the game letting in more goals is blatantlybetter than a keeper who has spent less time in the game conceding fewer goals.

Don’t let this take away from the fact that Joe has a really, really massive neck. Look at it. It’s like a Diplodocus after getting it’s head caught in a cat flap.

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If both parts have not so far put you off reading the next one, wait til tomorrow and it should be there.

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