Perez Shilton’s Crap Guide To England’s World Cup 2010 Part #3: The Defenders

The Defenders

When not being injured by Emile Heskey, these men attempt to prevent strikers from shooting and can be heard shouting things like “Ge’ it Aaaaat!”, “Man on!” and “Emile you lumpy bastard, you’ve ruined my knee ligaments!”

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Ashley Cole

D.o.b: 20.12.1980 (29)
Birthplace: Stepney
Height: 1.72m
England Caps: 78
England Goals: 0
Squad Number: 3
Position: Left Back

Bio: Ashley Cole is very much the Oasis of football in that, whilst they are both unspeakable and complete wankers, you are often forced to begrudgingly admit they are amongst the best left backs in the world/half decent songwriters respectively. However, they are both unspeakable and complete wankers so the point is moot.

When not being a wanker/left back, Cole likes nothing more than pulling over on the motorway and being sick when his boyhood club only offer him £60k a week wages, sending sexually explicit texts to women who aren’t his wife and playing water polo.

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John Terry

D.o.b: 7.12.1980 (29)
Birthplace: London
Height: 1.87m
England Caps: 60
England Goals: 6
Squad Number: 6
Position: Centre Back

Bio: When talking about unspeakable and complete wankers in the England squad, it is a rare occasion that JT’s name doesn’t come up. This is not one of those instances.

An inconsistent season saw Terry’s form vary from playing excellently to painfully badly, particularly in the wake of the revelations that JT had been having an affair with the ex-girlfriend of his former best friend Wayne Bridge. However, much like Cole, JT is another player you have to admit is one of England’s best. Except at taking penalties, where his tactic of falling over and spectacularly missing is rarely successful.

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Rio Ferdinand

D.o.b: 7.11.1978(31)
Birthplace: Peckham
Height: 1.89m
England Caps: 78
England Goals: 3
Squad Number: 5
Position: Centre Back

Bio: “Hang about,” I hear you cry. “This guide is useless, Rio Ferdinand is injured and no longer in the England squad!”

However, Shilts has heard this injury is all part of an elaborate prank at Michael Dawson’s expense for Rio’s ‘World Cup Wind Ups’. Dawson will travel all the way out to South Africa, train with the squad, then, as he proudly lines up as part of a starting XI on matchday, ready to play in the greatest footballing competition in the World, Rio will jump out from the stands yelling “MERKED!”, take his place in the team and reveal that Dawson was never actually part of the squad, no doubt leaving Michael in tears.

In the unlikely scenario that this doesn’t happen, to cover all guide bases, here is an informative sentence about Michael Dawson: Michael Dawson likes football and eating food.

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Glenn Johnson

D.o.b: 23.8.1984 (24)
Birthplace: Greenwich
Height: 1.82m
England Caps: 21
England Goals: 1
Squad Number: 2
Position: Right Back

Bio: Part of Rafa Benitez’s revolution at Liverpool, which saw him turn the Reds from one of the dominant forces in the Premier League to 7th place, Johnson easily retained his spot as England’s right back, despite a clear lack of defensive ability. This is mainly due to the fact that England don’t actually have any other right backs ever since Gary Neville became too old to control his own bowel movements (Wes Brown doesn’t count, he’s awful.)

In his spare time, Glen likes nothing more than unsuccessfully trying to steal £80 toilet seats from B&Q and forgetting his passport for crucial away legs against Barcelona.

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Jamie Carragher

D.o.b: 28.1.1978 (32)
Birthplace: Bootle
Height: 1.85m
England Caps: 36
England Goals: 0
Squad Number: 18
Position: Right/Left/Centre Back

Bio: Prior to this season, Carragher had been almost universally respected for his defensive capabilities, which made his decision to retire from international football in 2007 so puzzling. However, this season has seen Carra become utterly dreadful, a fact accepted almost universally, which makes his selection in the England squad, after coming out of retirement, so puzzling.

A keen linguist, Carra has invented his own language, ‘Scousish’ – an off-shoot of both the English language and the Scouse dialect. It is spoken exclusively by him and he claims that it is so difficult that even he doesn’t fully understand it.

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Ledley King

D.o.b: 12.10.1980 (29)
Birthplace: Bow
Height: 1.88m
England Caps: 20
England Goals: 2
Squad Number: 20
Position: Centre Back

Bio: Considered by many to be a risky selection by Fabio, due to a permanent knee injury which means he can only play 12 minutes of football every two months or so, King will be hoping to prove the doubters wrong by playing for around 15 minutes in South Africa before hobbling off.

“If-a we can-a keep-a clean sheet for the 15 minutes he’ll-a be playing for, probably against-a Slovenia, then-a he’ll be a-worth it,” Fabio explained to Shilts, in an unconvincing Italian accent.

After being arrested last May on suspicion of assualt, King has vowed to never be caught again, buying a segway in preparation after blaming his knees for his painfully slow getaway.

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Stephen Warnock

D.o.b: 12.12.1981 (28)
Birthplace: Ormskirk
Height: 1.78m
England Caps: 1
England Goals: 0
Squad Number: 13
Position: Left Back

Bio: The likelihood of Stephen Warnock playing in any games in South Africa relies largely on Ashley Cole inexplicably going behind Fabio’s back and filing for an Irish passport so that he can be part of the Republic of Ireland team. This is about as likely as Ashley Cole being married to one of the most sought-after women on the planet and inexplicably having extra-marital affairs with numerous far less attractive women.

Expect Warnock to start every game.

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Matthew Upson

D.o.b: 18.4.1979 (31)
Birthplace: Hartismere
Height: 1.85m
England Caps: 19
England Goals: 1
Squad Number: 15
Position: Centre Back

Bio: Much like Rob Green, Upson was an intrinsic part (the captain) of West Ham’s relegation threatened, joint 4th most goals conceding defence.

Michael Dawson (who may* fortuitously have made the squad), Gary Cahill, Sol Campbell, Graeme Le Saux, Ben Shepard and even probably Wes Brown all probably deserve a place ahead of Matthew.

As you can tell, Shilts does not rate Upson’s inclusion very highly. Hopefully he can prove Shilts more wrong than anyone who thought Andriy Voronin was going to be a good signing (ie Rafa Benitez).

*Just in case you forgot Shilt’s earlier Ferdinand tip-off

***

And that’s the end of part 3. If you have been reading thus far and have read the last 2, Shilts hopes you’ll come back for the next installment (probably) tomorrow.

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more Shiltings of no worth.

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