Perez Shilton’s Crap Guide To England’s World Cup 2010 Part #4: The Midfielders

The Midfielders

Whether it’s setting up attacks or covering for the back four, when it all goes wrong and England crash out, being a midfielder will see you either take all (for “not creating enough”/“tracking back and helping the defence enough”) or none of the blame, depending on whether a scapegoat emerges (i.e. Emile).

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Steven Gerrard

D.o.b: 30.5.1980 (30)
Birthplace: Whiston
Height: 1.83m
England Caps: 81
England Goals: 16
Squad Number: 4
Position: Right/Centre Attacking Mid

Bio: One of the first things Mr Capello did when he took over as England manager was to announce that he would pick players on “form rather than reputation”, which is exactly why Stevie G, after having one the worst seasons of his Liverpool career thus far, spending most of it looking as bored as a deaf man who had been forced to sit through a four hour piano recital, is not only in the England squad, but is now captain.

“Why can’t Gerrard and Lampard play together?” is one of the most frequently asked questions by crap pundits. To Shilts, the answer is as simple and exactly the same as “Why can’t Casillas and Buffon play together?”

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Frank Lampard

D.o.b: 20.6.1978 (31)
Birthplace: Romford
Height: 1.84m
England Caps: 70
England Goals: 20
Squad Number: 8

Bio: In comparison to Gerrard, Frank has had a fine season, scoring 27 goals and contributing 20 assists in all appearances for Chelsea, a major factor in their title winning success.

However, as anyone will tell you, Lampard and the England team mix as well as cheap fireworks, an expectant child and a lit flame, in that; as a kid you think “Wow! Some fireworks! This is gonna be super cool and also awesome!” Then your parents set them off and they turn out to go less than ten feet in the air before pathetically dissolving and don’t even go “BANG!”

Basically, watch Lampard’s 2006 World Cup performance and you’ll see that the two things (fireworks and Frank) are vaguely similar.

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Theo Walcott Shaun Wright Phillips

D.o.b16.3.1989 (21) 25.10.1981 (29)
BirthplaceStanmore Greenwich
Height1.78m 1.65m
England Caps20 31
England Goals: 6
Squad Number14 17
Position: Winger

BioTheo Walcott Shaun Wright Phillips, despite being able to run really fast, isquite a limited player in many respects. His touch is pretty woeful, his final ballalmost non-existent and his strength is tantamount to that of Gandhi after a five month non eating binge.

Thus, he can count himself lucky to be amongst Capello’s final 23 ahead of such similar players as Adam Johnson and Shaun Wright Phillips Theo Walcott.

Shilts is positive that Theo’s SWP’s on his way to South Africa as he has been in allthe adverts. How could Fabio not take the official England representative of M&S?!Ian Wright?

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Joe Cole

D.o.b: 8.11.1981(28)
Birthplace: Paddington
Height: 1.76m
England Caps: 54
England Goals: 10
Squad Number: 11
Position: Left/Attacking Mid

Bio: Blessed with supreme talent and skill with a football, Cole put these gifts to good use on the Chelsea bench week in week out. Carlo Ancelotti even commended Cole on the fact that the Chelsea bench was one of the “warmest” he’d ever sat on.

Cole is not so adept at transferring this benchwarming role to England level, however. In fact, he often finds himself having to start games, due to England’s absence of any other left sided midfielder (Stewart Downing who? Adam Johnson? Never heard of them.)

Another intriguing thing about Cole is that despite having the face of a 12 year old, he is also going bald, giving him the look of a teenage monk.

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Michael Carrick

D.o.b: 28.7.1981 (28)
Birthplace: Wallsend
Height: 1.85m
England Caps: 22
England Goals: 0
Squad Number: 22
Position: Centre Mid

Bio: Whilst being decent enough on the pitch, Michael Carrick is the sort of person nobody really cares about. Therefore people never bother to read about him in guides like this and don’t even realise when the biography section is as poor, uninformative and has spelling mistakes in it such as thas.

In fact, you’ll have probably just looked at his name, looked at this bio and thought “Oh, some words about Michael Carrick, I bet it’s a summary of his career thus far. I really don’t want to read that” hastily moving on to the next player without even bothering to check.

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James Milner

D.o.b: 4.1.1986 (24)
Birthplace: Wortley
Height: 1.85m
England Caps: 8
England Goals: 0
Squad Number: 16
Position: Right/Attacking Mid

Bio: Being one of the few members of the impressive-until-after-Christmas Aston Villa attack, which included Ashley Young and Gabriel Agbonlahor, to make it into the final 23, Milner will more than likely still see as much game time in South Africa as Young and Agbonlahor, due to playing in pretty much the same position as Lampard and Gerrard, whilst his back up position, as a right-sided winger is occupied by Aaron Lennon and Shaun Wright Phillips.

One of the game’s more old fashioned and traditional players, when not turning out for Villa, Milner likes nothing more than donning Biggles goggles, clambering into his Spitfire and shooting down a few Nazi Meschersmits before tea; some coal washed down with 12 pints of gravy.

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Gareth Barry

D.o.b: 23.1.1981(29)
Birthplace: Hastings
Height: 1.83m
England Caps: 36
England Goals: 2
Squad Number: 14
Position: Centre/Defensive Mid

Bio: Much like Michael Carrick, Barry is one of the game’s more boring players. However, instead of doing another description about why I can’t be bothered to do a description because nobody will read it, like I did with Carrick (that’s right, you would have known if you’d read it) Shilts feels there’s adequate interest in Barry for him to do a summary of key  ‘Interesting Barry Facts’:
-He would dearly love to play in the Champions League, but he’d rather get paid loads of money not to
-His favourite colour is grey
-His favourite sound is a metronome
-His best ever prank was when he rearranged three books in the library so that they were in the wrong Dewey Decimal Classification!

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Aaron Lennon

D.o.b: 16.4.1987 (23)
Birthplace: Chapletown
Height: 1.65m
England Caps: 17
England Goals: 0
Squad Number: 7
Position: Winger

Bio: Many Spurs fans seem to take imponderable joy at the fact that their boy Aaron Lennon will be at the World Cup instead of Theo Walcott, who plays for bitter rivals Arsenal, forgetting the fact that this will decrease the ever injury prone Lennon’s chances of spending the summer without a smashed ankle or a strained groin.

It is often thought that the various slits in Aaron’s hair and eyebrows are a fashion statement. In reality, Lennon just has a particularly rabid cat who claws bits of his hair off every time he goes to feed it.

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more Shiltings of no worth.

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