Perez Shilton’s Crap Guide To England’s World Cup 2010 Part #5: The Strikers

The Strikers

These are the men with the most important (sort of, unless you’re playing for 0-0 draws) job; scoring goals. Or ‘holding up the ball’ in Emile’s case.

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Wayne Rooney

D.o.b: 24.11.985 (24)
Birthplace: Croxeth
Height: 1.78m
England Caps: 60
England Goals: 25
Squad Number: 10

Bio: England’s only player, with the possible exception of Trevor Sinclair, who can be considered a contender to be the best player in the world, Wayne has a huge amount of expectation on his shoulders. Expectation that might make him crack and go “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” and glue bits of macaroni all over his body and handcuff himself to a chest of drawers and throw himself into the Panama Canal. And then hire several elderly prostitutes.

Alternatively, he might thrive and score loads of goals and everyone’ll be happy, but I find that it’s always best to prepare for the worst, so when Gareth Barry accidentally gives the entire team e-coli with his homemade chicken casserole recipe five minutes before the final, I won’t be too disappointed.

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Jermaine Defoe

D.o.b: 7.10.1982 (27)
Birthplace: Beckton
Height: 1.70m
England Caps: 40
England Goals: 11
Squad Number: 19

Bio: For many years I’d thought Jermain Defoe’s name had an ‘e’ after then ‘n’ in Jermain, however this turned out to be one of the least interesting things about him and will certainly not be included in this bio unless there really isn’t much to write about Jermain Defoe.

After a very impressive, but not quite as impressive as Darren Bent, season in front of goal, Defoe must have worried for his place in Capello’s squad. He needn’t have worried, as Bent was given a game and a half to prove himself against Brazil and Japan, and was dropped after not scoring in either of these games. However, neither did any of the other members of England’s squad, so Shilts reckons Darren was a little hard done by.

I digress. Back to Jermain…  I just can’t believe it isn’t Jermaine. It just doesn’t look right…

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Emile Heskey

D.o.b: 11.1.1978(32)
Birthplace: Leicester
Height: 1.88m
England Caps: 57
England Goals: 7
Squad Number: 21

Bio: The popular opinion about Emile Heskey has changed frequently from one side of the spectrum to the other. For many, many years people complained about how he was a striker who didn’t score, with a goalscoring record only one goal better than John Terry, thus making him utterly useless.

Then it became popular to say that what Heskey didn’t provide by way of goals, he provides by way of assists and that if you didn’t rate him you didn’t know anything about football.

However with a grand total of 2 assists for Villa in 31 games this season, and with 1 for England in his last 13 games, this view doesn’t seem to hold up. As a result many people have reverted back to saying that he’s useless again.

Why Peter Crouch Is Crap

A lot of people seem to have faith in Peter Crouch. Shilts cannot fathom way. Things you’ll generally hear in Crouchy’s defence are:
“His England goalscoring record speaks for itself.”
“He has got a good touch for a big man, it gives England a plan B.”
“LOL! He does a well funny robot dance, Peter Crouch is a legend!!!!!1!!1!one!”

However anyone who says these things is an idiot/Peter Crouch and therefore their opinion on Peter Crouch counts for nothing. Shilts will prove how crap he is right now with some handy graphs and diagrams:

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As we can see in fig. 1. the amount of goals Crouch scores against actually decent opposition is half as many as he does against crap teams like Jamaica.

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If we then then carry this data on to fig. 2, we will see that only 2 of these goals against decent opposition have come in competitive matches.

In fig. 3 we will see that Peter Crouch looks like a rubbishly drawn character from a Roahl Dahl book.

To conclude, if the sum total of Peter Crouch’s amazing goalscoring record is only 2 meaningful goals against teams who don’t field have to field part time postmen in goal, then we can conclude that he is more overrated than that show ‘How I Met Your Mother’, which everyone kept telling me to watch but turned out to be average at best and on the whole frankly disappointing.

***

And that is it for your crap guide. Hope is marginally more fun reading it than it was writing.

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more Shiltings of no worth.

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