England vs Slovenia – As it happened (sort of)

For those who didn’t bother watching on TV and inexplicably preferred to read an incomptent blogger’s account instead.

Get in touch via twitter, fax or carrier pigeon.

Shilts was too lazy to do a commentary of the full 90 mins, here’s a quick recap:

Jermain Defoe scored and England weren’t as awful as they can be.

46 mins: The Slovenian keeper Samir Handonovic flaps about a bit, punches a corner onto Gerrard’s meaty head and Defoe narrowly misses from the just outside the 6 yard box

47 mins: Glenn Johnson gets a yellow card for being fouled. A new initiative from FIFA I hear; in an attempt to stop fouling, those that are being fouled are being punished with the logic being that if they stamp out people being fouled, then fouling will no longer exist. Simple.

49 mins: Jermain Defoe puts it into Slovenia’s net but is correctly called offside. Not up for that.

52 mins: David ‘Jamo’ James collects easily from a crap Slovenia free kick

53 mins: Rooney has a decent chance but misses the ball.

55 mins: James Milner has gone to extraordinary lengths to represent England, travelling all the way from his native 1940’s.

56 mins: Handanovic pulls out a quality save from a corner after it comes sweetly off John Terry’s box shaped head.

57 mins: Rooney tamely dribbles a golden chance into the post. It’s nice to see his own fans booing him.

59 mins: Interesting tactic for Slovenia to field a team of Charlie Browns.

63 mins: Jokic lucky not to be sent off.

64 mins: Slovenia’s striker Birsa fails to beat Jamo. Not surprisingly, as Jamo can make saves with his eyes blindfolded.

67 mins: Gareth Barry, according to Lawro, plays a ‘rinky dink’ pass and John Terry and Glenn Johnson successfully thwart a very dangerous Slovenia attack by falling over in front of it. JT in particular, looked hilarious. Like a trout diving through the air.

69 mins: For those readers with little knowledge of football, Slovenia’s captain Robert Koren is pictured on the right.

73 mins: Joe Cole comes on for a limping Wayne Rooney. Joe Cole Baldness Update: I can confirm that he has not gone completely bald yet.

75 mins: Having to begrudgingly cheer on Ashley Cole is like having to cheer on Nick Griffin as he tries to stop someone beating up your dad. Regrettable.

76 mins: Slovenia’s Marko Suler looks a lot like formerly good player Maniche.

78 mins: A crap corner comes in from England to no avail.

79 mins: The choice of the Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium as a venue for the World Cup was a controversial one as there is quite obviously a badgers’ den directly under the pitch.

80 mins: England Coach Parasite Watch Update: According to Lawro, England coach Stuart Pearce has worms.

83 mins: James Milner inexplicably gets away without a yellow card for booting a Slovenia player in the Slovenia box.

85 mins: Emile Heskey comes on to further decrease his goals to games ratio.

86 mins: Joe Cole goes for a wonder goal. And fails miserably.

88 mins: Not only is Heskey woeful at putting the ball into the net, it turns out he also isn’t much at defensive clearances.

89 mins: Disappointed at the lack of shots of David Beckham in his lovely grey suit. Poor show BBC. I want irrelevance!

90 mins: After having slated him at almost every opportunity, Matthew Upson proves me thankfully wrong by pulling off a majestic tackle in the England penalty area.

90+2 mins: England play some lovely awful football around the Slovenia corner flag, something which is routinely condemned by every commentator when any other team does it.

90+3 mins: FULL TIME! England 1 – 0 Slovenia England beat the ‘mighty’ Slovenia to get into the next round of World Cup 2010!

Post Match: Just to put a downer on things, USA score in the last seconds against Algeria to top the group, meaning that England have to suffer the ignominy of coming second in a group to a nation who prefer watching a sport where people in pads and helmets stand around scratching themselves for 9 hours.

In their post match interviews, Fabio Capello went absolutely and hilariously mental, whilst Jermain Defoe sounded like Bianca from Eastenders.

The Match of the Day team actually claim (albeit semi-jokingly) that after beating a second rate South Eastern European side that we will win the World Cup, and Lee Dixon refuses to eat his words after claiming that Gerrard would be crap on the left.

Right, that’s it. After scraping past Slovenia, we can, like the Match of the Day boys, rightly assume that we will march on to glory. Or to the Quarter Finals at least.

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