Paul The Psychic Octopus Dismissed By Clarence Seedorf, Who Claims To Have A Far More Impressive Magic Turbot

Dutch AC Milan midfield maestro and useless BBC World Cup coverage pundit Clarence Seedorf has laid down the gauntlet to Paul the Psychic Octopus, claiming that a turbot he caught on a fishing trip when he was twelve years old is a far better underwater clairvoyant.

“Dish turbot that I caught ish incredible,” boasts Clarence. “Paul the Octopush can stick his lessh impresshive predictions up hish genitalsh! (Which are located in his head, as is the anatomy of an Octopus.) My turbot hash predicted loadsh of shtuff, such as every shingle reshult in the Rymansh 1998/99 seashon, the exact length in daysh of Tony Adamsh prison shentance for drink driving and the circumference of Theo Walcottsh adult penish before he wash even born. Handy shtuff!”

How does he do it? Seedorf admits the method came to him quite by accident when he was experimenting with his junior chemistry set as a young boy. “Well firsht he is sick into his fish tank. Then I remove the vomit and put it in a refridgerator for sheveral daysh. Then I shubmerge it in a vat of boiling acid. Then I carefully remove it and put it in an energy particle accelerator. I collate the reshults and put them into a pie chart. Then I take out the pie shlices that I dont like the of. Then I shtudy the remaining shlices for maybe two or three weeksh. Then I make a complete guessh at what it meansh. It ushually alwaysh worksh.”

However, like all stories involving supernatural sea creatures, Clarence’s turbot’s is tinged with sadness. “I called him Michael Fish cosh it wash funny at the time,” the Dutchman revealed, choking back the tears. “Since Mishter Fish hash no longer been the face of the Met offish, nobody knowsh who he ish and I have to exshplain the joke to people when the ashk and they ushually respond by shaying shomething unimpresshed like “Oh.””

So, according to Michael Fish, who is going to win the World Cup final between the Netherlands and Spain on Saturday? “How the fecksh should he know? He’s jusht a fish. And he’s been dead for sixshteen yearsh.” Somewhat unnervingly, Mr Seedorf still keeps Michael Fish in his tank and feeds him daily.

Shilts should bring attention to the fact that the ‘h’ key on his keyboard is jammed and keeps randomly inserting ‘h’s’ everywhere. In no way should this be confused with Shilts cheaply attempting to mock Seedorf’s Dutch accent.

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more ‘Shiltings’ of no worth.


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