Thierry Henry’s Move to MLS club New York Red Bulls opens floodgates to ageing stars looking for a transfer stateside

PhotobucketPhotobucketAfter Thierry Henry’s, a player very much ‘in his prime’ (apparently), move to MLS club New York Red Bulls created a media storm, several of the game’s players ‘in their prime’ (N.B. read ‘prime’ as ‘over 30, past their best and, in some cases, morbidly obese’) are looking to replicate Henry’s success by securing lucrative stateside moves of their own, according to Perez Shilton’s resident PI Staan Coollymore and man in the transfer know, Little Johnny:

  • Andriy Shevchenko has been seen hanging around outside FC Dallas’ stadium, doing keepy-ups and wearing a ‘for sale’ sign around his neck, in the hope that a club official notices him.
  • Gary Neville is wanted on charges of vandalism after throwing a brick through DC United’s RFK Stadium window which had a DVD showreel entitled ‘Roberto Carlos’ Gary Neville’s Greatest Games’ attached to it, a compilation of Roberto Carlos’ career highlights which has been digitally altered so that Neville’s face is photoshopped over the Brazilian’s.
  • Ronaldinho spent all of yesterday doing Toronto FC’s boss Preki’s weekly shop for him, and spent over five hours in Wal-Mart trying to find the frozen yoghurt section.
  • Edgar Davids has been doing the entire washing up for Chivas USA’s kitchen staff since Monday and there are ongoing talks to hire him as a full time kitchen hand or in some cleaning capacity.
  • Michael Owen’s Soccer Skills’ to be played on a loop on a big screen outside Seattle Sounders’ Qwest Field stadium, with the permanently injured striker remarking “that’s me that is!” to anyone who walks past.
  • Lee Bowyer has gone for the more aggressive and threatening tact by leaving a severed tentacle from Paul the Psychic Octopus on the Chicago Fire manager Carlos del los Cobos’ pillow to serve as a warning. Rumours are that Bowyer is willing to go so far as to throw give de los Cobos’ beloved dog into a threshing machine.
  • Staan has intercepted a note from former England legend Alan Shearer to LA Galaxy boss, Bruce Arena, offering “sexual favours” (“nothing involving live horses though, I’ve made that mistake once before, never again”) in return for a trial to mark Shearer’s sensational return to the game.

Expect to see all/none of these moves materialising sometime soon, depending on the reliability of Staan and Johnny’s information. I would go for the latter option.

In Actual News:

Emile Heskey Retires From International Football, Having Scored A Majestic 7 Goals Over 11 Years

David Beckham Wants To Be A Pro Lego Builder ‘When He Grows Up’

Steven Gerrard’s Move To Real Thwarted By Madrid’s Dropping Their Bid In Order To Secure The Services Of Paul The Octopus For Their Aquarium


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