New Premier League Season In Jeopardy & Fernando Torres Quashes Transfer Rumours

Serious doubt was cast over the 2010/2011 Premier League season’s taking place when it became evident sometime last week that nobody could be bothered.

Leading scientists have put the lack of enthusiasm from all parties involved down to a mental condition they call ‘Unfazed By The Prospect Of More Football Now That The World Cup Is Over Syndrome’.

One scientist who wastes his talent studying the mentality within football, rather than anything actually beneficial, states “This condition usually occurs after a somewhat underwhelming World Cup. Everyone builds up unrealistic expectations of the tournament and gets thoroughly involved, watching all the games on TV, completing stickerbooks, plotting to slowly murder Andy Townsend and so on. Then, when it fails to reach those expectations, everyone gets bored and go off and engage in other hobbies, like cow tipping.”

This lack of interest from fans means that journalists do not have the willpower to continue the extensive football coverage that was seen during their time in South Africa. This has lead to a severe decline in completely fabricated transfer rumours, the lifeblood of pre-Premiership football coverage.

“I’m gutted,” remarks Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp. “The only way I knew who to sign was by looking on the BBC gossip page, seeing who we were linked with and then bidding for them. Only sometimes my internet messed up and showed me out of date gossip from ages ago and confused me. This explains why I re-bought Pascal Chimbonda.”

The other 19 Premier League managers, who prefer to use more traditional means when operating in the transfer market, are all suitably nonplussed about transfer incomings and outgoings, simultaneously releasing the exact same statement which reads: “Meh. Our current squad will probably do.”

There even seems to be a lack of enthusiasm from the players’ side, with, who previously looked to be one of the summer’s most talked about transfer targets, Fernando Torres even issuing a statement saying: “Liverpool? Chelsea? It’s all much of a muchness. I’d prefer to spend my days living under a bridge shouting swear words at passersby and playing my banjo to entertain the pondlife. I can do a bloody good rendition of ‘Goodnight Irene’.”


All this has caused crisis talks amongst the FA’s top officials who are contemplating whether there is any point in actually in staging a Premier League season this year or if they should just show reruns of classic low budget football drama ‘Dream Team’ instead.

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