Emile Heskey Complains Of ‘Worst Ever’ Retirement Party & Howard Webb Is Traumatised

After hanging up his boots from international duty, with 11 years of England service under his belt, Emile Heskey was less than happy at the response, particularly during his celebratory retirement party dinner.

“It was a disaster,” a distraught Emile sobbed to Shilts. “Every single guest decide to verbally abuse my pitiful goalscoring record of 7 goals in 62 caps mercilessly. Even my mum. She even dressed up in an incredibly realistic Emile Heskey costume and spent the whole night approaching people and saying ‘Hi, I’m Emile Heskey, I’m properly bad at goalscoring’.

“Then all the guests spent the entire duration of my ‘Emile Heskey Career Highlights’ showreel rolling about on the floor laughing. They had no respect.

“Then there was the incident with the food. I had a whole table laid out with nibbles such as cake and horderves, but all the guests took it upon themselves to stand on the table and boot everything off in the direction of a novelty twenty foot goal I had erected in my garden, yelling “Look at me! I’m Emile! Watch me score!” Their impressions were pretty poor. Some of the food actually went in the goal.”

“Towards the end of the night, they all got extremely drunk and forced me to try and score a penalty through the massive goal. I reluctantly took it and missed, the ball somehow smashed every bit of glass in the neighbours’ greenhouse and killed their dog instead.

“At this point the guests paraded me round town where townsfolk pelted me with vegetables and England Mars bars. Then they handcuffed me to a fishing trawler and I woke up in a port in Dunwich covered in trout.

“Worst retirement party ever.”

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Meanwhile World Cup Final referee Howard Webb is reportedly being given two fortnights off from Premier League duty to ‘recover from his harrowing experience officiating the Holland Spain match.

“He’s completely traumatised,” reveals his wife. “Howie has spent the last four days sitting in a freezing cold bath, occasionally screaming when he sees visions of Arjen Robben and Mark Van Bommel, waving imaginary cards at nobody and blowing the tune of the ‘Macarena’ on his ref’s whistle.”

Follow Shilts on Twitter for more Shiltings of no worth.

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