Joe Cole Completes Move To Warm Liverpool’s Benches + Sol Campbell, Phil Jagielka, Rob Hulse & Cesc Fabregas Rumours

It’s time for another new feature that will probably be dropped after a short while: ‘Little Johnny’s Twenty Four Seven Transfer Window Tip Offs

Photobucket Perez Shilton’s resident transfer expert, Little Johnny, whose uncle is friends with a guy who knows someone who works as a postman for every club in the land, apparently, will be taking a look through the Transfer Window, which is situated next to his cot, to bring you round the clock updates (not including post 8pm bedtime hours) of all the latest transfer deals, gossip and lies to keep you sufficiently satisfied.

Monday 19th August:


Joe Cole to Liverpool on a free transfer:

After being released by Chelsea, Joe Cole has turned down reported offers from Arsenal and Tottenham, two Champions League sides, in order to warm benches for Europa League outfit Liverpool instead.

Liverpool’s new manager Roy Hodgson has released a statement which says: “I am delighted to have captured Joe, it signals our huge ambition; to have the warmest benches in the country. Key to any club’s success is the temperature of their subs bench, as any physio will tell you; warm buttocks equals a decrease in 5% unhappiness at not being picked to start.

“Spurs were keen to add him to their bench to add to their stellar bench warming lineup of Carlo Cudicini, David Bentley and Roman Pavlyuchenko, so this is a real coup for us.”

Fact: Despite having the face of a primary school child, Joe Cole is going imminently bald, giving him the look of a teenage Buddhist monk or the titular character Casper the Friendly ghost, which, as we all know, was a kids’ TV show about a dead child’s adventures in the afterlife.


Sol Campbell to Newcastle on a free transfer:

This rumour has been given more credence due to the fact that Newcastle boss Chris Hughton has been heard by Johnny’s mate talking to a scout stating “even though our rather weak midfield still means we have to play Joey Barton, what I’d really like is an ageing defender with a really shiny head and a fat arse.”

Johnny’s Verdict:Almost certain to happen. Unless Chris is referring to Jaap Stam, which is a large possibility.”

Everton’s Phil Jagielka to Arsenal for £18 million:

Arsene Wenger is noted for rarely buying English players, rarely buying well known players, rarely spending over £50 for said players and rarely strengthening his back four, however weak they appear to be.

Johnny’s Verdict:No chance at that price.”

Rob Hulse to Blackpool for £1 million:

Rob Hulse is a man who spends most of his time being transferred to clubs that have either just been relegated or will be relegated during his time there for a large amount of said clubs’ transfer budgets. This move would be a record signing for Blackpool.

Johnny’s Verdict: “Probable relegation team Blackpool are a perfect fit for Hulse, this is a likely deal.”


Johnny says: “Cesc Fabregas to stun both Arsenal and Barcelona and pack in football to do what he’s always wanted; become a monster truck driver.”

That’s your lot for transfers. Feel free to send in your own gossip via the ‘Submit Gossip’ button on the right or through Perez Shilton’s Twitter.


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