EXCLUSIVE: Why Martin Jol Snubbed Fulham

After the departure of Roy Hodgson to Liverpool, Fulham have been frantically on the hunt for a new gaffer, with the new season starting in less than a month. Former Tottenham boss Martin Jol, who is currently managing Ajax, appeared to fit the bill and he was expected to sign with the Cottagers in the next few days.

However, it has now become apparent that the move for Jol will not materialise, with the Dutchman indicating that he wants to stay with de Godenzonen. Shilts caught up with Martin* to find out why, and can now exclusively reveal** why Jol has snubbed a move to West London after looking so likely to complete one:

“The main factor was because of my head’s uncanny resemblance to a potato,” he admits, looking visibly upset. “I didn’t think it would be a factor at all, but I was wrong.”

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“The first abuse occurred whilst I was walking past a cinema on Fulham Road which was screening their first showing of ‘Toy Story 3’. Several children mistook me for a man dressed as Mr. Potato Head and requested that they have pictures taken with me. This process took over three hours, as everyone in the queue wanted one, and was repeated ten minutes later when I foolishly walked passed another cinema in Leicester Square without thinking.

“I then had to go past the original cinema to get to Craven Cottage, and, as I had already been made 5 hours late for my meeting with Fulham’s directors, I refused any pictures and tried to walk past. My refusal made numerous children cry and one parent was so angry at this she hit me full force over the head with an umbrella, rendering me unconscious for another four hours. I woke up in Accident and Emergency who demanded that I had to stay the night there.

“This meant I arrived at my meeting with the directors one day and three hours late. Amazingly, the directors had not left, however Mohamed Al-Fayed demanded that I “remove that ridiculous costume” when I walked in. I tried reasoning with him that I was not wearing a costume and that it was just my head’s unfortunate potato-y shape and starchy appearance, but he was having none of it. After trying to explain for an hour, I gave up and left. On my way out I head Mr. Al-Fayed say to one of his directors “where is this Martin Jol, he is a day and four hours late.” They could still be waiting for all I know.

“I then went to McDonalds to get a double cheeseburger to calm my nerves. Instead of complying with my request, the employee tutted, remarked “how did you get out here?” then grabbed me by my head and submerged it in the deep fryer for several minutes, then lightly salted it and served me to a customer.

“The final insult came when the customer bit me, proclaimed that I tasted ‘awful’ and spent over two hours complaining to the manager about my taste. At this point I snapped and pushed over the straw holder in rage. My yells that I was a real person were met with a shrug, and the customer continued to complain.

“At the end of the day, whilst I did get repeatedly accosted for my appearance, I also bought some nice ornaments for my garden, including this one hilarious gnome on a surfboard, so overall it was a successful trip.”

*(N.B. Replace sentence with ‘saw the back of Martin’s from a distance. Although it could have been John Malkovich.’)

**(N.B. Replace ‘reveal’ with ‘guess’)

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