For Sale: Liverpool Squad – Hurry While Stocks Last!

Your man Shilts owes Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson after Roy kindly helped him sell an outboard motor and his Fiat Panda by setting up an advert in the local newspaper, so, upon learning of Liverpool’s firesale to try and clear some of the Red’s massive £351 million debts, Shilts will kindly return the favour.

For Sale:

Alberto Aquilani

Price: £10 million

Description: Condition: Like new – still in his original packaging, but faulty. One small flaw with Alberto is that he has an ankle injury which makes it almost impossible for him to last longer than 20 minutes in a game without crumpling like a plastic cup being trodden on.

However, the rest of this player is in working order, so he would be ideal to use as spare parts for other players.

Was bought for £17 mil only last year, so you would be picking up a real bargain.

Steven Gerrard

Price: £25-30 million

Description: In his own words: “Fun loving Anfield legend seeking new club to ease him into retirement with a substantial contract.

“Likes: Scoring last gasp wonder goals, standing around with my hands on my hips looking frustrated, punching DJs when they put on songs I don’t like, not going to jail, long walks and getting caught in the rain.

“Dislikes: Rafa Benitez, playing on the left, occasionally bothering when I can’t be arsed, slag tags and Chinese food.

“New club must: Be tall, dark, handsome outgoing, adventurous, have a sense of humour and preferably be Real Madrid.”

Dirk Kuyt

Price: £6 million

Description: Runs about a lot and doesn’t do much else.

Except look like Sloth from the Goonies.

Lucas Leiva

Price: £12.99 – or best offer

Description: Can’t be bothered to go out and buy your son a Christmas present come Winter time? Then Lucas is for you! Beat the crowds or parents that will inevitably be trying to by presents their child actually want by taking advantage of this great offer!

Lucas is almost fully poseable and can entertain your child for hours with his hilarious ineptness kicking around a football in your garden.

Warning: Keep away from fire and children under 3 (Lucas has a penchant for mistaking small children and babies for footballs and accidentally booting them, something which is not advised for your child’s general wellbeing.)


Mr R. Hodgson, Anfield Road, Liverpool L4 0.

Tel: 0151 263 2361‎ (during working 9-5 hours) or email:


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