Film Ideas and Suggestions For David Beckham’s Foray Into Acting

Tom Cruise, actor, scientologist and qualified small person, has told his mate David Beckham to go into acting; “He’s got the looks, he’s got everything. He’d be terrific.” Your man Shilts agrees with the start of the quote, then is dubious about the truth in the middle part, and is fairly sure the last sentence is a lie.

Anyhow, if Beckham does choose to follow Cruise’s advice and starts an unsuccessful career as an actor, Shilts has come up with a few suggestions for movies in which D-Beck (as he is called stateside (apparently)) could play the starring role.

The ideas are all rough drafts and nowhere near the finished article yet, so don’t judge them too harshly:

Star Becks

David Beckham is blasted into space for unexplained reasons and starts fighting suspiciously humanoid aliens, again, for unexplained reasons, but probably because they are trying to destroy earth.

The suspiciously humanoid aliens speak English, have similar emotions and have almost exactly the same body parts as humans. In fact, the only difference between them and us is the fact that they have giant elbows, speak in a Swedish accent and are blue/green/purple (I haven’t decided yet).

The film ends with Beckham delivering the relatable, universal moral message: “That’s the last time I go into space for no reason again!” This is met with hearty laughter from his Space crew and his trusty hybrid robot/thermos flask companion, Mr Jefferson, who is either played by Billy Baldwin or a thermos flask with eyes painted on.

Green Eggs and Beckham

Based on the Dr. Seuss children’s book ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, one character details his hatred of both green eggs and David Beckham, whilst his friend tries to convince him to change his mind.

The film culminates in the first character eating the green eggs and David Beckham and concluding, whilst paying homage to Dr. Seuss’ rhyming couplet style, that:

“These are not bad at all with sauce, they even taste better than scrotum of a horse.”

ReBeckham

David Beckham plays Rupert ‘Rebecca’ Norris, a man whose transvestite alter-ego, Rebecca, enjoys cross-dressing up as wartime singing sensation Vera Lynn and performing harrowing renditions of ‘The White Cliffs of Dover’ and ‘We’ll Meet Again’ at open mic nights in local pubs.

Rupert is looking for acceptance from the people he loves, whilst also trying to inspire the British to overcome the Nazis, with the twist being that he has a mental condition which makes him believe that it is permanently the early 1940s. As a result, he lives in a bunker, takes a ration book to Tesco and calls everyone ‘old sport’.

Bent Like Beckham

Similarly to ‘ReBeckham’, ‘Bent Like Beckham’ is a story of a character looking for acceptance. Loosely based on the 2002 smash hit ‘Bend It Like Beckham’, David Beckham plays David Beckham, a closet homosexual playing for Manchester United.

He suffers much abuse from Roy Keane, the film’s villain, but the film has an uplifting happy ending in which his sexuality is accepted by his friends, family and teammates and the film ends with a hilarious scene in which they all throw Keane into a vat of sulphuric acid.

All Hands on Becks

Like ‘Bent Like Beckham’, ‘All Hands on Becks’ is another film with homoerotic overtones. Unlike ‘Bent Like Beckham’, ‘All Hands on Becks’ is an explicit porn film in which some randy sailors (men and women – caters to all audiences) frolic with David Beckham, who is also on board their ship for some reason.

QueBeckham

A comedy in which David Beckham goes to the Canadian province of Quebec on holiday, but forgets to bring any money, clothes or a toothbrush – with hilarious results!

The zany film sees Beckham get into an ice wrestling match with an Inuit, set fire to a moose and get an inappropriate tattoo across his forehead. Will Ferrell also stars and spends the entire duration of his screen time shouting all of his not particularly amusing lines at the top of his voice. Shilts hopes that people still find that funny.

Tex Becks

Pretty much the exact same premise of ‘QueBeckham’, but in the US county of Texas.

This time, David Beckham starts a ranching business and fathers fourteen children, all called Mike, with his favourite cow, Sue Ellen. In one side-splittingly funny scene, David accidentally runs over one of his Mikes with his pickup truck, killing that Mike instantly. David gets out of his truck, looks at Mike then into the camera, pulls a funny face and says “Hot Damn!”, then starts linedancing whilst wildly shooting two pistols in the air and setting off fireworks.

Jeff Beckham

A biopic of legendary guitarist Jeff Beck, with little basis in fact.

There may be some criticism and lawsuits over some of the inaccuracies in the plot, particularly the fact that it concludes with Jeff Beck scoring the winning penalty in the LDV Vans trophy, then, when he goes to collect the trophy itself from the Royal box, he delivers Maxium Decimus’ speech from ‘Gladiator’ and punches the Queen in the face. However, Shilts doesn’t reckon using a bit of artistic license is necessarily a bad thing.

***

Eight box office blockbusters right there. If you are a Hollywood/unsuccessful film producer, feel free to drop Shilts a line and maybe we can discuss making these into a reality.

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