Exclusive: Why O’Neill Quit Aston Villa And Why He’s Taking Milner With Him

After the ‘sensational’ international retirement of England fringe players Paul Robinson and Wes Brown, quitting has become all the rage in football and ex-Aston Villa boss Martin O’Neill has become the latest person to jump on the resignation bandwagon, leaving the Villans after four years with immediate effect.

Speaking exclusively to Perez Shilton, O’Neill has revealed the reasons for his sudden departure; (Warning: a lame attempt to transcribe O’Neill’s Irish accent follows) “Oi want to go an’ work on t’fields in Ireland like me pa used to, become a potato farmer y’know like?

And oi’m takin’ yer man James Milner with me too. That boy loves agriculture more than he loves gravy and mining, which is quite a lot oi can assure ye’. He was driving tractors when he was jus’ five years old and by t’age o’ twelve he was mating with the livestock.We’re gonna have a grand ol’ time together, so ye can stick that one up yer bollix Man City.” This last statement is thought to be in reference to Manchester City’s relentless pursuit of Villa player Milner during this summer’s transfer window, in order to add him to their growing collection of ‘midfielders who will not be played regularly enough, become unsettled and will probably leave by this time next year’.

This retiring phenomenon is expected to result in the resignations of Harry Redknapp, Arsene Wenger and Sam Allardyce, who are to become a fruit and veg seller on a Hackney market stall, a nude art class model and a medical experiment test subject respectively, by the end of the week.

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