The Definitive Transfer Deadline Day Live Text and Round-up – August 31st 2010

Shilts is back after a week on holiday in Paris. It was enjoyable up until this bald prick fined him 40 Euros for not having a ticket on a train as Shilts tried to buy one off him, rendering the whole trip crap.
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Anyhow, on to today’s blog which comes under the purview of Perez Shilton’s beady eyed junior transfer gossip expert, Little Johnny.  That’s right those who have read the title, it’s only The Definitive Transfer Deadline Day Round-up for August 31st 2010!

Little Johnny has been reading the back pages of the tabloids all morning, just for you, an achievement made all the more impressive by the fact that he can’t read. He has also got the numbers of 493 bollocks talking agents, journos and people who claim their relatives work for a football club and plans to ring them all repeatedly throughout the day, provided he gets permission off his mum first. All this to bring you news of football’s most consistently disappointingly overrated and not in any way exciting day in the calender, with devastating inaccuracy.

Get involved yourself via the comment section, Twitter, fax or carrier pigeon.

11.41: Little Johnny understands that Aussie Arsenal target and current Fulham goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer is to pack in the game to focus on his life’s work of covering himself in vegemite and loudly playing his didgeridoo in the ears of people in intensive care wards. No move North London-wards for him then.

11.46: Ade ‘Panicbuyi’ Akinbiyi to be bought by Birmingham, with manager Alex McCleish apparently going mental and buying anyone whose name he recognises from Football Manager.

11.48: Ade Akinbiyi has failed a medical at Birmingham, looks set to join Wigan though.

11.50: Ade’s similar sounding name triggers the memory of Emmanuel Adebayor in Alex McCleish’s mind, who he is now on the phone desperately trying to sign.

11.55: Kaka has been spotted at Blackpool Tower. Though he’s not planning on signing for the Tangerines, just eating a Mr Whippy apparently.

11.58: Wigan have signed Ade Akinbiyi. Elsewhere Spurs have lost out on yet another striker they were interested in with Fat Ronaldo signing for Dagenham and Redbridge.

12.04: This entry comes from a fellow named Mark via post: “Hello Perez Shilton, I am currently on holiday in Brighton and I can see someone who looks like the absolute spit of Xavi riding the dodgems. At first I thought he might be signing for the Seagulls, but it turned out it wasn’t actually him.” Thanks Mark. Useful stuff.

12.07: Arsene Wenger is reportedly weighing up the possibility of bringing Neville Southall to the club, according to myself.

12.12: With so many clubs vying for his signature, Robbie Keane has had a nervous breakdown and is rocking back and forth in a corner at White Hart Lane not knowing who to sign for and weeping the tune to ‘Danny Boy’.

12.22: Off for luncheon. Be back soon. It’s ravioli for any of you lunch fans out there.

12.38: Back. The ravioli hasn’t gone down well. In more transfer related news, Ade Akinbiyi has been sold by Wigan to Nottingham Forest.

12.45: Bolton boss Owen Coyle has had a mare after his fax machine malfunctioned & accidentally bid for every player in the country.

12.55: My sources tell me that Sergio Aguero is currently eating a lamp hotpot. Could this mean a move to Blackburn is on the cards?

12.58: Liverpool gaffer on a shoestring budget Roy Hodgson is having to scrape the barrel, allegedly planning to sign fictional Dream Team striker Karl Fletcher. This is all the more barrel scrape-y as fans of the show will know that Fletcher was killed after being impaled on a peg in series 8.

13.12: My mate’s granddad is Chris Hugton’s mistress and he says Newcastle are trying to sign all the Ameobi and Sodje bros and have them fight.

13.15: Ade Akinbiyi has been sold on from Nottingham Forest to Scunthorpe.

13.19: A trusty cab driver has told me he heard what he was sure was Mesut Ozil being sick in West Ham’s training ground bins as he drove past.

13.30: A dream move nearly materialises for Blackpool, but wonderkid Sergio Aguero misses his medical after falling down an open manhole cover.

13.43: Text from a man claiming to be called Neville Neville: “Hi Shilts, my son is Gary Neville. Not Phil Neville, his daddy was Jaap Stam.” Thanks Neville, there’s little relevance for that but ah well, it’s a slow day.

13.48: Benni McCarthy’s proposed move to Stoke is in jeopardy after he wandered off looking for a good kebab takeout in the area.

13.59: Robbie Keane has been seen wandering aimlessly on the M4 looking frightened and wanting to go home.

14.21: Things more interesting than this deadline day: golf, sand, a rock that a pigeon has excreted on, Bill Oddie’s pubic hair and guttering.

14.30: Marlon King was set for a sensational return to football at West Ham, until he commandeered a minibus full of nuns and crashed it into a Co-op.

14.51: Ade Akinbiyi has been sold on from Scunthorpe to Burton Albion.

14.58: Spurs miss out on yet another striker target as Carlton Cole ‘can’t be bothered’ to walk down to White Hart Lane.

15.02: Ryan Babel’s helicopter seen giving a family a guided air tour around the Cleethorpes area.

15.19: My friend Deano says he just saw Kevin Davies in a Norwich cafe, elbowing a widow.

15.39: Mikael Silvestre has applied for the vacant catering role at Manchester United, another season at Old Trafford for him then.

15.56: Ade Akinbiyi has left Burton Albion and has been transferred to Gretna for an undisclosed fee.

16.17: Some more stuff happens, and then some more stuff and then everyone stopped caring because the stuff that was happening wasn’t good stuff.

16.29: Charles N’Zogbia has tripped over and got his shoelace stuck in an escalator on his way to sign for Fulham.

16.41: Spurs miss out on another player, with Scott Parker becoming ‘too sunburnt to move’ in a deckchair in Skegness.

16.55: Robinho to Milan! Milan Mandaric that is, not the club. Reportedly, the Serb is going to use him as a chauffeur.

17.00: Blimey, five o’clock already, how time flies when you’re constantly watching it, hoping, praying for some sort of interesting news and not getting any. Oh yes it does, oh yes.

17.04: Via Twitter: @RyanBabel: “I’m going no where….” Possibly the most interesting news all day. Cheers Ryan.

17.10: Just seen Paul Konchesky in Homebase trying to buy a shagpile carpet, but not having the required funds. Says he’ll be back later.

17.18: Jim Fitzpardle has just been invented by Little Johnny to please rumour mongers and has immediately been linked to Manchester City, Tottenham Hotspur and Rushden & Diamonds.

17.19: Jim Fitzpardle to Liverpool is the latest I’m hearing.

17.20: Fitzpardle to Arsenal. Apparently he’s ‘not as shit as Fabianksi’ in goals, despite having deformed child size hands.

17.21: Clubs across the country have gone Fitzpardle mad, with Stoke, Birmingham, Bolton and West Brom all vying for his signature.

17.22: Everything has gone quiet on the Fitzpardle front for the minute. Will bring you news when I can.

17.23: A host of Europe’s top clubs have joined the race for Fitzpardle including Inter, Real Madrid, Ajax and FC St Pauli.

17.24: Fitzpardle is now rumoured to have been kidnapped by Sir Alex Ferguson and kept in the boot of his Saab.

17.26: Tragedy has struck Jim Fitzpardle as the pedalo he was in has sunk in a pond in Haversham. He has been airlifted from the scene.

17.30: Medics are saying that he will ‘never play football at any standard above mediocre again’. Rafa Benitez rumoured to still be interested.

17.36: Mick McCarthy has reportedly lost out on over seventy transfer deals today after offending players with his pronunciation of their names. Surprisingly these players include David Dunn and Alan Smith.

17.41: Harry Redknapp has failed to sign Jim Fitzpardle, who has retired from football to try his hand at dogging.

17.50: LAST TEN MINUTES OF THE TRANSFER WINDOW BONANZA!

17.51: Nothing’s happened.

17.52: Nothing’s happened.

17.53: Nothing’s happened.

17.54: Nothing’s happened.

17.55: Nothing’s happened.

17.56: Nothing’s happened.

17.57: Nothing’s happened.

17.58: Nothing’s happened.

17.59: With only a minute left of the transfer window Harry ‘don’t call me a facking wheeler dealer’ Redknapp has tabled bids for 320 strikers. They have all been rejected. Including one for Ade Akinbiyi, who choose to join the Blockbuster staff in Rotherham instead.

18.00 TRANSFER WINDOW IS SHUT: Conclusion: Nothing happened.

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