Gerard Houllier Misses Aston Villa Game Due To Arrest

Aston Villa’s supposed new boss Gerard Houllier was noticeably absent during yesterday’s game against Stoke, which Villa went on to lose 2-1.

Speaking exclusively to Perez Shilton, Houllier revealed the reason was that he was off solving crimes in a quiet village in middle England.

“Jus’ look at meee, I am ze ideal, er, ‘ow do you say, er, private detective. I ‘ave got zat calculated, knowing look in ma eyes like Monsieur Hercule Poirot an’ I carry around with me ze smoking jacket an’ an array of finely decorated pipes to smoke when solving ze murders.

“Unfortunately, on zis particular occasion, the woman in Newton Abbot who I thought was dead an’ started examining intimately with my magnifying glass was merely sleeping in ‘er own bed. An’ because I like to do my investigating sans clothing, it makes me feel more alive you see, she woke up an’ started screaming. When she would not shut up I smothered her with ze pillow.

“I then spent several days trying to solve ze mystery of ‘er peculiar death, an’ using my superior grey matter an’ CCTV footage, I was able to deduce that I myself was the murderer in question. I set a trap for myself, forcing myself to admit to ze murder at a polite gathering of all ze other suspects in ze police station, by revealing details I had discovered. I then apprehended myself trying to escape through the window and handed myself in.

“I ‘ad ‘oped zat ze police would ‘ave made an exception for someone ‘oo add solved a murder, but non. Your police service is a disgrace. Zey did not even believe that I am a private detective, jus’ because I ‘ave not got any qualifications or authority in zis area, zey be thinking I make up ze whole story about investigating. I was detained in ze police station for ze sexual assault and murder until 10.30 zis morn when ma sidekick, Gary McAllister, posted bail.”

“For zis reason I could not make it to Stoke, so you see.”

Your man Shilts should stress that the man quoted here might not be the actual Gerard Houllier, just a man who looks exactly like him and shares the same name and for this reason, none of this article should be believed in the slightest.

Free Gerard Houllier.

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