Tragedy Befalls Sam Allardyce And El Hadji Diouf

Blackburn Rovers have been stunned by the deaths of manager Sam Allardyce and striker El Hadji Diouf.

I would be more suited to Inter Milan or Real Madrid.” Allardyce had confidently yelled just earlier today. “It wouldn’t be a problem for me to manage those clubs because I would win the double or the league every time.

It is rumoured that for the last 30 days, Derren Brown had been secretly filming a self confidence boosting show with Allardyce as the subject. He had got Big Sam to perform such confidence enhancing exercises as eating five doner kebabs with one mouthful and sneering at people in a council estate, however with the show’s main stunt, having Allardyce fight a grizzly bear, the showman pushed Sam too far.

“He was on top of the world earlier today and he deluded himself into believing he could do anything with his tactics, hence the earlier comments about Real and Inter,” a distraught Brown exclusively sobbed to Shilts. “It was when he went to put his theory to the test against a live grizzly bear in an enclosure in  Bristol Zoo that we realised things went too far.”

Allardyce couldn't 'bear' the brunt of the bear's attacks

“He bought his sidekick El Hadji Diouf with him and had him spit at the bear. Unfortunately this made the bear livid and Diouf was devoured in seconds.

“His backup tactic of fighting defensively and booting objects aimlessly and from a great distance towards the bear only served to make it angrier and more sadistic. It ripped off Big Sam’s legs and started hitting him with them in the face, taunting him to stop kicking himself. Then the bear boiled the West Midlands man’s testicles, made them into a stew and had the country’s top food critics declare that the stew tasted awful. Finally it jumped up and down on Allardyce’s head whilst shouting “take that you stupid big-jawed, meat-faced, walrus-alike twat!”, chopped him up into fine pieces with it’s trusty katana sword and dumped the pieces down a drain.”

‘Top’ pundit Alan Hansen has suggested that had Allardyce still had Kevin Davies and his razor sharp elbows at his disposal, the end result could have been entirely different.

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