England’s World Cup bid loss causes deep trauma to David Beckham, but there’s hope yet

A podgy lady wins the first prize food blender in the pre-decision FIFA raffle.

FIFA have landed a crushing blow to England’s World Cup 2018 hopes by, annoyingly, promising it to someone else. Russia or Siberia or Narnia or some cold place like that. Shilts cares not, for he is more concerned about the well being of David Beckham OBE.

As the official face of the bid, he had been wheeled out more times than the competitors at the Paralympics wheelchair derby. (PC note: these are also known as 100m, 200m, 800m etc races. Apparently.)  He was sent all round the world to appease various FIFA delegates by performing errands for them. Allegedly, Jack Warner had him launder money and avoid parking fines whilst Michel Platini had him stand on a plinth in the middle of Paris and proclaim “I am English, I am scum” whilst punching himself in the face with a giant novelty boxing glove over and over again for an entire week.

‘Surely,’ thought the Official England bidding team, ‘surely D Beck has done enough. Surely his pandering sycophantics have secured us the bid?’

Alas, it appeared that putting only a small amount of England’s eggs, or Goldenballs in this case, in the Official Bid basket was a foolish tactic, and when England only received two of a possible twenty two votes from FIFA members, it was clear to see that the Goldenballs, the eggs in this case, had fallen out of the basket and smashed all over the floor, leaving a puddle of yolk everywhere that made people go ‘eww’ and get their shoes all soggy.

The decision has been a devastating one for Beckham who has, according to reliable reports, been sat at the back of FIFA’s headquarters in Zurich, where the voting took place, looking stunned at England’s loss and repeating “but… I’m David Beckham…” to himself in a quiet, yet maniacal way.

There are rumours abound that the deep funk that this decision has put Beckham in will result in him taking up the trumpet and releasing a melancholic jazz album with shades of Herbie Hancock and Miles Davis. Others say he will just turn his back on football altogether and return to his real passion in life; vomiting on the windows of nursing homes during their feeding time.

On the small matter of Russia hosting the tournament, Shilts has had a word with his mate Sepp and he’s said that if I can extort enough deprived countries by next week, he’ll ‘think about having a change in mind.’ Shilts is duty bound to serve his country and therefore is off to Gabon with a transit van, a bag labelled ‘swag’, a balaclava and a big stick post haste. D Beck is coming too.


One Response to England’s World Cup bid loss causes deep trauma to David Beckham, but there’s hope yet

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