Why Chris Hughton was fired and the men to replace him

Chris Hughton was relieved of his services as Newcastle boss yesterday, allegedly on the grounds that Mike Ashley took a particular offence to the grey streak of hair that goes directly down the centre of Hughton’s head, stating it reminded him of a relative who he “hated and wished were dead”.

Rumours have surfaced that Ashley was referring to his dad after he had only received a pair of Kappa trainers for his last birthday from his old man. Sources say this sent Ashley into a rage, and quote him yelling: “They’re absolutely shite. I should know. I fockin’ sell them.”

This morning, realising that his actions will appear completely unjustified to the Toon faithful, Ashley has attempted to atone by having every single Newcastle favourite linked to the job, from Peter Beardsley, to Alan Shearer, to Mark Knopfler, to Cheryl Cole.

Knopfler’s managerial CV had especially impressed Ashley, who notes “has hasn’t been relegated as many times as Alan Shearer.” The Dire Straits man had promised to reunite all seven Ameobi brothers (Shoala, Sam, Tomi, Dopey, Bashful, Gary and Phil) if he gets the nod, quipping that he loves ‘Brothers in Arms(eobis)’.

Sadly for Mark, Ashley was neither a fan of puns nor familiar with Dire Strait’s back catalogue and so had him escorted off the promises, and will likely give the job to Ant and/or Dec instead, whose extensive work include hits such as ‘Let’s Get Ready to Rumble’ and ‘That Time Ant Got Hit In The Face With A Paintball And Blinded On Byker Grove‘ and not much else.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: