Pardew’s Newcastle management credentials assessed – Perez (Shilt)On #1: Alan Pardew

As Alan Pardew readies himself to take over the reigns at Newcastle, Perez Shilton takes a look over his career and assesses whether Mike Ashley will be making the right choice, in a new feature called Perez (Shilt)On..:

Playing Career

Turning out for such distinguished teams as Whyteleafe, Epsom and Ewell, Dulwich Hamlet and No-one – for he briefly retired for six months to shout provocative statements from atop scaffolding about the size of his genitals to females whilst working as a construction worker – he returned to football to play for Crystal Palace, being part of the team which reached the FA Cup Final in 1990.

In many ways, his playing career seems to have gone in the opposite direction to Joey Barton’s inevitable descent into returning trolleys for Spar, meaning that if their two paths are to meet at Newcastle it’ll be all Benjamin Button-y. Shilts likes this symmetry.

A true working man’s man, Pardew’s career was somewhat blighted by his constant urge to fix boilers and unblock drains, even rushing off the pitch during one game against Leeds to do some guttering. This desire to perform laborious handy man jobs resulted in him frequently being fined, however he was able to cover most of these with the amount he charged customers for time he spent in their kitchen, drinking their tea and “waiting for the right parts”.

Pardew varnishing a fence, Ronseal out of shot

Managerial Career

Pards began managing at Reading, leading them to promotion into the old Division One, now the Championship, and West Ham were all like ‘he looks ace, we’ll have him’. Another FA Cup Final defeat and the Hammer’s worst run of defeats in 70 years later, and they no longer had him.

This period was most notable for his touchline squabble with Arsene Wenger; after allegedly (according to Shilts) calling the Frenchman’s shoes “lame” and saying that his hair looked “properly rubbish” and throwing garlic at him, Wenger snapped and delivered his trademark finishing manoeuvre – the Petulant Arm Swing In The Opponent’s General Direction And An Expression Of General Contempt– resulting in Pardew being hospitalised for three months.

He then managed to successfully, much like former Newcastle boss during Mike Ashley’s tenure; Alan Shearer, lead Charlton to relegation into the Championship and then succeeded in leaving them in the state which saw them relegated to League One two years later.

Most recently, he managed Southampton to the 2010 Football League Trophy, a trophy so pointless that upon asking if was allowed to weld it onto the front of his Fiat Punto, the organisers told Pardew “go ahead, we don’t need it back.” He was then fired due to ‘low morale’ amongst staff and boardroom conflicts. Apparently, Pards had promised to build each member of staff a gazebo for a hefty fee, but instead delivered a tent from Halfords without any covering, claiming that it did exactly the same job as it was a ‘structure that lets the light in’ and was baffled at the complaints.

There are rumours abound that he has promised to extend Mike Ashley’s conservatory and double glaze his troublesome attic window, therefore is favoured for the Newcastle job ahead of Martin Jol, who promised instead to provide stability and steady improvement to the club.

Other Stuff

A glittering career in the media, Pardew managed to call all Hammers fans ‘wankers‘ during a mock interview, alleged that Michael Essien had raped Ched Evans, and also proposed that ‘all Belgians are dirty’. Shilts is unsure of the last one, but he probably did.

‘Pardew’s Plumbing, Patios and Procrastination Services’ are available, according to his business cards, at a ‘nominal fee per minute spent talking about the weather and waiting for my mate to turn up with the necessary parts.’

Your Say Via The Imaginary Perez Shilton Text In Service:

“i dnt lyk Prdew, he is rub ish, i wnt jose or sir al or al shearer sum1 lyk tht” – Alan Shearer, Newcastle

“He did a woeful job on shingling my roof, resulting in the death of my cat. Never again.” – John Stevens, Hereford

“I think he could do an excellent job, plus he’s a damn fine sink repairman. Affordable too.” – Alan Pardew, Wimbledon


One Response to Pardew’s Newcastle management credentials assessed – Perez (Shilt)On #1: Alan Pardew

  1. construction says:

    Hi liked your site, but I ask you to writing success in building more

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: