First look: Mario Balotelli’s new self help book on popularity

Beloved Manchester City forward Mario Balotelli is a charming man who knows how to get people to like him, anyone can see this just by looking at his track record; in his relatively few twenty years as a person he has:

-Fallen out with then manager Jose Mourinho whilst at Inter due to a perceived lack of effort.
-Been pictured wearing Inter’s arch rival’s AC Milan’s shirt.
-Thrown his shirt on the ground in response to fans booing his poor performance in Inter’s Champions League Semi Final defeat to Barcelona last year, leading to a group of supporters trying to physically assault him after the game.
-Joined Manchester City.
-Had a fight with teammate Jerome Boateng.
-Upon winning this year’s FIFA Golden Boy trophy, an award for young talent, he claimed not to have heard of runner up Jack Wilshere and said that he was far more deserving of the award than previous winners bar Lionel Messi, who include Cesc Fabregas and Wayne Rooney.
-Said he regrets moving to Manchester City, just five months into his Eastlands career.

With this phenomenal CV of popularity boosting antics, Shilts decided to set up a publishing house and has commissioned Balotelli to pen a range of self help books. You Perez Shilton readers are lucky enough to catch an exclusive glimpse at excerpts from his first book; “How To Be As Cool And Awesome And Bamf And Have As Many Friends As Me, Mario Balotelli, By Mario Balotelli”

“If a woman asks if she looks good in her new dress which she has bought to raise her spirits and make herself feel good after a series of harrowing events, firmly tell her that no, no she doesn’t. When she, taken aback, laughs at your comment, believing it to be in jest, reaffirm her that you are being serious and that you never joke about things. Then produce an air rifle and proclaim; ‘I will now shoot your dog, whom you love very dearly.’ Then shoot her dog. She will see that you are a man of your word, whilst falling for your honesty and your unwillingness to pander to basic human politeness and decency.”

“If a young child asks for an autograph, calmly spit in his face and pose the thought; ‘Would you ask Mother Teresa to scrawl her name on a piece of paper whilst she was tending to the sick and disabled? No. Then don’t bother me while I’m looking for new stereos in Currys you horrible selfish little arse.’ The people around you will be astounded by your astute reading of the situation and of the way you allowed time out from your busy schedule to impart wisdom on a minor.”

“Sit at the back of funerals being held for people you don’t know and loudly burst into laughter when anyone giving a moving speech starts to cry, then sarcastically mock them by putting your hands to your eyes, closing your fists and pretending to cry, chiding the words ‘boo hoo’. Tell them to get over it. People will take your humour in good jest and also find solace in your words. Then eat all the nibbles at the wake afterwards. This will make whoever took the effort in making them feel appreciated and explain to the other guests that they should be glad they were denied any as they are all probably on diets as they are all morbidly fat.”

“A similar tactic I like to employ is to attend weddings of people you don’t know and object when it is asked if anyone has any reason for the bride and groom to not be lawfully married. Claim that you are having a steamy affair with either the bride or groom and that there’s no way that you will allow them to marry someone without first thinking of the child you had together. Their marriage was probably bound to fail in the long run anyway and they will be appreciative rather than begrudging that you stopped them from entering probable marital hell, rather than only slightly possible true happiness. Try and find some animal excrement in the nearby area (failing this, your own will suffice) and smear it all over the guests’ cars. Not for any reason in particular, just for shits and giggles.”

And if that tantalising preview wasn’t enough for you rabid lot, well, then I’m sorry. That’s all he gave me. It’s the entire manuscript.

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