Exclusive: Interview with Andy Gray in which he apologises, then tries to explain his sexist comments

Following Richard Key’s successful interview on talkSPORT Radio in which he succeeded in not making his continued employment by Sky completely untenable and wasn’t forced to resign due to his ability to skilfully and humbly absolve himself of the needlessly derisive comments he made about linesman Sian Massey, Key’s partner in misogyny, Andy Gray, similarly decided to speak to highly respected news source Perez Shilton to likewise clear his name.

Perez Shilton: Andy! How have you been?

Andy Gray: I’m sorr-eh. Alreet? I’m sorr-eh.

PS: Okay…

AG: Aye said ayem sorr-eh. Wut more deh yeh want? Aye accept noow that vaginafolk have their place in the football.

PS: Vaginafolk? That’s not very PC of-

AG: AYE SAID AYE AM SORR-EH! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT D’YA WANT?! IT WERE JUST BANTER MATE!

PS: Ah, well if it was just banter then fair enough.

AG: Thank ye. Finally. People are allowed t’make discriminatory prejudiced personal attacks when it’s jus’ banter. Aye though’ everyone knew tha’.

PS: What do you make of the accusations that sexism is rife in the game?

AG: Oh aye.

PS: You agree?

AG: Aye jus’ said oh aye didn’ aye? Aye think forcin’ women to do jobs, such as officiating in football matches, that are way too advanced for them is beyond sexist. It’s inhumane.

PS: So you’re saying that it is sexist to employ female linesmen?

AG: Lessen-

PS: Lessen?

AG: Lessen! Wi’ yer ears ye daft twat!

PS: Oh right… listen-

AG: Yeh, lessen. Soccer is a game made by man, much like sperm. Now are yoo tellin’ me that yoo want women to make sperm ye sick bastard?!

PS: …Erm, no, no I don’t think I am…

AG: Right. Now you try and find me a woman who wants to spunk everywhere.

PS: Hilary Swank’s character in Boys Don’t Cry?

AG: Exactly. No one. Now I bet ye can’t find a single woman who wants t’run around on the sideline wavin’ a flag with her good cooking hand an’ guessin’ when someone’s offside. They should nae be forced to do it an’ it’s totally unfair on them. And that’s why aye’ve decided to set up my own campaign tryin’ to stamp out this blatant sexism that’s ruining our game. It’s called ‘Take A Bow (Out Of The Game Because You’re Not A) Son, Take A Bow‘.

PS: Wow! I’m impressed.

AG: Ye should be. We’re doin’ all sorts of fundraisers. Richard (Keys) is gonna get breast implants fer a month and I’m going to shave a vagina into my pubes!

PS: Sounds charitable!

AG: To tell ye the trooth Perez, I really like this philanthropy stuff, it makes me feel good inside. Like aye am makin’ a difference ye know? I might even try an’ move in teh other areas that aren’t just sexism.

PS: Yeah?

AG: Yeah, aye was speakin’ to me mate Ron Atkinson who also got fired fer comments he made off air. He wants t’start an education program for black people and provide them with furniture for them t’sit in as they are all inherently lazy.

PS:

AG: Hello? (We were conducting the interview over the phone and I was being silent you see)

PS: Bye Andy. (At this point I tried hanging up on him, however I pressed the wrong button and accidentally put him on loudspeaker instead. I then proceeded to make several derogatory comments about Gray. He took offence at my claims that he was a crap pundit who looks like a fat version of Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, stating that these comments went ‘beyond banter’,  and is threatening me with legal action due to the stress I have caused him. It’s a fucking stitch up I tell you).

DISCLAIMER: Perez Shilton’s phone has recently been playing up, meaning that he cannot hear anything anyone ever says on his end of the phone and that entire conversations are inaudible. As a result, he may or may not have panicked and completely made up all the words in this interview. He might even have also dialled the wrong number originally and instead conducted this interview with his mate Sexist Alan, who is next to Andy Gray in his phonebook, by mistake.

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