Entire Real Madrid squad pull out of Champions League tie with Tottenham Hotspur

Real Madrid "not up for the Champions League"

Already buoyed by the news that Cristiano Ronaldo, Karim Benzema and Marcelo were definitely not going to face them during their Champion’s League clash, Tottenham Hotspur have received even better news upon hearing that the entire Real Madrid squad have pulled out of the fixture, stating that they “can’t be bothered”, effectively giving Spurs a by till the Semi Finals.

Manager Jose Mourinho has been quoted (by Shilts) as saying “I look at the team sheet and I see important names missing, names such as Ronaldo, Benzema, Marcelo, Winston Bogarde; all missing. Then I think ‘what is the point? Can Jose be arsed to pick a team full of these amateurs such as Kaka and Higuain? No. No he can’t. So let Spurs have their day, Jose doesn’t care for them or their petty tournament.”

In light of these events, Spurs bossed Harry Redknapp has immediately heaped praise upon himself stating “I ‘ad a feelin’ that those Madrid boys wouldn’t be up for the match so I went over there and hit that fella Ronaldo with me 4×4, then reversed over his prostrate body a coupl’a times. Brilliant tactical move. Then I emailed Jose, insulted all of his family and said that I reckon he should focus on the Champions League ravver than the La Liga, knowing full well that he is well petulant and would do the opposite. Lavely.

“When you’ve been in the game as long as I ‘ave, you know when an’ how to make these decisions, an’ there’s no doubt that this Fabio Capello chap doesn’t, so inevitably these skills will come in ‘andy when I’m the England gaffer.

“I’m not saying I’m un’appy ‘ere at Spurs, I lav it ‘ere, but if you give me the England job I won’t lav it quite as much, if you know what I mean. Basically I’m available.

“C’MON FA ‘ARRY’S YOUR BITCH!

“…Er… I lav it ‘ere at Spurs…”

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