Arsene Wenger: “I will not change approach”

Aggrieved at watching their side throw away another title, like a Sergio Ramos covered in grease and precariously perched above an infinite crevice as a masked gunman bursts in and orders everyone to put their hands up or he’ll shoot, Arsenal fans have expressed yet more frustration towards manager Arsene Wenger’s refusal to compromise tactically.

Yet, speaking exclusively* to Perez Shilton, the Frenchman has once again vowed to stick with his tactics: “I have developed a vision here at Arsenal Football Club and intend to see it through.

“Long have pundits claimed that my teams try to ‘pass-it-into-the-net’, but this is simply not true. My teams try to ‘pass-around-the-area-of-the-net-then-give-it-to-Bendtner-who-tries-to-bicycle-kick-the-ball-even-though-it’s-on-the-floor-then-allow-the-opposition-to-hoof-it-clear-and-sometimes-score-as-a-result’ so I will not listen to anymore of this ‘pass-it-in’ nonsense, that tactic would never work!

The patented 'Wenger Manoeuvre'

“People may also criticise my recent tactical decision to allow the opposition to score goals late on which prevent us winning the match, but I stand by it. Once the players get used to and gain valuable experience in it by, say, next season, it will reap dividends. The players will have matured by then.

“People also say ‘Oh! Arsene! You’ve  been saying that your players will have matured and grown in experience by next season every season since Denilson was 9, this group of players aren’t young anymore, enough excuses, sort it out!’ But I say to them; look at Squillaci, only 30 years old and with plenty of time to develop into a not entirely rubbish centre back. And Emmanuel Eboué, only 27, shows me everyday in training the promise to develop into the successful folk singer songwriter we always knew he would be when we brought him to this club.

“Every summer, people come up to me and say ‘Oh hey Arsene, why don’t you buy in established talent?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, when are you gonna spend all that money you’ve never had?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, why don’t you melt Tomas Rosicky down and use him as a doorstop for the changing rooms or perhaps a mobile phone antennae?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, can you put some clothes on and get off our lawn, you’re scaring my kids?’ and I’m so sick of it. When have I listened to any of these things? Never.

“So fuck off.”

*And fictionally


One Response to Arsene Wenger: “I will not change approach”

  1. Pingback: the FOOTBALL channel - Page 928 - Digit Technology Discussion Forum

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