Cardiff v West Ham; Championship Play-Off Semi Final: As it happens, occasionally.

Don’t call it a comeback. This is far too underwhelming for that.

For those who can’t be doing with taking in a game of footballs on the far superior mediums of TV and internet streams and inexplicably preferred to read an incomptent blogger’s account instead.

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Cardiff 0 – 2 West Ham (Collison 8, 41)

21 47 Goodnight.

21 46 West Ham will be happy with that lead, though many will be quick to point out Allardyce’s previous play-off semi final failure as Blackpool manager, winning 2-0 away to Bradford in the first leg, they went on to lose 3-0. However, it should also be pointed out that Cardiff are adept at getting to things with the word ‘final’ in their name and then losing. Who will emerge victorious as history repeaters? The losers of the tie. I have confused myself.

21 44 Jack Collison gives a lispy post match interview with a haircut I’ve only just observed as resembling the stalk of a crap vegetable. James Tomkins has a very drained and distressed face; looks like he’s been given two black eyes twice. Rob Green conducts a conversation with himself in his own goalmouth.

21 43 FULL TIME Very little of any note happened in that final 5 minutes, very underwhelming period of play in an otherwise engaging 90 minutes.

21 39 Cardiff seem unaware of the concept or urgency, stroking it about in their own half for unnecessary amounts of time.

21 38 5 added minutes make this last minute seem far less momentous now. I feel silly.


21 36 One of the crowd is making an incredibly authentic ref whistle noise every now and then. Credit to the players for not being fooled, I have been.

21 35 Both teams crap at aerial raid balls, they’re running into their shelters instead of shooting them down with missiles.

21 33 Joe Mason misses yet another good half chance volley for Cardiff. Rob Green hasn’t had to touch anything all game, which is just as well as he has leprosy.

21 31 Cardiff defensively play the ball around their back four, their fans’ jeers reminding them that they’re losing and that this is an unwise tactical pursuit.

21 29 Some pleasing play from the Bluebirds, culminating in Gunnarson shanking wide. Liam Lawrence jumps up and down on the spot like Dick Dastardly in annoyance.

21 27 Cardiff seem unable to deal with anything in the air when it occurs over their penalty area. They would be rubbish at stopping a Blitzkrieg attack.

20 25 The pregnant headed Rob Earnshaw volleys wide from inside West Ham’s penalty area.

20 24 Aaron Gunnarson’s bullet throws are proving ineffective for the time being, failing to puncture the heads of the West Ham defenders

20 23 Matt Taylor delivers another, in Sky Sports’ words, ‘peach’ of a cross from the left. West Ham don’t want his peaches enough, which is understandable. If someone says ‘hey, do you want some peaches?’ and you say ‘yeah, sure!’ and then they kick them across some grass, you are rarely inclined to eat them.

20 22 It’s like it’s giving birth or something.

20 21 Don Cowie and Kenny Miller are replaced by Stephen McPhail and Bluebird’s favourite Rob Earnshaw. Interesting Earnshaw fact: he has a really bulbous head.

20 20 Cardiff go up the other end, in some play which results in Mark Hudson nodding marginally wide.

21 19 Matt Taylor whips in a succulent ball, but Kevin Nolan doesn’t finish his dinner, heading wide from inside the 6 yard box. He licks the post for comfort.

21 17 A West Ham free kick has David Marshall perform another unorthodox saving style, this time; this time the double handed karate wood chop.

21 16 Cardiff’s Joe Mason gives away a foul. He does a face like he’s begrudgingly accepting a spanking as punishment.

21 15 Lots of shots of particularly ugly members of the crowd now, perhaps marginally more aesthetically pleasing than the game.

21 13 A man with a high fibre diet’s dingle berries.

21 12 Both teams repeatedly giving the ball away now, playing football as attractive as dingle berries.

21 10 The ball bounces around in Cardiff’s area and David Marshall runs out to punch the ball away in a camp manner. Kevin Nolan takes offence at this and boots him, earning him a yellow card.

21 08 Kenny Miller has Cardiff’s best chance of the eve, chesting the ball superbly around the penalty spot, punting over the subsequent chance

21 07 Beatles hybrid George McCartney comes on to provide a solid rhythm guitar in place of vocalist Ricardo Vaz Te

21 05 Darcy Blake looks like he was drawn by Hanna Barbera

21 03 To be fair, the ref does seem a bit lame, I think Tomkins was merely reminding him of this loudly.

21 01 James Tomkins inexplicably starts on the referee, forgetting yer man has judicial ability in this game, earning himself a yellow card.

21 00 Carlton Cole heads off the line from a Cardiff corner

20 58 Kenny Miller breaks through on goal, deciding against shooting, tamely holding up the ball and giving it back to the Hammers instead.

20 57 Aaron Gunnarson does enjoy throwing things, one wonders how he would fare when entrusted with holding babies.

20 56 Rob Green drops the ball from a cross like a hot bitch

20 53 After the offside whistle blows, Cardiff fail to get the traditional needless conversion on target

20 51 Sky Sports “We rarely see a second half exactly the same as the first.” If this happens tonight, one needs’t only read the updates below of the first half twice to replicate the experience of the full game


20 47 Malky MacKay has a permanently tragic yet stoic look about him, as if nothing causes him more distress than managing, but its a responsibility that he must bear. It’s like the scene in Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror where the Prime Minister has to fuck a pig to stop terrorists. Exactly like that.

20 43 Sky Sports exhibit a fun compilation of what seems to be Sam Allardyce chewing and inhaling insects through his podgy mouth

20 39  Insightful correspondence now: “I would like West Ham to win as I support them” says Billy from London, “BLUEEEEEEEBIRDS” says @JohnCCFC. Fan opinion and contribution is what makes football the richly intellectually stimulating communal experience that it is.

20 37 Was that a half of football or wasn’t it? It was. Just in case you hadn’t realised.


20 35 Carlton Cole nearly ends the fixture 135 minutes early by nearly scoring from the edge of the box, but David Marshall prevents everyone from getting home on time by tipping the ball round the post. David Marshall likes making you late. He hopes you fall out with your family who thought you’d be home in time to tuck them in. Remember that.

20 34 Kevin Nolan gets away with a possible handball, though not for long, as Ben Turner promptly mows him down.

20 31 Sky Sports assert that Cardiff wouldn’t really like to go to Upton Park 2-0 down. They also add that Malky MacKay shits in the woods, which everyone already knew.

20 30 GOAL WEST HAM This time Collison is distracted by no unseen animals and twats the ball into a crowd of players in the Cardiff area, it ends up ricocheting into the net like a pinball fail.

20 28 Cardiff now flamboyantly playing as if they have a large lead

20 25 Following up his arse-clearance from earlier, footballing pioneer Whittingham attempts to score a goal by nearly booting James Tomkins’ face off.

20 23 Collison’s incompetence inspires the Bluebirds, who drive forward and force a failed penalty appeal when Liam Lawrence blunders over. Kenny Miller takes the outrageous decision to try a shot of some quality, which just goes wide.

20 22 Jack Collison lines up a long range pearler, but gets distracted by an invisible dog, which he decides to boot in the head instead.

20 20 Cardiff touch the ball for the sixth time of the evening

20 18 West Ham enjoying the feel of the football beneath their feet, sadly they’re not attempting to make this an enjoyable spectator experience by doing anything of note whilst in position.

20 15 Cardiff City seemed determined not to jeopardise their position as regular play off failures by doing something unprecedented, like playing well, subsequently winning and getting promoted. Expect more of the same next year.

20 12 Corner West Ham, Shilts’ housemate bangs on the door asking for his milk and in true professional pundit manner, Shilts stops paying attention to the game and tells aforementioned housemate to do one. Presumably nothing happened.

20 11 After Papiss Cisse’s innovative take on the screamer yesterday, Peter Whittingham puts his own spin on the quick free kick, booting it up his own teammate’s arse from 3 yards out.

20 09 Aaron Gunnarson keeps throwing the ball in rate far, but it’s currently entirely ineffective, like placebo. The band, not the drug.

20 07 West Ham are carving out shoddy chances like a child given his first swiss army knife and flailing it about everywhere. Cardiff’s defence are plywood in this metaphor.

20 05 Ricardo Vaz Te flops on the floor in Cardiff’s penalty area, nobody seems to care

20 01 Cardiff’s Aaron Gunnarson throws the ball into his box in the manner of someone who has just had his friend hand him a bag to hold unassumingly, only to find out the bag is full of urine. West Ham get it away, splattering piss everywhere in the process.

19 56 GOAL! West Ham’s traitorous Welshman Jack Collison bounces the ball off the floor, into David Marshall’s palm and then off his head into the net. Where integrated ballet appeared to give Cole little joy, basketball has seen the Hammers take the lead. Cardiff need to respond with their own mongrel version of football, equestrian perhaps.

19 54 Carlton Cole flicks the ball over his head, attempting to perform a pirouette as he does so. Unfortunately he fails, and falls over, meaning the entire move can be frowned upon from the perspective of both ballet and football enthusiasts.

19 52: Losing none of his original panache for the task, Shilts is 5 minutes late and has missed kick off. Everyone still appears to be playing football though, so I doubt I’ve missed anything.


One Response to Cardiff v West Ham; Championship Play-Off Semi Final: As it happens, occasionally.

  1. jess says:

    Interesting post and thanks for sharing. Some things in here I have not thought about before.Thanks for making such a cool post which is really very well written.will be referring a lot of friends about this.

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