FA Cup Final: Chelsea vs Liverpool – As it happened!(ish)

“For those who can’t be doing with taking in a game of footballs on the far superior mediums of TV and internet streams and inexplicably preferred to read an incomptent blogger’s account instead.”

Starting from half time. Obviously.

Chelsea (Ramires 11, Drogba 51) 2 – 1 (Carroll 63) Liverpool

FULL TIME

Chelsea win, Di Matteo makes his inevitable sacking more undeserved. Drogba gets bored during the post match interview and runs off. Liverpool’s league failures are made to seem even worse. My fingers ache. That is all for now.

96 mins: Glenn Johnson gets the ball in the Liverpool half, holding onto it for a few seconds patiently until he can pick out the perfect pass. The final whistle blows.

95 mins: The ball splutters about in the Liverpool half, Reina buffoonishly rushes out and Chelsea desperately try and score a long range goal with several pitiful long range attempts.

94 mins: Miracle Gerrard concedes a cynical foul on Drogba, Frankie Lamps tests Reina with the free kick.

93 mins: ‘Miracle’ Gerrard miraculously over hits a cross field pass which miraculously goes out for a miracle Chelsea goal kick.

92 mins: Tyldesley is willing Liverpool to equalise, they’re pumping balls into the box with no success, it’s like trying to spunk in a fly’s mouth.

90 mins: Andy ‘high standards’ Townsend gives the man of the match award to Juan Mata for (paraphrase) ‘playing well for 66% of the match’, as the Spaniard is substituted. It’s almost like he just made an arbitrary choice upon seeing Mata’s name being mentioned in an effort to seem insightful whilst not being obvious…

89 mins: Liverpool win some corners from other corners and finally end the loop by not scoring.

88 mins: The stage is set for Stevie ‘headline maker’ Gerrard. That stage is Wembley, the act is a free kick, the script has him punt the ball into the wall.

86 mins: Smoke.

85 mins: Tyldesley remembers to plug the final’s sponsors after nearly a full 90 mins, and does so with expert tactlessness. Shilts will not degrade himself with such commercialism by typing the name of said beer company on his Toshiba computer and posting it on his Virgin Media boosted internet site.

84 mins: Kenny Dalglish’s face looks like it was drawn in wet sand with a stick.

82 mins: Big moment. Carroll bonces in a header destined for the net, Cech dashes the ball into the underside of the crossbar and it’s cleared. Carroll celebrates but the linesman makes the correct call. BIG MOMENT. BIG. B.I.G. Notorious.

80 mins: Some lovely interplay results in Suarez cutting the ball back altogether too lamely, it dribbles out to Henderson, who spanks it over.

78 mins: Drogba is fine.

77 mins: Drogba hurts his every fragile testicles again, an injury which develops into a pain in his leg. Play is stopped whilst Chelsea’s physios have to begrudgingly play along with his charade once more, presumably pretending to remove his balls from his leg.

76 mins: Waiting to be substituted on for Ramires, Raul Meireles grabs his groin and thrusts it outwards on the sideline.

75 mins: Carroll manages to stay upright this time, nodding narrowly over. He shouts at the ref. Not sure why. Insight.

74 mins: Carroll goes for a header and flattens two defenders, like a graceless Acme anvil.

71 mins: Shilts’ companion claims that Suarez looks like Nigel Thornberry from the cartoon The Wild Thornberrys on account of his long nose and teeth. Shilts disagrees.

69 mins: The ball comes into the Chelsea area from the right, Carroll heads it backwards, the ball hangs in the air, the crowd roar, Steven Gerrard aims for the top corner. And twats it into the Thames.

67 mins: Suarez spins on the spot a la DBergkamp. I can’t be bothered to write Dennis.

66 mins: Buoyed by their goal, Liverpool realise that football is able to be won by scoring goals, an embark on a flurry of attempts at scoring one. Momentum scousers.

64 mins: GOAL! Chelsea dally on the ball, giving it to lanky pleb Andy Carroll, who scores from a very cute angle. Cuter than a kitten in a suit made of rainbows and Zooey Deschanel’s tears. One for the hipster kids.

63 mins: Juan Mata juggles the ball around then plays a backwards ball into Drogba who smashes the ball into the side of the goal.

61 mins: Suarez fouls Drogba in the Liverpool half, prompting referee Phil Dowd to squat his massive podgy frame down like he was laying an egg, which hatches into a foul.

60 mins: Liverpool look like they want to go home early; they’re pulling on their mother’s coat and saying ‘I’m bored mum, I want to go home, I need a wee.”

58 mins: Kalou gets into the left hand side of the Liverpool area and curls one wide to the right and then winces, probably because he trod on a tack or something.

56 mins: Clive Tyldesley talks about the ‘numerous sides and faces’ of Didier Drogba, presumably referring to the Ivorian’s two sides and one face.

54 mins: The ball goes up the other end and an extremely lacklustre clearance sees Liverpool effectively gently chip the ball into Drogba, who handballs and shanks it wide.

53 mins: Suarez smashes a ball in from the right into a sea of Chelsea shirts. They don’t like this and boot it away.

51 mins: GOAL! Didier Drogba scores in his 4th Wembley cup final, rifling one in at Pepe Reina’s bottom left hand corner. He then proceeds to do a celebration which starts like someone miming nipple discharge and then evolves into silly jumping dance where he looks like he’s trodden in an electrified puddle and regrets it.

49 mins: ITV cut to a shot of Kenny Dalglish standing in the Wembley technical areas, which look like a desolate car park. Unless Kenny Dalglish is in a desolate car park, in which case, excuse me Wembley architects.

48 mins: The teams are exchanging corners like Panini stickers that neither want. None come to any sort of fruition.

47 mins: Craig Bellamy punts his corner at the first man rubbishly. It’s probably because he looks like a character from Mummies Alive. Mummies can’t kick.

45 mins: And we’re off, broom broom, let’s drive to FA Cup final city. Are we there yet? Yes.

HALF TIME: Chelsea done went and scored an underwhelming goal, that’s all you need to know from the first half.

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