Euro 2012 Live(ish) Text: Germany vs Portugal

The next best thing for all those unfortunate not to be able to make it to the ground; experiencing it through someone else’s living room n text form.

Germany 1 -0 Portugal

Full Time: I quite enjoyed that. BBC pundits castigating Portugal for playing defensive football until they conceded, which I think is unfair. The second half was at least even throughout and Portugal had a bucket full of chances. Controversial opinion I know, but if you’re offended by that then you should hear what I have to say about abortion… It’s whatever your opinion is, because I avoid confrontation on important issues and just nod and politely agree. So don’t stay offended too long, you grudge holding grump.

Anyhow, we all know that game means nothing as ENGERLAND weren’t involved and as a kind of media outlet, I have to purport that I’m not interested unless they’re playing.

Why does Alan Shearer think that a good broadcasting method is shouting his opinions whilst staring at Jake Humphries neck?

95 mins: The players are fine to play now. Doesn’t matter, final whistle, waste of time/FULL TIME.

93 mins: It’s taken the entire game plus the 3 minutes of added injury time for a corner to be dangerous, with Bruno Alves heading narrowly over. He injures himself and Schweinsteiger in doing so, causing the match to be extended past the planned +3 mins of injury time.

92 mins: After a fairly uneventful 4 mins, Ronaldo gets down the left hand side, pulls a ball back to Nani who punts the ball into Badstuber’s back. Corner to Portugal, they’ve been great at these today…

88 mins: Huge chance for Portugal. Olivera is denied from close range by a supreme Neuer save after a ball is incompetently left to slowly roll along the penalty area until it reaches the Portuguese in space.

87 mins: Klose gets all his birthday digs in one (the tradition where you punch the lucky birthday friend in the arms in accordance with how old they are, obviously) from Pepe in the form of a meaty shoulder barge.

85 mins: Hummels heads behind yet another dangerous looking cross which develops into yet another fruitless corner. A crunch corner perhaps, with vanilla choco balls.

83 mins: Coentrão fires n a shot which is deflected out for another rubbish corner. Nani then whips in a cross which Neuer nonchalantly leaves. It promptly crashes into his crossbar.

82 mins: There have been many corners this game. None of them good, including that last one from Portgual.

80 mins: Mats (no sic, its Mats, not Matt, so fuck off.)  Hummels mistakenly produces some Ronaldinho compilation video worthy tekkers, beating a few players before a foul is given against him.

79 mins: Now Klose gets his birthday wish, replacing goalscorer Mario Gomez. He is given the gift of patriotic pride, representing his national team at the highest level, rather than the Topman vouchers he actually wanted.

76 mins: Gomez has another chance to score, nearly meeting a low driven cross with his sliding leg, however he is too late and rather than adding goals to the scoreboard, he just adds mud to his arse.

75 mins: The ball is pinging up both ends like a really convulted game of ping pong. That was a professional different sport comparison there. That’s why nobody is paying me for it…

73 mins: Birthday boy Klose was about to replace Gomez, but is told to sit back down. He gives a thumbs up, but I can tell he#s crying inside, drowning his organs with tears.

72 mins: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! Mario Gomez scores a great headed effort, nodding the ball across the goalmouth after a really good Schweinsteiger’ cross. I’ve thrown up my insides.

71 mins: The crowd are still singing this chant. I am bored by it, both in terms of it’s content, and by the fact they’re just singing it on a loop like an irritating 10 hour long internet video.

69 mins: Boateng is booked for grasping CRon’s shoulders, trying an illegal leap frog manoeuvre there.

68 mins: The crowd seem to be singing an incredibly complex yet utterly boring (in terms of the melody) chant.

67 mins: The parp of the ref’s whistle signals yet another foul. Parp. Foul. Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul. Parp. Foul. This is the pattern of the game so far. It’s a horrible pattern and doesn’t suit you sir, keep the receipt.

65 mins: Keine Ziele Erlaubt!

64 mins: CRonaldo has a blocked expertly by Boateng, he morphs into the shape of a block with the words ‘no goals allowed’ written on it. In German.

63 mins: Raul Meireles semi accidentally punches Muller in the face in a scrap for the ball, then hugs his German counterpart. Ineffective wrestling move that one.

60 mins: I could see the content of the text in his eyes. Fábio Coentrão gets booked for a savage challenge.

59 mins: Crowd shot of Jose Mourinho getting a chain text about a girl with brain cancer. He laughs.

58 mins: Nasty challenge by Khedira on Moutinho, which he slinks away from, slowly slinking his way down stairs with his metallic spring mechanism.

57 mins: Podolski atones with a tremendous cross onto Gomez’s bonce. It bonces over though.

56 mins: Ozil plays another magical reverse pass into the box, but Podolski enthusiastically runs it out of play like a stupid dog.

54 mins: A ball is swung in and it bounces off Boateng’s balls. Neuer looks to gather it, but dodes so far too lackadaisically and it’s a Portuguese corner. Which comes to nothing.

52 mins: Boateng has the ball by the touchline in his own half, near his own corner flag, and inexplicably tries a backheel which predictably goes out for a throw in to Portugal. Absolutely shit.

51 mins: BUT the ball goes up the other end and Postiga is punished for pulling Khedira’s arm back. That’s exciting right! Right?

49 mins: CRon gets around Boateng using his skills, but once again Hummels heads behind for a corner, like a magnet. Except a shit magnet that doesn’t attach things to itself, but lets them fall off for corners. THE BILE RETURNS! But the corner is poor.

48 mins: The corner is punched away, the Portuguese come back and CRon puts an effort straight into Neuer’s hands. I’ve been sick and the excitement has subsided somewhat.

47 mins: Nani goes round Lahm, puts in a cross to the near post, but Mats Hummels produces a diving header behind for a corner. I’M SO EXCITED I WANT TO BE SICK!

46 mins: Second half is underway, and Germany respond to the first half’s dullness with a flurry of decent chances one after the other. WE SO EXCITED NOW.

Half Time: Despite missing most of that half, I can conclude that that was boring. But as a (sort of) broadcaster, I encourage you to stick with me! For why, I cannot say. Just do it. Please.

45 mins: Pepe smashes a shoot against the underside of the bar from a corner, it bounces off the line and immediately THE DEBATE ABOUT GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY IS REIGNITED AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, TALKING POINT! Except the officials have got it right and no goal line technology is needed and Guy Mowbray can shut the fuck up.

43 mins: German fans are warned over the tannoy about throwing stuff about, mainly at Cristiano Ronaldo and therefore, by extension, the entire team. This only seems to give those who weren’t already throwing stuff the idea to throw stuff and more stuff is thrown.

42 mins: Badstuber gets a yellow for trying to smash Nani’s heels in with his boot. Poor heel smashing technique and Nani retains its heels.

41 mins: Portugal go up the other end and bosh one into the hoardings.

40 mins: Also it’s still 0-0. I return to see Thomas Muller rake one wide from a decent angle. A good shot of German’s looking ruffled follows.

39 mins: THE CURRY IS NOT BURNT. I REPEAT, THE CURRY IS NOT BURNT.

31 mins: Podolksi hasn’t scored though, he booted a decent effort into a fella in the top tiers face. BRB.

29 mins: Shilts has to professionally take a break to tend to a curry that he didn’t make and has been forced upon him. It might possibly burn, one of the teams might score, you’ll find out shortly.

26 mins: The two teams are scrapping like the Wombles in the aftermath of a natural disaster. Quite entertaining.

24 mins: Germany’s subsequent freekick is crap.

22 mins: Disallowed goal! Less exciting than it sounds. Khediara is fouled by a gentle caressing kick in the goolies from a stray boot in a challenge. The foot caressing doesn’t prevent him for putting a reverse pass into the box, which Gomez obligingly finishes, almost 30 seconds after the whistle had blatantly gone.

20 mins: My experience of this game has so far been that of close up crowd shots featuring fans noticing themselves on TV and gurning excitedly.

17 mins: The team exclusively made up of Cristiano Ronaldo jinks into the box and attempts to pass. Unfortunately for Ronaldo, being the sole Portuguese player and passer of the ball means that he also couldn’t quite get on the other end.

15 mins: WordPress informs me that this is my 100th post. Yay. I feel like I’ve thrown many pebbles in the internet sea and that the ripples have at best splashed at the ankles of a toddler and perhaps knocked him over. Good.

13 mins: Lawro talks about how tight the pitch is. He has a point, Mats Hummels is currently caught between the advertising hoardings from either side of the stadium, officials are currently freeing him.

11 mins: Helder Postiga is booked after a challenge on Manuel Neuer, seeing the German keeper going over somewhat theatrically and causing Mark Lawrenson to go into his obligatory masturbatory volley of snide sarcastic comments about diving. Let ’em here you Lawro.

10 mins: Mario Gomez creates the most exciting moment of the match, forcing a parry from Rui Patricio with a teasing effort after a low ball was rifled in.  

8 mins: If BBC ‘s billing of this game as Germany vs Cristiano Ronaldo is to be believed, the mercurial son buyer will have a tough time playing all 11 men on his own.

7 mins: Obviously Shilts starts this edition of live Group B international super hybole soccer 7 minutes late.

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