Theo Walcott missing, presumed cold

The day was Sunday the 19th of December, the weather was snowy and Theo Walcott’s mother needed some casserole mix from the local Spar. Rather than trying to brave the icy conditions herself, she sent out her son, believing his lighting running speed could melt the snow in its wake, Billy Whizz-style.

Unfortunately, seven hours later and little Theo still hasn’t returned with eyewitness accounts saying that he ran head first into a particularly large mound of snow, hoping to burst through to the other side, and did not reappear.

Walcott’s mum began to worry around 2 o’clock and rang the local authorities, asking for the help in retrieving little Theo.

“No point,” she was told bluntly by one officer. “He’s probably become encapsulated in a block of ice and floated off to the Shetland Isles. He’ll wake up in the future and there’ll be loads of robots and lasers and Patrick Kielty will probably be dead by then. Don’t you want your son to live in that kind of future?” After contemplating, Mrs Walcott had to agree that this sounded like a far better world for her son and called off the search.

Last known image of Walcott

There is speculation that Arsene Wenger, alarmed by Walcott’s lack of improvement comparative to his ageing and unwilling to surrender the excuse “he’s still young and learning” after a bad performance from the striker has orchestrated the whole scheme himself, wanting to keep Walcott permanently young as part of Arsenal’s new youth policy. Rumours say he had Walcott cryogenically frozen then impersonated an officer of the law over the telephone to his mother. He is also rumoured to be lining up similar treatment for Johann Djourou, Abou Diaby and Jens Lehmann.

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Rio Ferdinand Hospitalised With Fresh Injury

Rio Ferdinand has been admitted to the casualty ward in a Manchester hospital after a prank or a ‘merking’ carried out by his team mates has gone horribly wrong.

So often the prankster or ‘merker’ himself, Rio became a victim after the prolonged period he spent injured allowed his team mates, allegedly lead by Park Ji Sung, to all change their names to ‘Betfair’ in order to bewilder the United captain.

This worked almost too perfectly, as it sent Rio into a confused state whereby he wedged 42 crayons up his nose and ran head first into a steel door, rendering himself unconscious.

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson was said to be incensed but also admitted ‘aye, it wor propa funny though, he wen’ an’ banged hezz head on t’wall! Wor’a eejit. Aye’d play John O’Shea every week teh see tha’ again.’

This fresh injury is likely to put Ferdinand out for up to six weeks, a time which he will us wisely to finish his ‘Playdays’ stickerbook, a project and labour of love that he has been working on since he was just 15 years old.

EXCLUSIVE: Why Martin Jol Snubbed Fulham

After the departure of Roy Hodgson to Liverpool, Fulham have been frantically on the hunt for a new gaffer, with the new season starting in less than a month. Former Tottenham boss Martin Jol, who is currently managing Ajax, appeared to fit the bill and he was expected to sign with the Cottagers in the next few days.

However, it has now become apparent that the move for Jol will not materialise, with the Dutchman indicating that he wants to stay with de Godenzonen. Shilts caught up with Martin* to find out why, and can now exclusively reveal** why Jol has snubbed a move to West London after looking so likely to complete one:

“The main factor was because of my head’s uncanny resemblance to a potato,” he admits, looking visibly upset. “I didn’t think it would be a factor at all, but I was wrong.”

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“The first abuse occurred whilst I was walking past a cinema on Fulham Road which was screening their first showing of ‘Toy Story 3’. Several children mistook me for a man dressed as Mr. Potato Head and requested that they have pictures taken with me. This process took over three hours, as everyone in the queue wanted one, and was repeated ten minutes later when I foolishly walked passed another cinema in Leicester Square without thinking.

“I then had to go past the original cinema to get to Craven Cottage, and, as I had already been made 5 hours late for my meeting with Fulham’s directors, I refused any pictures and tried to walk past. My refusal made numerous children cry and one parent was so angry at this she hit me full force over the head with an umbrella, rendering me unconscious for another four hours. I woke up in Accident and Emergency who demanded that I had to stay the night there.

“This meant I arrived at my meeting with the directors one day and three hours late. Amazingly, the directors had not left, however Mohamed Al-Fayed demanded that I “remove that ridiculous costume” when I walked in. I tried reasoning with him that I was not wearing a costume and that it was just my head’s unfortunate potato-y shape and starchy appearance, but he was having none of it. After trying to explain for an hour, I gave up and left. On my way out I head Mr. Al-Fayed say to one of his directors “where is this Martin Jol, he is a day and four hours late.” They could still be waiting for all I know.

“I then went to McDonalds to get a double cheeseburger to calm my nerves. Instead of complying with my request, the employee tutted, remarked “how did you get out here?” then grabbed me by my head and submerged it in the deep fryer for several minutes, then lightly salted it and served me to a customer.

“The final insult came when the customer bit me, proclaimed that I tasted ‘awful’ and spent over two hours complaining to the manager about my taste. At this point I snapped and pushed over the straw holder in rage. My yells that I was a real person were met with a shrug, and the customer continued to complain.

“At the end of the day, whilst I did get repeatedly accosted for my appearance, I also bought some nice ornaments for my garden, including this one hilarious gnome on a surfboard, so overall it was a successful trip.”

*(N.B. Replace sentence with ‘saw the back of Martin’s from a distance. Although it could have been John Malkovich.’)

**(N.B. Replace ‘reveal’ with ‘guess’)

Ashley Cole Causes Full Scale Ruckus At Sol Campbell’s Wedding

It is a rare day goes when there are no news stories featuring Ashley Cole in a negative light. This is not one of them.

Cole was routinely booed whilst turning up to attend the wedding of former Arsenal teammate Sol Campbell by members of the public in Corbridge, where the wedding was held, who were trying to catch a glimpse of the wedding’s famous attendees, which included Rio Ferdinand, David Seaman and Ainsley Harriott.

One wedding guest insider exclusively revealed to Shilts some of the goings on you wont read about anywhere else*: “Ainsley was leading the boos, pelting him with Fairy Liquid and some of his own range of soups whilst doing a piece to camera about how the combination of the two is clinically effective in severely scalding a man’s face. He’s looking for a move into the lucrative torture products market I hear.”

If Ashley thought the worst of his afternoon was over, he was rather mistaken. “The crowd started to chant ‘Judas!’ and this completely disrupted the wedding. Sol thought the chant was being directed at him and it took over 20 minutes for the priest to explain that the chant was rather at Ashley’s expense.”

“The boos died down for a bit and Ashley might have thought that it was over, then he made the unwise decision of pocketing all the money from the church collection plate and at this point the guests turned violent.

“They formed a mob and had him encapsulated alive in a stained glass window, depicting Judas’ betrayal of Jesus and even included the images of Jose Mourinho as the devil and a hurt looking Arsene Wenger to make it more topical.”

Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti will be hoping that the Corbridge parish council give him permission to have the stained glass window removed in order to have Cole fit and ready for the start of the new season. However, he has been informed that this it will be a lengthy process that could take weeks, even months. Questions will also be raised about Cole’s match fitness and health after being encased in glass for such a period of time and this has certainly dealt the Blues’ season an early blow.

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(Stained glass window pictured above, notice Cole looking visibly annoyed and distraught to be enveloped in glass.)

*(N.B. Mainly because the wedding guest was probably lying. She did seem a bit mental.)

Fabio Explains His ‘Capello Index’ U-Turn

After a spectacular piece of PR incompetence, the ‘Capello Index’, a website which rates players out of 100 based on certain criteria, has been denounced by Fabio Capello himself, who says he gave “no permission” for it to be published.

It has proved particularly controversial because the only England international ranked within the top 100 is Steven Gerrard, who only comes in at a meagre 65th place. One ‘senior international’ has even allegedly called for Capello to be sacked as a result.

The website, which has already been roundly criticized, leading to it being postponed until after the World Cup, looks to be on it’s last legs as Capello moves to have it closed down. But why has the Italian, who had clearly previously given permission for the site to be created, made such a u-turn? Shilts caught up* with Don Fabio to find out:

“It was all a-big a-mix up,” he explained. “My people a-got a-the wrong website a-name completely. I think it’s a-because of a-my accent. Those-a clowns. I am a-working on a-several other websites which I a-wanted published instead which all a-sound sort of a-like ‘Capello Index’. I don’t even-a know what a Capello Index is. It a-sounds crap.”

What are these similar sounding websites which should have been put onto the web instead? Capello talks us through:

Capello Bin-Checks:

“This would have a-been a-my blog where I a-post my findings from a-looking through a-people’s bins under a-the cover of darkness. A favourite a-pastime of mine. I a-find some great stuff. Bicycle’s, ironing a-boards, a-documents with a-people’s a-personal details on them, dead a-pets, the Shroud of a-Turin, Michelangelo’s a-David and Stephen Warnock.”

All Capellos On Decks:

“My sailing website where I a-chronicle my a-nautical expeditions. There was a-this one time where me and a-Darren Bent went sailing all a-the way to a-Yemen and when he wasn’t a-looking, I pushed him over board! Hilarious a-times. I thought he was dead! It turns out that he a-swam to safety, which was annoying because it a-meant that everyone still put a-pressure on me to pick him in a-my World Cup squad.”

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Capello Havin’ Sex:

“A adult a-website where I post a the videos of me and a-my wife, and sometimes supermodels, and sometimes the David Beckhams, making the a-sweet, sweet rumpy a-pumpy. Most of it is a-very tasteful but if you are a premium a-member, you can a-get some exclusive a-content involving tasteless, raunchy and a-dirty objects like the kebab skewers, electrical appliances such as a-the kettle and Stuart Pearce.”

There you have it. Three groundbreaking websites to look forward to coming soon to an internet near you.

*(Imagined a conversation with)

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Luka Modric Exposed As Lady Gaga’s New Persona

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PhotobucketLady Gaga is renowned all over the globe for her outrageous, outré and eccentric personas and costumes; the human lampshade, the human windscreen wiper, the human man and so on, but her latest reincarnation appears to have topped the lot. A source has revealed to Perez Shilton that she has been masquerading as a tenacious Croatian playmaker, plying their trade at Tottenham Hotspur and going under the moniker of ‘Luka Modric’.

“It is her most brilliant character yet,” claims illustrious hipster critic Jonathan T. Bellend. “Gaga continues to push the boundaries on her quest to expose the universal truths of love, morality and sexual desire by occasionally setting up Jermaine Defoe with some nifty passes. She really is a genius.”

Like a true performing artist, Gaga has really thrown herself into her Modric guise, aiding Spurs’ cause with seven goals in all competitions, earning a place in Slaven Bilic’s Croatia squad and even breaking her leg for four months to “examine what it means to be human through the common experience of being unavailable for Carling Cup matches” explains T. Bellend.

Musicians making appearances in football is by no means a new phenomenon. Eagle eyed fans will have spotted A-Ha frontman Morten Harket turning out for Macclesfield Town and Juventus whilst David Bowie effectively disguised himself as former Trinidadian goalkeeper Clayton Ince for six years as part of his ‘Crewe Alexandra’ era.

PhotobucketZidane’s Tips and Fiddles

When house hunting, always ask the estate agent if there are any known security issues with the houses you visit (e.g. broken locks, flimsy windows, faulty alarms, underground passages etc.).  If he says yes, ask him to show you them, take note of their weaknesses and how they can be exploited, then come back later and burgle away!

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Likely To Be Unsuccessful Novelty Football T-Shirt Venture

PhotobucketShilts’ first foray into the world of t-shirt selling out of the back of his van was somewhat hampered by his lack of vital tools such as a van or any t-shirts.

As a result, Shilts has now decided to allow the internet to aid him in his latest entrepreneurial venture and, along with his erstwhile colleague, guerrilla art nob Gordon Banksy, and set up Shilts’ Shirts Stall, selling all of the footballing slogan tees nobody wants to wear.

http://perezshilton.spreadshirt.net/en/GB/Shop/Index/index

His first effort is inspired by the permanently crocked Michael Owen and looks like this:

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So go ahead, buy it. You may not regret it.*

*Absolutely no guarantee.

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