Transfer Deadline Day Live!(ish)

PhotobucketAs has become the norm, every deadline day Perez Shilton hands over blog duties to resident transfer expert Little Johnny who, as is the norm, chooses to report over increasingly unconventional hours. This time; from 15:45 to whenever he gets bored

15.45: Liverpool set to offer £35 million, Steven Gerrard’s limbs and Anfield in order to secure the services of Andy Carroll. Bit of a gamble.

15.49: My mate has just seen Edgar Davids get on the wrong bus after forgetting his glasses. He’s now travelling to Staines, maybe a move’s on the cards?

15.54: My uncle owns a kebab shop in Hereford and swears that Fernando Torres just came in and ordered a lamb doner. Then was sick everywhere.

16.16: Sorry for the delay, I saw something shiny and chased after it. I spoke to Harry Redknapp re Carroll’s transfer and he said: “£35 mil? Do you know how many times I could buy Pascal Chimbonda for that? Once. Then I’d sell him.”

16.19: Just seen Richard Dunne sheepishly enter an adult bookstore in Doncaster, then run out again crying.

16.22: Kevin Nolan is annoyed by Carroll’s departure as it means Shoala Ameobi now has to read to his kids instead. Shoala can’t read.

16.25: Arsene Wenger looks to continue his trend of signing shit French centre backs with his desperate pursuit of Jean Alain Boumsong. On mopeds.

16.33: This has been sent in by my mate Craig: “Ello jon, cn u come out l8r? plus i just saw michael essien in a park pleasuring himself”. After selling Andy Carroll, Newcastle will be looking to replenish their quota of players with criminal records, as is their tradition.

16.35: Avid reader Phil has sent in this: “Just seen Franny Jeffers in a sombrero! He looked well silly!” Thanks Phil…

16.39: My other uncle, a taxi driver (he exists I tell you!), apparently has Fernando Torres in the back and has been trying to find Stamford Bridge for 4 hours and has ended up at a Redditch motorway service station.

16.42: Tottenham have signed veteran striker Rod Stewart on a two year deal.

16.45: More news on the Fernando Torres taxi saga; they’re currently pulled in at a lay by as a head gaskett has blown. Nando’s happily munching on Hobknobs though.

16.48: Bad luck Birmingham, new loan signing Obafemi Martins has apparently failed a medical due to being ‘dead for at least 3 years.’

16.52: Sir Alex Ferguson is having considerable difficulty acquiring Charlie Adam as he is in the middle of a twenty five minute coughing fit on the phone after choking on a Ginsters.

16.57: Gary Neville has apparently shot down a rare bird with a bb gun over Kilmarnock and is now facing a court case with the RSPCA.

17.00: The time has come when Little Johnny has become bored. He is currently jamming Playdough up his nose, but wants to leave you with a few predictions of transfers to come later on; “Furious bidding war to escalate over John Aldridge. You can bet yo’ ass.” For legal reasons, Perez Shilton advises you not to bet your anus.

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The Definitive Transfer Deadline Day Live Text and Round-up – August 31st 2010

Shilts is back after a week on holiday in Paris. It was enjoyable up until this bald prick fined him 40 Euros for not having a ticket on a train as Shilts tried to buy one off him, rendering the whole trip crap.
Photobucket
Anyhow, on to today’s blog which comes under the purview of Perez Shilton’s beady eyed junior transfer gossip expert, Little Johnny.  That’s right those who have read the title, it’s only The Definitive Transfer Deadline Day Round-up for August 31st 2010!

Little Johnny has been reading the back pages of the tabloids all morning, just for you, an achievement made all the more impressive by the fact that he can’t read. He has also got the numbers of 493 bollocks talking agents, journos and people who claim their relatives work for a football club and plans to ring them all repeatedly throughout the day, provided he gets permission off his mum first. All this to bring you news of football’s most consistently disappointingly overrated and not in any way exciting day in the calender, with devastating inaccuracy.

Get involved yourself via the comment section, Twitter, fax or carrier pigeon.

11.41: Little Johnny understands that Aussie Arsenal target and current Fulham goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer is to pack in the game to focus on his life’s work of covering himself in vegemite and loudly playing his didgeridoo in the ears of people in intensive care wards. No move North London-wards for him then.

11.46: Ade ‘Panicbuyi’ Akinbiyi to be bought by Birmingham, with manager Alex McCleish apparently going mental and buying anyone whose name he recognises from Football Manager.

11.48: Ade Akinbiyi has failed a medical at Birmingham, looks set to join Wigan though.

11.50: Ade’s similar sounding name triggers the memory of Emmanuel Adebayor in Alex McCleish’s mind, who he is now on the phone desperately trying to sign.

11.55: Kaka has been spotted at Blackpool Tower. Though he’s not planning on signing for the Tangerines, just eating a Mr Whippy apparently.

11.58: Wigan have signed Ade Akinbiyi. Elsewhere Spurs have lost out on yet another striker they were interested in with Fat Ronaldo signing for Dagenham and Redbridge.

12.04: This entry comes from a fellow named Mark via post: “Hello Perez Shilton, I am currently on holiday in Brighton and I can see someone who looks like the absolute spit of Xavi riding the dodgems. At first I thought he might be signing for the Seagulls, but it turned out it wasn’t actually him.” Thanks Mark. Useful stuff.

12.07: Arsene Wenger is reportedly weighing up the possibility of bringing Neville Southall to the club, according to myself.

12.12: With so many clubs vying for his signature, Robbie Keane has had a nervous breakdown and is rocking back and forth in a corner at White Hart Lane not knowing who to sign for and weeping the tune to ‘Danny Boy’.

12.22: Off for luncheon. Be back soon. It’s ravioli for any of you lunch fans out there.

12.38: Back. The ravioli hasn’t gone down well. In more transfer related news, Ade Akinbiyi has been sold by Wigan to Nottingham Forest.

12.45: Bolton boss Owen Coyle has had a mare after his fax machine malfunctioned & accidentally bid for every player in the country.

12.55: My sources tell me that Sergio Aguero is currently eating a lamp hotpot. Could this mean a move to Blackburn is on the cards?

12.58: Liverpool gaffer on a shoestring budget Roy Hodgson is having to scrape the barrel, allegedly planning to sign fictional Dream Team striker Karl Fletcher. This is all the more barrel scrape-y as fans of the show will know that Fletcher was killed after being impaled on a peg in series 8.

13.12: My mate’s granddad is Chris Hugton’s mistress and he says Newcastle are trying to sign all the Ameobi and Sodje bros and have them fight.

13.15: Ade Akinbiyi has been sold on from Nottingham Forest to Scunthorpe.

13.19: A trusty cab driver has told me he heard what he was sure was Mesut Ozil being sick in West Ham’s training ground bins as he drove past.

13.30: A dream move nearly materialises for Blackpool, but wonderkid Sergio Aguero misses his medical after falling down an open manhole cover.

13.43: Text from a man claiming to be called Neville Neville: “Hi Shilts, my son is Gary Neville. Not Phil Neville, his daddy was Jaap Stam.” Thanks Neville, there’s little relevance for that but ah well, it’s a slow day.

13.48: Benni McCarthy’s proposed move to Stoke is in jeopardy after he wandered off looking for a good kebab takeout in the area.

13.59: Robbie Keane has been seen wandering aimlessly on the M4 looking frightened and wanting to go home.

14.21: Things more interesting than this deadline day: golf, sand, a rock that a pigeon has excreted on, Bill Oddie’s pubic hair and guttering.

14.30: Marlon King was set for a sensational return to football at West Ham, until he commandeered a minibus full of nuns and crashed it into a Co-op.

14.51: Ade Akinbiyi has been sold on from Scunthorpe to Burton Albion.

14.58: Spurs miss out on yet another striker target as Carlton Cole ‘can’t be bothered’ to walk down to White Hart Lane.

15.02: Ryan Babel’s helicopter seen giving a family a guided air tour around the Cleethorpes area.

15.19: My friend Deano says he just saw Kevin Davies in a Norwich cafe, elbowing a widow.

15.39: Mikael Silvestre has applied for the vacant catering role at Manchester United, another season at Old Trafford for him then.

15.56: Ade Akinbiyi has left Burton Albion and has been transferred to Gretna for an undisclosed fee.

16.17: Some more stuff happens, and then some more stuff and then everyone stopped caring because the stuff that was happening wasn’t good stuff.

16.29: Charles N’Zogbia has tripped over and got his shoelace stuck in an escalator on his way to sign for Fulham.

16.41: Spurs miss out on another player, with Scott Parker becoming ‘too sunburnt to move’ in a deckchair in Skegness.

16.55: Robinho to Milan! Milan Mandaric that is, not the club. Reportedly, the Serb is going to use him as a chauffeur.

17.00: Blimey, five o’clock already, how time flies when you’re constantly watching it, hoping, praying for some sort of interesting news and not getting any. Oh yes it does, oh yes.

17.04: Via Twitter: @RyanBabel: “I’m going no where….” Possibly the most interesting news all day. Cheers Ryan.

17.10: Just seen Paul Konchesky in Homebase trying to buy a shagpile carpet, but not having the required funds. Says he’ll be back later.

17.18: Jim Fitzpardle has just been invented by Little Johnny to please rumour mongers and has immediately been linked to Manchester City, Tottenham Hotspur and Rushden & Diamonds.

17.19: Jim Fitzpardle to Liverpool is the latest I’m hearing.

17.20: Fitzpardle to Arsenal. Apparently he’s ‘not as shit as Fabianksi’ in goals, despite having deformed child size hands.

17.21: Clubs across the country have gone Fitzpardle mad, with Stoke, Birmingham, Bolton and West Brom all vying for his signature.

17.22: Everything has gone quiet on the Fitzpardle front for the minute. Will bring you news when I can.

17.23: A host of Europe’s top clubs have joined the race for Fitzpardle including Inter, Real Madrid, Ajax and FC St Pauli.

17.24: Fitzpardle is now rumoured to have been kidnapped by Sir Alex Ferguson and kept in the boot of his Saab.

17.26: Tragedy has struck Jim Fitzpardle as the pedalo he was in has sunk in a pond in Haversham. He has been airlifted from the scene.

17.30: Medics are saying that he will ‘never play football at any standard above mediocre again’. Rafa Benitez rumoured to still be interested.

17.36: Mick McCarthy has reportedly lost out on over seventy transfer deals today after offending players with his pronunciation of their names. Surprisingly these players include David Dunn and Alan Smith.

17.41: Harry Redknapp has failed to sign Jim Fitzpardle, who has retired from football to try his hand at dogging.

17.50: LAST TEN MINUTES OF THE TRANSFER WINDOW BONANZA!

17.51: Nothing’s happened.

17.52: Nothing’s happened.

17.53: Nothing’s happened.

17.54: Nothing’s happened.

17.55: Nothing’s happened.

17.56: Nothing’s happened.

17.57: Nothing’s happened.

17.58: Nothing’s happened.

17.59: With only a minute left of the transfer window Harry ‘don’t call me a facking wheeler dealer’ Redknapp has tabled bids for 320 strikers. They have all been rejected. Including one for Ade Akinbiyi, who choose to join the Blockbuster staff in Rotherham instead.

18.00 TRANSFER WINDOW IS SHUT: Conclusion: Nothing happened.

Milner On His Way To Man City + Possible Balotelli, Huntelaar, Maicon, Khedira & Honda Deals

Little Johnny’s Twenty Four Seven Transfer Window Tip Offs
Photobucket Perez Shilton’s resident toddler transfer expert, Little Johnny, whose knowledge extends to being able to play FIFA 10 on Legendary difficulty, gives us his take on the day’s transfer news:

Friday 23rd July:

PRETTY MUCH A FOREGONE CONCLUSION DEALS:

James Milner to Manchester City from Aston Villa for an estimated fee of £24 million:

Milner, a revelation for Villa last season, has decided that he wants to change the words ‘revelation’ to ‘bit part squad member’, ‘Villa’ to ‘Manchester City’ and ‘last season’ to ‘for a few seasons, until he is finally sold to Bolton with his career in tatters’.

According to Villa boss Martin O’Neill, Milner had told him prior to leaving for England World Cup international duty that he wanted to leave and refused to discuss the possibility of a new deal. Milner has come out strongly to deny these claims, saying that they portray him in a bad light, that he would never say such things, whilst also at the same time indicating that he wants to leave and will not discuss the possibility of a new deal.

This paves the way for the midfielder’s passage to City, provided that City, with their attention span equal to that of a toddler with ADHD, don’t get bored and instead go and sign the next player that Roberto Mancini scouts on Football Manager.

RUMOURED DEALS

Mario Balotelli to Manchester City from Inter Milan for a fee of £25-30 million:

Inter Milan have confirmed there has been dialogue between themselves and City over the striker’s transfer. Little Johnny has heard that City have drafted in legendary screenwriter and director Quentin Tarantino to write the ‘dialogue’, however Tarantino has only so far been able to write City’s lines; “Oh, hi Inter, can we have Balotelli please?” which City are understandably rather disappointed with.

Johnny’s Verdict:Depending on what Tarantino writes next for Inter Milan depends on the outcome of the transfer. If, on the evidence of the quality of his lines for City, he lazily writes the response as “yeah, sure, that should be fine” then expect to see Balotelli in Eastlands. However, if he reverts to his old masterful ways, the response may go more along the lines of “does your business associate Rafa Benitez look like a bitch?” and negotiations might not run quite so smoothly.”

Klaas Jan Huntelaar to Liverpool from AC Milan on loan:

Instead of taking the Rafa Benitez tactic of immediately signing a player just because you’ve heard of him, only to find out that the player was average at best and that now Liverpool are either lumbered with him or have to sell at a loss, new gaffer Roy Hodgson appears to be taking a shrewder approach by trying to secure the Dutchman, who has reportedly been told by Rossoneri president Adriano Galliani that he has no future at the club, on a season long loan.

This should minimize the potential damage should Huntelaar prove to be a flop, as he has been during his stays at Real Madrid and Milan after his impressive early Eredivisie career.

Johnny’s Verdict:In their current financial state, Liverpool have to be more frugal than Kerry Katona shoplifting in Iceland, so a loan deal makes sense. However, Milan would probably prefer to recoup some of the €15 million they paid for him, so I’d say it depends on their receiving of any other offers.”

Maicon and Sami Khedira to Real Madrid from Inter Milan and Stuggart for a fee of £29 million and undisclosed respectively:

Maicon and the lovechild of Milan Baros, Yossi Benayoun and Sinbad the Sailor, Sami Khedira, have both released statements which essentially say “I would like to go to Real Madrid.”

Johnny’s Verdict: “If this approach works and both of these players get deals at Madrid, Little Johnny would like to use this opportunity to also say that I would like to move to Real Madrid. I have loads of skills like colouring in, growing ability at potty training and can dribble (on myself) like a pro.”

HUGE TIP-OFF OF THE DAY:

Johnny says:Jet Li to be racistly confused with Keisuke Honda by Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce and offered a three year deal.”

That’s it for today’s transfers. Feel free to send in your own gossip via the comments section below.

Titus Bramble Set For Sunderland + Possible Raul, Ramires and Fabregas Deals

Little Johnny’s Twenty Four Seven Transfer Window Tip Offs

PhotobucketPerez Shilton’s resident toddler transfer expert, Little Johnny, whose knowledge extends to having once looked at a picture of Lomana Lualua, gives us his take on the day’s transfer news:

Wednesday 21st July:

(PROBABLY) CONFIRMED DEALS:

Titus Bramble to Sunderland from Wigan for an estimated fee of £1 million:

During his stay at Newcastle, Bramble’s name became almost synonymous and interchangeable with the word ‘awful’ as in the phrase “that player is really Titus Bramble”, commonly used by fans, scouts, pundits and even once by Nelson Mandela in a speech decrying apartheid as “Titus Bramble”.

Somewhat miraculously, he has been able to salvage a great deal of this reputation at Wigan, even being awarded the Lactic’s ‘Player of the Year’ and ‘Player’s Player of the Year’ in the 2008/09 season. Bramble put his renewed success down to the faith then Wigan, and now Sunderland, boss Steve Bruce had in him and this relationship is seen as one of the key reasons for this move, which is still subject to a medical.

Sunderland will be thanking Bramble’s ever changing fortunes as they saw the £5 million fee reported just yesterday plummet spectacularly to £1 million. Little Johnny caught up with Wigan boss Roberto Martinez who revealed that this dramatic fall in stock has come about due to Martinez’s need for a hasty sale, after witnessing “one of the worst training sessions I have ever seen. He managed to injure half of the first team, score a dozen own goals, permanently paralyze three ball boys from the waist down and breach several animal rights acts, which have resulted in a lawsuit from the RSPCA, all in under an hour. The Sunderland scout was on his way to watch him train so I had to hastily agree to everything before he got to the training ground. In the end, I think we’ve come out the better off.”

RUMOURED DEALS

Raul to Newcastle or Tottenham from Real Madrid on a free transfer:

Michael Owen was the last past-his-best striker that the Toon acquired from Real Madrid, and we all know how that worked out. Really badly (just in case you didn’t know). Spurs, on the other hand, are happy to repeatedly spend every transfer window being linked with out of contract legends of the game, although the last time they actually bought one was Edgar Davids five years ago.

Johnny’s Verdict:With a decent strike force already, Spurs definitely don’t need him as much as Newcastle. Despite being older than Peter Lovenkrands, Shola Ameobi and Andy Carroll put together, Raul is still three times as good and would be welcomed with open arms on Tyneside.”

Ramires to Manchester City from Benfica for a fee of £30 million:

After City’s alleged move for James Milner from Aston Villa supposedly stalled, the Eastlands club promptly went “oh well” and have reportedly turned their interests to Ramires after manager Roberto Mancini looked at his stats on Football Manager, releasing a statement saying: “he will become a world class midfielder by 2012, mark my words.”

Johnny’s Verdict:Man City have the funds as well as seemingly no concerns about how many players they already have in one position. Could easily happen.”

Cesc Fabregas to Barcelona from Arsenal in return for Xavi’s silence:

Rumour has it that Xavi witnessed Gunner’s boss Arsene Wenger committing an act of unspeakable illegality such as murder, fly tipping or undertaking on the motorway. After he released yet another statement about how much he wants Fabregas to join the Catalans to the press today, much has been made of Xavi’s quotes that he was “on loan” at Arsenal and that “there is nothing they can do to stop him joining.”

Little Johnny and his team of experts have spent long hours deciphering these quotes and have come to the conclusion that they represent a thinly veiled threat to reveal Arsene’s secret unless Cesc joins, especially the quote: “I will reveal Arsene’s secret unless Cesc joins.”

Johnny’s Verdict: “In order to buy Xavi’s silence, Arsene will relent allow Fabregas to join his former club, as well as signing over custody of his next grandchild. It’s a lot like the show Desperate Housewives, only far less sexy.”

HUGE TIP-OFF OF THE DAY:

Johnny says: “Mick McCarthy to sell off organs for medical experiments in order to raise funds to buy a lower league centre back.”

That’s it for today’s transfers. Feel free to send in your own gossip via the comments section below or through Perez Shilton’s Twitter.

Eduardo Set To Join Shakhtar + Possible Drogba to Manchester City, Remy to West Ham and Nobody/Balotelli to Manchester United Deals

Little Johnny’s Twenty Four Seven Transfer Window Tip Offs

PhotobucketPerez Shilton’s resident toddler transfer expert, Little Johnny, who once shared a taxi with a man who had spoke to Rufus Brevett, gives us his take on the day’s transfer news.

Tuesday 20th July:

(PROBABLY) CONFIRMED DEALS:

Eduardo to Shakhtar Donetsk from Arsenal for an estimated fee of £6 million:

Eduardo’s career at Arsenal, despite promising early signs, took a huge nosedive after Martin Taylor pole-axed the Brazilian born Croatian’s leg in half in 2008.

Against significant odds, instead of retiring and using his lack of mobility to become a human doorstop, Eduardo managed to resume playing for the Gunners, albeit as a shadow of his former self. Much like a trusty gate to your home that you accidentally boot down when returning one evening (after one too many Haribos) that you manage to fix, but instead of being all trusty like it used to, it now makes an annoying “eeeeh uhhhh” sound every time it you open it and occasionally it swings out a random and hits passersby in the shins, thus meaning you become resigned to the fact that you’re going to have to get rid of it and sell it to some rich Ukrainian man round the corner.

Saddened by Eduardo’s deterioration as a player, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was believed to have wanted to keep hold of him and give him a non-playing role at the club, such as a human paperweight, a human desk tidy or as a life-size human statue of former Arsenal player Eduardo for ornamentation, but felt the reported £6 million offer too good to turn down.

RUMOURED DEALS

Didier Drogba to Man City from Chelsea for a fee of £20 million:

Not content with having more strikers than Stoke City and Wolves combined and timesed by 5, City boss Roberto Mancini wants to add last season’s Premier League Golden Boot winner and owner of a bionic arm, Didier Drogba, to his squad with the Italian conceding to Johnny that: “the only striker who isn’t annoyed at the ridiculous levels of competition for a first team place and still wants to play for us regularly is Roque Santa Cruz, and he’s crap. The only solution I can think of is to buy more strikers who won’t be annoyed by opposition for their place until mid season.”

Johnny’s Verdict:Could happen in theory, although Chelsea aren’t in a position where they need to sell and they don’t want to have to rely on Salomon Kalou next season. This move is highly doubtful.”

Loic Remy to West Ham from Nice for a fee of £15 million:

Despite publicly revealing that the Hammer’s are in dire financial straits in January, new owners Davids Gold and Sullivan, are reportedly prepared to pay an extra £3 million more than Nice’s £12 million asking price to secure the striker’s services ahead of competition from Liverpool.

Johnny’s Verdict:Financial logic and common sense would dictate that this was not a goer. Then again, these are the former owners of Birmingham City who bought James McFadden for £5 million, so this move could easily happen.”

Nobody to Manchester United:

United boss Sir Alex Ferguson is reported to have claimed that he is happy with his current squad and does not need to spend big in order to win back the Premier League title from Chelsea, stating; “we are comfortable with the squad we’ve got.”Others say that the reason for the Scot’s thrift is that Red Devil owners, the Glazers, have given him a budget of 25 vouchers for Tesco and a bill for hotel expenses for the Glazers’ holiday.

Johnny’s Verdict: “With their current financial situation, and with the Glazers renowned for being stingier than the Artful Dodger in a pound shop, I wouldn’t be suprised if this were true. However it is completely at odds with the next story…”

Mario Balotelli to Manchester United from Inter Milan for a fee of £25.5 million:

Apparently, Sir Al is not that comfortable with the squad he has got and wants the addition of temperamental 19 year old striker Balotelli, a player so popular that a small group of Inter fans tried to physically attack him when he threw his shirt to the floor after being substituted in the Champions League semi final against Barcelona.

Johnny’s Verdict: “He couldn’t be any more unpopular than Dimitar Berbatov around Old Trafford, so that won’t be an issue. However, in his short stay at Inter, he has had more disciplinary problems than Gazza in his playing days after witnessing a particularly frustrating cliffhanger episode of Spooks and venting his annoyance by setting fire to the kitman. I can’t see him and Sir Al meeting eye to eye.”

HUGE TIP-OFF OF THE DAY:

Johnny says: “Out of form 33 year old Arsenal goalkeeper Manuel Almunia to be sent out to Brentford on loan for ‘experience’ and then have his return train ticket cancelled by the club.”

That’s your lot for transfers. Feel free to send in your own gossip via the comments section below or through Perez Shilton’s Twitter.

Joe Cole Completes Move To Warm Liverpool’s Benches + Sol Campbell, Phil Jagielka, Rob Hulse & Cesc Fabregas Rumours

It’s time for another new feature that will probably be dropped after a short while: ‘Little Johnny’s Twenty Four Seven Transfer Window Tip Offs

Photobucket Perez Shilton’s resident transfer expert, Little Johnny, whose uncle is friends with a guy who knows someone who works as a postman for every club in the land, apparently, will be taking a look through the Transfer Window, which is situated next to his cot, to bring you round the clock updates (not including post 8pm bedtime hours) of all the latest transfer deals, gossip and lies to keep you sufficiently satisfied.

Monday 19th August:

CONFIRMED DEALS:

Joe Cole to Liverpool on a free transfer:

After being released by Chelsea, Joe Cole has turned down reported offers from Arsenal and Tottenham, two Champions League sides, in order to warm benches for Europa League outfit Liverpool instead.

Liverpool’s new manager Roy Hodgson has released a statement which says: “I am delighted to have captured Joe, it signals our huge ambition; to have the warmest benches in the country. Key to any club’s success is the temperature of their subs bench, as any physio will tell you; warm buttocks equals a decrease in 5% unhappiness at not being picked to start.

“Spurs were keen to add him to their bench to add to their stellar bench warming lineup of Carlo Cudicini, David Bentley and Roman Pavlyuchenko, so this is a real coup for us.”

Fact: Despite having the face of a primary school child, Joe Cole is going imminently bald, giving him the look of a teenage Buddhist monk or the titular character Casper the Friendly ghost, which, as we all know, was a kids’ TV show about a dead child’s adventures in the afterlife.

RUMOURED DEALS:

Sol Campbell to Newcastle on a free transfer:

This rumour has been given more credence due to the fact that Newcastle boss Chris Hughton has been heard by Johnny’s mate talking to a scout stating “even though our rather weak midfield still means we have to play Joey Barton, what I’d really like is an ageing defender with a really shiny head and a fat arse.”

Johnny’s Verdict:Almost certain to happen. Unless Chris is referring to Jaap Stam, which is a large possibility.”

Everton’s Phil Jagielka to Arsenal for £18 million:

Arsene Wenger is noted for rarely buying English players, rarely buying well known players, rarely spending over £50 for said players and rarely strengthening his back four, however weak they appear to be.

Johnny’s Verdict:No chance at that price.”

Rob Hulse to Blackpool for £1 million:

Rob Hulse is a man who spends most of his time being transferred to clubs that have either just been relegated or will be relegated during his time there for a large amount of said clubs’ transfer budgets. This move would be a record signing for Blackpool.

Johnny’s Verdict: “Probable relegation team Blackpool are a perfect fit for Hulse, this is a likely deal.”

HUGE TIP-OFF OF THE DAY:

Johnny says: “Cesc Fabregas to stun both Arsenal and Barcelona and pack in football to do what he’s always wanted; become a monster truck driver.”

That’s your lot for transfers. Feel free to send in your own gossip via the ‘Submit Gossip’ button on the right or through Perez Shilton’s Twitter.

Thierry Henry’s Move to MLS club New York Red Bulls opens floodgates to ageing stars looking for a transfer stateside

PhotobucketPhotobucketAfter Thierry Henry’s, a player very much ‘in his prime’ (apparently), move to MLS club New York Red Bulls created a media storm, several of the game’s players ‘in their prime’ (N.B. read ‘prime’ as ‘over 30, past their best and, in some cases, morbidly obese’) are looking to replicate Henry’s success by securing lucrative stateside moves of their own, according to Perez Shilton’s resident PI Staan Coollymore and man in the transfer know, Little Johnny:

  • Andriy Shevchenko has been seen hanging around outside FC Dallas’ stadium, doing keepy-ups and wearing a ‘for sale’ sign around his neck, in the hope that a club official notices him.
  • Gary Neville is wanted on charges of vandalism after throwing a brick through DC United’s RFK Stadium window which had a DVD showreel entitled ‘Roberto Carlos’ Gary Neville’s Greatest Games’ attached to it, a compilation of Roberto Carlos’ career highlights which has been digitally altered so that Neville’s face is photoshopped over the Brazilian’s.
  • Ronaldinho spent all of yesterday doing Toronto FC’s boss Preki’s weekly shop for him, and spent over five hours in Wal-Mart trying to find the frozen yoghurt section.
  • Edgar Davids has been doing the entire washing up for Chivas USA’s kitchen staff since Monday and there are ongoing talks to hire him as a full time kitchen hand or in some cleaning capacity.
  • Michael Owen’s Soccer Skills’ to be played on a loop on a big screen outside Seattle Sounders’ Qwest Field stadium, with the permanently injured striker remarking “that’s me that is!” to anyone who walks past.
  • Lee Bowyer has gone for the more aggressive and threatening tact by leaving a severed tentacle from Paul the Psychic Octopus on the Chicago Fire manager Carlos del los Cobos’ pillow to serve as a warning. Rumours are that Bowyer is willing to go so far as to throw give de los Cobos’ beloved dog into a threshing machine.
  • Staan has intercepted a note from former England legend Alan Shearer to LA Galaxy boss, Bruce Arena, offering “sexual favours” (“nothing involving live horses though, I’ve made that mistake once before, never again”) in return for a trial to mark Shearer’s sensational return to the game.

Expect to see all/none of these moves materialising sometime soon, depending on the reliability of Staan and Johnny’s information. I would go for the latter option.

In Actual News:

Emile Heskey Retires From International Football, Having Scored A Majestic 7 Goals Over 11 Years

David Beckham Wants To Be A Pro Lego Builder ‘When He Grows Up’

Steven Gerrard’s Move To Real Thwarted By Madrid’s Dropping Their Bid In Order To Secure The Services Of Paul The Octopus For Their Aquarium

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