Goal line technology’s staunch opposition

Andy Carroll’s headed effort in yesterday’s FA Cup Final reignited the debate over goal line technology once more. I say reignited, it has been raging on for quite some time now. Perhaps it is fairer to say that Andy Carroll’s headed effort found more fuel and burnt some more of the surrounding environment to a crispy ash, leaving many people homeless.

“Why don’t bladdy FIFA just introduce bladdy goal line technology already?” cried all of nation’s blokes-down-the-pub collectively en masse.

It has come to Shilts’ learned* attention that plans afoot to introduce goal line technology and appease the self appointed spokesmen of football have been prevented, not as a result of Sepp Blatter’s mixture of trademark incompetence and unwavering Luddite attitude, but rather due to a press boycott.

Though seemingly appearing to champion such reforms through giving every marginal incident such extensive coverage that the actual game itself is long forgotten, the media have aligned themselves directly against any changes for precisely this reason.

“If goal line technology was introduced, what the bollocks would we talk about after a game?!” muttered Mark Lawrenson, in an exclusive interview (with someone else). He may have muttered this, but Shilts was listening through a wall and has hearing difficulties, so the quote may not be verbatim.

“They would expect opinion and insight! We can’t give that! Rugby has video technology, have you ever seen rugby punditry? They merely shrug and say ‘that was a game of rugby’ after the game and that’s it. I want to get say how ridiculous a difficult decision is over and over again, despite having access to multiple video replays and still not coming to any conclusive conclusion, and then insist that the moment could have ‘changed the outcome entirely’.” argues Andy Townsend, displaying rare opinion and insight.

“Had Lampard’s goal against Germany been given, we would have had to find an entirely different reason to blame for England’s inevitable loss,” admitted one tabloid journalist. “These possible referring blunders are the sorts of decisions which mean we don’t have to analyse tactics and player performance beyond a few basic statistics and bias assertions. Football is all about opinion, not actual football, that’s the beauty of the game, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Beauty of the game. Isn’t it? Isn’t it? Opinion. Isn’t it?…” Shilts backed away as the journalist proceeded to enter a trance like stasis.

So there you have it. Video technology will not be introduced so that we can get more outraged at possibly incorrect decisions and express our outrage that we have to express our outrage at these possibly incorrect opinions in an ad nauseam loop. That’s what football’s all about though really isn’t it? Opinion. Isn’t it?…

Carroll fails to score a goal. Correct call. No technology needed.

The entire ball blatantly didn’t go over the line.

*read: ill-informed

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Arsene Wenger: “I will not change approach”

Aggrieved at watching their side throw away another title, like a Sergio Ramos covered in grease and precariously perched above an infinite crevice as a masked gunman bursts in and orders everyone to put their hands up or he’ll shoot, Arsenal fans have expressed yet more frustration towards manager Arsene Wenger’s refusal to compromise tactically.

Yet, speaking exclusively* to Perez Shilton, the Frenchman has once again vowed to stick with his tactics: “I have developed a vision here at Arsenal Football Club and intend to see it through.

“Long have pundits claimed that my teams try to ‘pass-it-into-the-net’, but this is simply not true. My teams try to ‘pass-around-the-area-of-the-net-then-give-it-to-Bendtner-who-tries-to-bicycle-kick-the-ball-even-though-it’s-on-the-floor-then-allow-the-opposition-to-hoof-it-clear-and-sometimes-score-as-a-result’ so I will not listen to anymore of this ‘pass-it-in’ nonsense, that tactic would never work!

The patented 'Wenger Manoeuvre'

“People may also criticise my recent tactical decision to allow the opposition to score goals late on which prevent us winning the match, but I stand by it. Once the players get used to and gain valuable experience in it by, say, next season, it will reap dividends. The players will have matured by then.

“People also say ‘Oh! Arsene! You’ve  been saying that your players will have matured and grown in experience by next season every season since Denilson was 9, this group of players aren’t young anymore, enough excuses, sort it out!’ But I say to them; look at Squillaci, only 30 years old and with plenty of time to develop into a not entirely rubbish centre back. And Emmanuel Eboué, only 27, shows me everyday in training the promise to develop into the successful folk singer songwriter we always knew he would be when we brought him to this club.

“Every summer, people come up to me and say ‘Oh hey Arsene, why don’t you buy in established talent?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, when are you gonna spend all that money you’ve never had?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, why don’t you melt Tomas Rosicky down and use him as a doorstop for the changing rooms or perhaps a mobile phone antennae?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, can you put some clothes on and get off our lawn, you’re scaring my kids?’ and I’m so sick of it. When have I listened to any of these things? Never.

“So fuck off.”

*And fictionally

Pelé announces updated ‘FIFA 100’

Pelé having a giant silver ball impact into his skull, rendering him comatose

Greatest player ever and all round self congratulatorist Pelé has updated his ‘Pelé 100’ list and we here at Perez Shilton have got our greedy mitts on it first!* The results make for surprising reading…

Aside from the obvious inclusion of himself at the top of the list, the Brazilian’s decision to include former Swansea, Bristol City and current Neath striker Lee Trundle a staggering 76 times has baffled many critics.

As has the inclusion of Rahmane Barry, a striker who, over his seven year career has amassed a total of 52 appearances and 6 goals and is currently plying his trade with Beauvais in the French third division. An official statement from Pelé himself has justified Barry’s entry, stating: “he was wicked sick on Pro Evolution Soccer 4 in the Master League mode, can’t deny raw talent like that.”

Here is the updated ‘Pelé 100’ list, for your viewing pleasure: Read more of this post

Entire Real Madrid squad pull out of Champions League tie with Tottenham Hotspur

Real Madrid "not up for the Champions League"

Already buoyed by the news that Cristiano Ronaldo, Karim Benzema and Marcelo were definitely not going to face them during their Champion’s League clash, Tottenham Hotspur have received even better news upon hearing that the entire Real Madrid squad have pulled out of the fixture, stating that they “can’t be bothered”, effectively giving Spurs a by till the Semi Finals.

Manager Jose Mourinho has been quoted (by Shilts) as saying “I look at the team sheet and I see important names missing, names such as Ronaldo, Benzema, Marcelo, Winston Bogarde; all missing. Then I think ‘what is the point? Can Jose be arsed to pick a team full of these amateurs such as Kaka and Higuain? No. No he can’t. So let Spurs have their day, Jose doesn’t care for them or their petty tournament.”

In light of these events, Spurs bossed Harry Redknapp has immediately heaped praise upon himself stating “I ‘ad a feelin’ that those Madrid boys wouldn’t be up for the match so I went over there and hit that fella Ronaldo with me 4×4, then reversed over his prostrate body a coupl’a times. Brilliant tactical move. Then I emailed Jose, insulted all of his family and said that I reckon he should focus on the Champions League ravver than the La Liga, knowing full well that he is well petulant and would do the opposite. Lavely.

“When you’ve been in the game as long as I ‘ave, you know when an’ how to make these decisions, an’ there’s no doubt that this Fabio Capello chap doesn’t, so inevitably these skills will come in ‘andy when I’m the England gaffer.

“I’m not saying I’m un’appy ‘ere at Spurs, I lav it ‘ere, but if you give me the England job I won’t lav it quite as much, if you know what I mean. Basically I’m available.

“C’MON FA ‘ARRY’S YOUR BITCH!

“…Er… I lav it ‘ere at Spurs…”

Football historically introduced in Wales for the first time

Wales' Collins struggles to get to grips with the basic concepts of the sport early on and accidentally gives a penalty away whilst trying to mate with the ball.

In 1965, an Italian man working in England at the time ventured into Wales and introduced them to the concept of fire, by burning down everything he saw in disgust. The intrepid Celts took to this new concept instantly and began using it on a frequent basis, turning their previously permanently cold, dark and uninhabitable landscape into a merely uninhabitable landscape which was occasionally cold and dark.

Skip forward to the present day and the charitable actions of one Fabio Capello have meant that an event of similar magnitude and circumstance has occurred; the Welsh have now been given football.

Mr Capello, with the FA’s permission and blessing – for this expedition fell under their one of their outreach schemes to bring football to a more deprived audience – kindly took the English national team across the Severn Bridge in order to stage an international match with the Welsh. Running out 2-0 winners on the day against a team of Welshmen who spontaneously decided to ‘give the sport a go’, Capello has described the trip as a success:

“We weren’t-ah sure if the barbarians would like the game of ah-football, but a few of them seemed keen. At first they didn’t ah-know how to play because I-ah tactically decided against ah-telling them all of the ah-rules. This allowed us to-ah go 1-0 up instantly when ah clumsy bald ah-man the locals know as ‘Collins’ ah-tried to play-ah the rugby in his penalty box, getting us ah-penalty.

“Then we scored again because I ah-told their manager, who the locals know as ‘Garyspeed’, that conceding goals was ah-positive approach to take. Annoyingly, they caught on to the actual ah-rules pretty fast and in the ah-last thirty minutes they actually ah-got the hang. Then many of them got bored and started playing in the ah-dirt and eating the coal instead. I noticed this and ah-tactically went defensive, putting Milner on for the Rooney to end ah-the game.

“Overall, I think it was ah-success. We were worried that ah-the savage natives would harm our players, but I can report that only ah-Phil Jagielka is missing, and ah-Lamps claims he saw a pack of young urchins feasting on his ah-succulent body.”

Perez Shilton interviewed one of the Welsh locals from a safe distance who saw the game and identified himself, after much thought and contemplation on the question of his name, as ‘Robb-er…robin…er….rob…robbiessssssavagethat’sitrobbiesavage…ithink’ and spoke only through shouting. Of the sport he had just witnessed, he had this to say:

“IT WAS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN YEAH AND IN MY LIFETIME I’VE SEEN A CAR, FIVE BOOBS AND DADDY CAMP WITH CUBA GOODING JUNIOR, SO IT WAS PRETTY GOOD I RECKON YEAH.”

Shortly after this, the local started snarling menacingly and dribbling on himself. Not au fait with their customs, Shilts interpreted this as a territorial warning and ran away. Either he was correct or the vagrant was reading a sign with Welsh on it.

Exclusive: Interview with Andy Gray in which he apologises, then tries to explain his sexist comments

Following Richard Key’s successful interview on talkSPORT Radio in which he succeeded in not making his continued employment by Sky completely untenable and wasn’t forced to resign due to his ability to skilfully and humbly absolve himself of the needlessly derisive comments he made about linesman Sian Massey, Key’s partner in misogyny, Andy Gray, similarly decided to speak to highly respected news source Perez Shilton to likewise clear his name.

Perez Shilton: Andy! How have you been?

Andy Gray: I’m sorr-eh. Alreet? I’m sorr-eh.

PS: Okay…

AG: Aye said ayem sorr-eh. Wut more deh yeh want? Aye accept noow that vaginafolk have their place in the football.

PS: Vaginafolk? That’s not very PC of-

AG: AYE SAID AYE AM SORR-EH! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT D’YA WANT?! IT WERE JUST BANTER MATE!

PS: Ah, well if it was just banter then fair enough.

AG: Thank ye. Finally. People are allowed t’make discriminatory prejudiced personal attacks when it’s jus’ banter. Aye though’ everyone knew tha’.

PS: What do you make of the accusations that sexism is rife in the game?

AG: Oh aye.

PS: You agree?

AG: Aye jus’ said oh aye didn’ aye? Aye think forcin’ women to do jobs, such as officiating in football matches, that are way too advanced for them is beyond sexist. It’s inhumane.

PS: So you’re saying that it is sexist to employ female linesmen?

AG: Lessen-

PS: Lessen?

AG: Lessen! Wi’ yer ears ye daft twat!

PS: Oh right… listen-

AG: Yeh, lessen. Soccer is a game made by man, much like sperm. Now are yoo tellin’ me that yoo want women to make sperm ye sick bastard?!

PS: …Erm, no, no I don’t think I am…

AG: Right. Now you try and find me a woman who wants to spunk everywhere.

PS: Hilary Swank’s character in Boys Don’t Cry?

AG: Exactly. No one. Now I bet ye can’t find a single woman who wants t’run around on the sideline wavin’ a flag with her good cooking hand an’ guessin’ when someone’s offside. They should nae be forced to do it an’ it’s totally unfair on them. And that’s why aye’ve decided to set up my own campaign tryin’ to stamp out this blatant sexism that’s ruining our game. It’s called ‘Take A Bow (Out Of The Game Because You’re Not A) Son, Take A Bow‘.

PS: Wow! I’m impressed.

AG: Ye should be. We’re doin’ all sorts of fundraisers. Richard (Keys) is gonna get breast implants fer a month and I’m going to shave a vagina into my pubes!

PS: Sounds charitable!

AG: To tell ye the trooth Perez, I really like this philanthropy stuff, it makes me feel good inside. Like aye am makin’ a difference ye know? I might even try an’ move in teh other areas that aren’t just sexism.

PS: Yeah?

AG: Yeah, aye was speakin’ to me mate Ron Atkinson who also got fired fer comments he made off air. He wants t’start an education program for black people and provide them with furniture for them t’sit in as they are all inherently lazy.

PS:

AG: Hello? (We were conducting the interview over the phone and I was being silent you see)

PS: Bye Andy. (At this point I tried hanging up on him, however I pressed the wrong button and accidentally put him on loudspeaker instead. I then proceeded to make several derogatory comments about Gray. He took offence at my claims that he was a crap pundit who looks like a fat version of Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, stating that these comments went ‘beyond banter’,  and is threatening me with legal action due to the stress I have caused him. It’s a fucking stitch up I tell you).

DISCLAIMER: Perez Shilton’s phone has recently been playing up, meaning that he cannot hear anything anyone ever says on his end of the phone and that entire conversations are inaudible. As a result, he may or may not have panicked and completely made up all the words in this interview. He might even have also dialled the wrong number originally and instead conducted this interview with his mate Sexist Alan, who is next to Andy Gray in his phonebook, by mistake.

Sort of Looks Like #9: Salomon Kalou and Junior from Cool Runnings

Being beaten 3-1 by your London rivals is rarely a good thing, but Salomon Kalou can console himself thanks to Perez Shilton with the knowledge that he sort of looks like Rawle D. Lewis, aka Junior in Cool Runnings. Notable scene; “Pride, power, a badass mother who don’t take no crap off of nobody” speech. Makes you want to go out and kick a bin over in rage, sending litter everywhere! Take that society! Then conscientiously pick up the bin and put all the litter back in it again.

Junior Bevil                                              Salomon Kalou