Schoolboy Match Reports: England 1 – 1 France Euro 2012

Shilts hands over to the self proclaimed voice of the self proclaimed voices of the internet, football forum expert and 6 year old; Little Johnny for a recap of all the action from Monday’s Group D game between England and France. THE MOST IMPORTANT OF THE TOURNAMENT SO FAR™

England 1 (Lescott, 30) – 1 France (Nasri, 38)

“It is Engerland kicking off their first game of the tournament, but where is Andrew Carol???? He is so good because he was bad all year but then he played in the FA Cup Finals and people say ‘no, he is good now he is offering England something else up front’ like coupons or something. Instead they are playing Daniel Wellbecks and my friend from school Al Oxslide Chainberlin. Mr Evans was very angry as he was ringing up sick and saying he couldn’t come in today but then there he is in the telly! Mr Evans says he will beat him when he gets back.

We are starting the game and Frank Riberstein is scaring Glen Johns every time he walks up to him and looks in Glen’s eyes. Glen kept screaming and saying ‘What is it?? What is it?!” and while he wasn’t looking Sammy Nasir had a shot but it was not a goal shot it was a goal kick shot and everyone is breathing a sigh of relief except the French fans who all hissed at once and covered the pitch in greb, but the commentary man says it is all about Engerland so we do not care about the French fans as they do not exist.

Al then got the ball and used the trick stick to go round two players but then he is thinking ‘if I score this, it will be the greatest goal of ever and it will be in a compilation DVD presented by Gareth Linachre’ and his greediness means he loses the ball. In school he never lets me have any of his crisps as he says his mum says he will get germs if he shares, so we spit in his packet when he isn’t looking and hope he gets chicken pox.

Then the commentary man says something amazing has happened: ENGERLAND HAVE SCORED! My dad jumped up and punched our lamp in happiness and it shattered everywhere and a bit of the glass hit me and made me bleed and mum said ‘what is wrong with you?’ and he said ‘fuck off I am enjoying the football’ and then they didn’t speak to each other all day. Stephence Gerhard is there with the free kick, he wooshes it in and Les Cott is there to power in the ball with his magic head that has a mystic triangle in it which makes him think faster than everyone but also a bit weird looking like a vegetable.

Everyone then says that it will be our year and that Roy Hodgsman is the best Hodgsman for the job as we are going to win Euro 2012! But then Sammy Nasir goes up the other end and is scoring and then putting his finger to his lips hoping that everyone will be quiet and enjoy his goal, but the crowd just keep making noise and he keeps shhhing them but they will not be quiet and in the end he gives up and walks home to the French half.

Then, even though I know Engerland are the most exciting team in the world to watch all the time, the game becomes really boring, even when Jordan Hendersman comes on who is the best football player that all of the fans want to see. Then it ends and nobody noticed and they all went ‘oh, it’s ended.’ and then walked off. I CAN’T WAIT FOR MORE OF THE FOOTBALL EURO 2012!

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Schoolboy Match Reports: Netherlands 0 – 1 Denmark Euro 2012

Shilts hands over to the self proclaimed voice of the self proclaimed voices of the internet, football forum expert and 6 year old; Little Johnny for a recap of all the action from yesterday’s Group B game between Netherlands and Denmark.

Netherlands 0 – 1 Denmark (Krohn Dehli, 24)

how can netherlands not even beat danmark?!? lmao, i don’t even know where it is, i think they made it up and netherlands are just losing to a team made of bits of wood found in a skip baso imo.

in 1st half, the team of oranges are just having all of the chances but they are being so bad goaling that my dad just laughed at the tv until he started choking on his peanuts and then mum took him to hospital. aryan robbin and afeleye were worse than wetting yourself in the middle of assembly and then having to take your trousers off and being known as ‘wee boy’ all year, but they carved out some decent efforts.

the worst man was the man with a duplo haircut, robert van persie, who is a great big idiot who is not scoring the goals all the time, so he has not opened his accounts and is still having to carry all of his goals in his van pursie and they are spilling out all over the floor and round the post but not into the goals lol. he is so overrated, he is like pombear crisps, i do not care for those ppl who say ‘he was so good last season’ you are moroons = he is just blatantly rubbish and has proved that in this last game.

one of the danmark players went up and then just ran at the defenseman one way and then the other way and the orange defenseman just didnt know what to do. in the end he just didnt tackle krohn’s deli and it goes through the keepers legs and its a GOOOOOOOAL! 1-0! the oranges found themselves eating humble pie made of orange and were not liking the taste of their own flavour.

danmark started to feel sorry for netherlands as they knew everyone would make fun of them for being totally cack so the keeper is just giving the ball to aryan robbin who cannot even score then! instead he hits the post and then stands there and thinks ‘what have i done? it was basically an open goal apart from the three defenders and goalkeeper in front of me, i might even quit and become a binman!’ in the end the manager came on to the pitch and slapped him in the face and said ‘NOT NOW ARYAN, PLEASE NOT NOW’.

 then the funniest ever moments of football happened when robert vp went to score a goal but instead kicked the air really hard! lol. even my nan could score that and she just stays in her big chair smoking and shouting out her window at foreign ppl. she would have to be allowed out first and mum says that she doesnt like taking granny sue anywhere because we always have to leave early because she gets so angry.

in literally the last second of the game, class jan huntinglark goes up and kicks the ball in the penalty box and the danmark man forgets how to play and thinks he is keeping goal and just slaps the ball like my friend terrance’s dad slaps him in the face. twice. it is probably because they do not have football in danmark and he just doesn’t know the rules so the ref says ‘i will let you off this time but i have called handball now so next time i will punish you’ but class jan just yells in the refs face, so the ref blows the final whistle and the game ends.”