England’s training ground secrets revealed (and approximated)

Ahead of ANOTHER MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE TOURNAMENT SO FAR™ between England and Sweden, our resident snoop Staan Coollymoore (in know way affiliated with anyone who happens to have a strikingly similar name and appearance) has been observing the England team’s preparations at their training camp, having both covered himself in turf and pretended to be their pitch and hidden inside Gary Neville’s moustache. Here are his (more than likely exaggerated, if not entirely falsified) findings:

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James Milner has been rubbing butter on his knees to make them “extra supple”. This has attracted an army of tree ants who have been gnawing at the midfielder’s legs unrelentingly for the last two evenings, proving extremely counter effective. Expect him to be on the bench.

Steven Gerrard has been locked in exchange of nods between himself and his own reflection in the mirror for 10pm yesterday, where he wished himself goodnight. Unwilling to break scouse law and not return a nod, the coaching staff have been so far unsuccessful in their attempts to tear him away, making it touch-and-go whether or not they can do so before this evening’s fixture.

Jack Butland, who spent the entire plane journey yelling “WHY AM I HERE?!” to nobody in particular, has fallen into a deep existential crisis. After reading all of the works of Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, Butland has began work on his first novel about a young goalkeeper who massacres his entire team and then shrugs because it doesn’t matter.

Manager Roy Hodgson has taken to standing on the sidelines, popping a Werther’s Original in his mouth then glazing over and going ‘ahhhhhh’ for upwards of five minutes, before he repeats the process with another. England’s medical staff are worried that he has “given himself every type of diabetes” with this behaviour.

Michael Owen has sporadically turned up disguised as an unconvincing Danny Welbeck in an attempt to break back into the England squad, momentarily confusing former captain John Terry who was unsure whether to racially abuse pass to him or not.

Jordan Henderson has been unable to go outdoors due to the intense amount of Ukrainian paparazzi who have been following him, believing him to be someone else more noteworthy. Sid from Toy Story perhaps.

Theo Walcott has been running around the perimeter of the training camp yelling “Look how fast I am! Look!” for no obvious reason or use. Expect more of the same if he starts later.

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Pelé announces updated ‘FIFA 100’

Pelé having a giant silver ball impact into his skull, rendering him comatose

Greatest player ever and all round self congratulatorist Pelé has updated his ‘Pelé 100’ list and we here at Perez Shilton have got our greedy mitts on it first!* The results make for surprising reading…

Aside from the obvious inclusion of himself at the top of the list, the Brazilian’s decision to include former Swansea, Bristol City and current Neath striker Lee Trundle a staggering 76 times has baffled many critics.

As has the inclusion of Rahmane Barry, a striker who, over his seven year career has amassed a total of 52 appearances and 6 goals and is currently plying his trade with Beauvais in the French third division. An official statement from Pelé himself has justified Barry’s entry, stating: “he was wicked sick on Pro Evolution Soccer 4 in the Master League mode, can’t deny raw talent like that.”

Here is the updated ‘Pelé 100’ list, for your viewing pleasure: Read more of this post

Thierry Henry’s Move to MLS club New York Red Bulls opens floodgates to ageing stars looking for a transfer stateside

PhotobucketPhotobucketAfter Thierry Henry’s, a player very much ‘in his prime’ (apparently), move to MLS club New York Red Bulls created a media storm, several of the game’s players ‘in their prime’ (N.B. read ‘prime’ as ‘over 30, past their best and, in some cases, morbidly obese’) are looking to replicate Henry’s success by securing lucrative stateside moves of their own, according to Perez Shilton’s resident PI Staan Coollymore and man in the transfer know, Little Johnny:

  • Andriy Shevchenko has been seen hanging around outside FC Dallas’ stadium, doing keepy-ups and wearing a ‘for sale’ sign around his neck, in the hope that a club official notices him.
  • Gary Neville is wanted on charges of vandalism after throwing a brick through DC United’s RFK Stadium window which had a DVD showreel entitled ‘Roberto Carlos’ Gary Neville’s Greatest Games’ attached to it, a compilation of Roberto Carlos’ career highlights which has been digitally altered so that Neville’s face is photoshopped over the Brazilian’s.
  • Ronaldinho spent all of yesterday doing Toronto FC’s boss Preki’s weekly shop for him, and spent over five hours in Wal-Mart trying to find the frozen yoghurt section.
  • Edgar Davids has been doing the entire washing up for Chivas USA’s kitchen staff since Monday and there are ongoing talks to hire him as a full time kitchen hand or in some cleaning capacity.
  • Michael Owen’s Soccer Skills’ to be played on a loop on a big screen outside Seattle Sounders’ Qwest Field stadium, with the permanently injured striker remarking “that’s me that is!” to anyone who walks past.
  • Lee Bowyer has gone for the more aggressive and threatening tact by leaving a severed tentacle from Paul the Psychic Octopus on the Chicago Fire manager Carlos del los Cobos’ pillow to serve as a warning. Rumours are that Bowyer is willing to go so far as to throw give de los Cobos’ beloved dog into a threshing machine.
  • Staan has intercepted a note from former England legend Alan Shearer to LA Galaxy boss, Bruce Arena, offering “sexual favours” (“nothing involving live horses though, I’ve made that mistake once before, never again”) in return for a trial to mark Shearer’s sensational return to the game.

Expect to see all/none of these moves materialising sometime soon, depending on the reliability of Staan and Johnny’s information. I would go for the latter option.

In Actual News:

Emile Heskey Retires From International Football, Having Scored A Majestic 7 Goals Over 11 Years

David Beckham Wants To Be A Pro Lego Builder ‘When He Grows Up’

Steven Gerrard’s Move To Real Thwarted By Madrid’s Dropping Their Bid In Order To Secure The Services Of Paul The Octopus For Their Aquarium

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Uncovered: School reports of Ashley Cole, Rooney and Carragher reveal the experiences that shaped them as the players we know today

PhotobucketAfter foraging around in bins outside Ashley Cole’s former school, the Sun have come across his old school report which labels him as violent, disruptive and rude to members of staff, even telling one to teacher “f*** off”.

While you may think that the Sun have stooped to incredible lows through making a news story out of something they found in a bin, fear not, for Perez Shilton’s resident PI Staan Coollymore has stooped even lower. Having already raided the bin from whence Cole’s report came way before the Sun’s roving reporter, he can exclusively reveal the pages, which he claims are genuine*, that he took for himself:

His geography teacher, Mr Johnson wrote:

“Ashley’s behaviour is that of a borderline sex pest and numerous female members of staff have complained about his advances.

“Why, just last week I received a picture of his appendage inside a postcard. However it was addressed to Mrs Johnson, our biology teacher, and I believe a mix up in the post has meant that I have been sent this atrocity.

His headteacher notes that at the age of around 14, Cole left the school in question to join the school’s arch rivals as “they promised him an extra 2 minutes lunch time each day.”

Cole’s is not the only school report that Staan has got his grubby mitts on. Jamie Carragher’s reads:

“Carragher was an unusually bright and articulate boy, one of the school’s brightest talents, a key member of our debating team and an excellent speaker. This was until he accidentally got his pen lid lodged in his throat whilst sucking it. He now speaks in a garbled form of Scouse and is unable to use pauses in his speech.”

Perhaps less surprising than the revelations found in Carra’s report are those in Wayne Rooney’s:

Reception: “Wayne is an odd boy who sits at the back of the class clutching a potato he has drawn a face on and called “Mr Stevenson” and drawing on his face with crayon. He only ever speaks to ask if ‘Mr Stevenson’ can go to the toilet and to occasionally shout “I like potatos” disruptively.”

As a young boy in his first year of school, this peculiar behaviour is somewhat understandable, for young children, as we all know, are really stupid. However, more worryingly, his school reports for the following 9 years of his education also read:

Years 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9: “Wayne is an odd boy who sits at the back of the class clutching a potato he has drawn a face on and called “Mr Stevenson” and drawing on his face with crayon. He only ever speaks to ask if ‘Mr Stevenson’ can go to the toilet and to occasionally shout “I like potatoes” disruptively.”

A tragic incident, which was to have significant impact on Wayne’s life, occurred in his 11th year in education, aged 15:

Year 10: “Wayne has not stopped sobbing all year after he accidentally ate ‘Mr Stevenson’ during a Chemistry practical. He spends entire lessons banging his head on the desk in a mixture of rage and despair and yelling “Why did you have to go Mr Stevenson?! Why?! Why?!” in between sobs.

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Finally, in Year 11, aged 16, a major breakthrough in Rooney’s development as an adult and as the footballing genius we all know today was achieved:

Year 11: “Turns out young Mr Rooney, despite still being a complete simpleton, is rather good at football. After organising a funeral for ‘Mr Stevenson’, Rooney was able to move on with his life. Sadly, it has not improved his school performance in any way. Have advised him to leave and kick a football around in David Moyes’ front garden.”

The ever ignored, unappreciated and uncared about Manchester United defender, Wes Brown’s, school report read the same thing every year; simply:

“Who?”

*(N.B. There is a high probability that Staan forged these reports)

Fulham’s Europa League Final Preparations

PhotobucketAs the Europe League Final dawns, Perez Shilton’s resident PI Staan Coollymoore has been getting the low down on Fulham’s last minute preparations as they ready themselves for their most important 90 minutes (plus stoppage time)(perhaps also extra time)(and penalties) since 2002’s Intertoto Cup final.

Manager Roy Hodgson has been spotted by numerous alarmed motorists performing ritual sacrifices of cats in the middle of roundabouts whilst dressed as a medieval druid and has duly been reported to the RSPCA.

The Cottagers’ top European marksman Bobby Zamora has been rooted to the corner of the Fulham dressing room for four days running, clutching his completed World Cup 1998 Panini sticker album whilst rocking back and forth in the foetal position, repeatedly whispering “Fabio’s gotta take me, he’s just gotta…” to himself.

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John Paintsil/Pantsil has been in rigorous training for his obligatory individual lap of honour should Roy’s Boys (as I have affectionately dubbed them) defeat Atletico, by running around London’s streets blowing kisses to nobody in particular and earning confused looks from bystanders.

Just to cover all bases in case it is Roy’s Boys who taste defeat, John has been working on a routine where he kneels on the centre circle and smashes his head on the floor yelling “WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!” over and over again.

Andranik Teymourian has been consulting his TV planner and wondering whether to watch the final or a bit of DIY SOS instead.

All that is left for me to do is to wish Roy’s Boys good luck. Although, in the interests of fair and impartial journalism, I must also wish Atletico Madrid good luck too.

Just not quite as good luck.

In Actual News

INJURY DENTS JOHN TERRY’S WORLD CUP HOPES, IMPROVES WAYNE BRIDGE’S

ASTON VILLA BOSS MARTIN O’NEILL TO STAY DESPITE FANS CALLING FOR HIS HEAD AFTER THEIR ‘FAIR’ AND ‘REALISTIC’ DEMANDS OF WINNING A QUINTUPLE WERE NOT MET

GIANFRANCO ZOLA PACKS IN FOOTBALL MANAGING TO BECOME A TEA BOY

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Rooney & Messi Banned, Fabregas’ Injury Horror and Portsmouth Saved

After snooping through clubs’ bins all morning, examining thrown out documents, have I got some shocking news for you:

Messi and Rooney Banned

FIFA supremo and all round nobend football guru, Sepp Blatter, has banned Lionel Messi and Wayne Rooney from playing football “indefinitely” for being “too good.”

“Its against the spirit of the game for them to continually humiliate opponents,” Blatter is quoted as saying. “This is why I have decided to move to ban these two individuals from the sport until they can learn respect. This rule also applies to Steve Claridge. Right, I’m off to through feaces around my office and shout sexist remarks at attractive women in the street. Arf, arf!”

Cesc Fabregas Loses Leg

After limping around for the last ten minutes against Barcelona last night, Arsenal’s physios can confirm that Cesc Fabregas’ injury is so severe that he has had to have his leg amputated.

“Hopefully I’ll be back before the World Cup,” remarked Cesc cheerfully, before bursting into tears until Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger soothed him to sleep by singing him folk songs whilst playing the lute.

Portsmouth Saved

Billionaire Bernard Madoff has reportedly saved Portsmouth from financial meltdown after buying the club and investing millions in it.

A spokesperson for the club is quoted as saying “This is great news for the club, it means we can now offer John Utaka the £5 million a week hes been demanding. Our money worries are over.”

Harry Redknapp Exposed As Jack The Ripper

For over 120 years, one of the world’s greatest mysteries remained unsolved, with Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp eluding the authorities until Daniel Levy used his detective skills to decipher the true story.

“It was easy,” Levy tells Shilts. “The gaffer uploaded some of his old murder pics on Facebook and then tagged the victims. Schoolboy error.”

Police say Harry is facing a long time in the slammer and at a police press conference, he is quoted as yelling “I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that meddling yid!” quite racistly. He then went on to declare interest in over twelve non-Tottenham players.

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There you have it, four of the most shocking and completely true football news stories of the day. Please do not be fooled by this blog’s usual factual inadequacies or the fact it is April Fools’ Day.

REVEALED: Rio Ferdinand’s Affair With A Postbox

PhotobucketAfter a landmark court case declared that the injuctution preventing details of John Terry’s affair with Wayne Bridge’s ex partner was overturned, Perez Shilton’s resident PI Staan Coollymore is now able to reveal exclusive details of an even more secretive affair involving yet another England centre back.

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The Manchester United defender and serial ‘merker’, Rio Ferdinand engaged in a 3 year long affair with the Talbot Road postbox, just round the corner from Old Trafford, Perez Shilton can confirm.

“It started as a bit of fun, just summat to do in the evenin’s ova than Lego,” Rio revealed to Staan. “But then fings jus’ moved on so fast and I was in over my head. I even got trapped inside her for three days after one night’s love makin’ and she helped me find myself. Cos there was this map on her door.”

However relations between the two quickly soured. The postbox, who had previously been linked with ex-England boss and serial womaniser, Sven Goran Eriksson, started giving Rio the cold shoulder.

“She never returned my love letters an I got jealous of tha postmen gettin inside her all the time. I started getting into fights with them, and this, combined wiv all the post I ruined during our nights of intercourse lead to a court order preventing me going within one mile of a postbox or postmen.

“This means I have to have all me post delivered to Darren Fletcher’s house, who keeps burnin’ it all in case its a letter about his drivin’ offences. Nightmare.”

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