Cardiff v West Ham; Championship Play-Off Semi Final: As it happens, occasionally.

Don’t call it a comeback. This is far too underwhelming for that.

For those who can’t be doing with taking in a game of footballs on the far superior mediums of TV and internet streams and inexplicably preferred to read an incomptent blogger’s account instead.

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Cardiff 0 – 2 West Ham (Collison 8, 41)

21 47 Goodnight.

21 46 West Ham will be happy with that lead, though many will be quick to point out Allardyce’s previous play-off semi final failure as Blackpool manager, winning 2-0 away to Bradford in the first leg, they went on to lose 3-0. However, it should also be pointed out that Cardiff are adept at getting to things with the word ‘final’ in their name and then losing. Who will emerge victorious as history repeaters? The losers of the tie. I have confused myself.

21 44 Jack Collison gives a lispy post match interview with a haircut I’ve only just observed as resembling the stalk of a crap vegetable. James Tomkins has a very drained and distressed face; looks like he’s been given two black eyes twice. Rob Green conducts a conversation with himself in his own goalmouth.

21 43 FULL TIME Very little of any note happened in that final 5 minutes, very underwhelming period of play in an otherwise engaging 90 minutes.

21 39 Cardiff seem unaware of the concept or urgency, stroking it about in their own half for unnecessary amounts of time.

21 38 5 added minutes make this last minute seem far less momentous now. I feel silly.

21 37 CAPITALISATION ATTEMPT TO WHIP UP A LAST MINUTE OF NORMAL TIME FRENZY

21 36 One of the crowd is making an incredibly authentic ref whistle noise every now and then. Credit to the players for not being fooled, I have been.

21 35 Both teams crap at aerial raid balls, they’re running into their shelters instead of shooting them down with missiles.

21 33 Joe Mason misses yet another good half chance volley for Cardiff. Rob Green hasn’t had to touch anything all game, which is just as well as he has leprosy.

21 31 Cardiff defensively play the ball around their back four, their fans’ jeers reminding them that they’re losing and that this is an unwise tactical pursuit.

21 29 Some pleasing play from the Bluebirds, culminating in Gunnarson shanking wide. Liam Lawrence jumps up and down on the spot like Dick Dastardly in annoyance.

21 27 Cardiff seem unable to deal with anything in the air when it occurs over their penalty area. They would be rubbish at stopping a Blitzkrieg attack.

20 25 The pregnant headed Rob Earnshaw volleys wide from inside West Ham’s penalty area.

20 24 Aaron Gunnarson’s bullet throws are proving ineffective for the time being, failing to puncture the heads of the West Ham defenders

20 23 Matt Taylor delivers another, in Sky Sports’ words, ‘peach’ of a cross from the left. West Ham don’t want his peaches enough, which is understandable. If someone says ‘hey, do you want some peaches?’ and you say ‘yeah, sure!’ and then they kick them across some grass, you are rarely inclined to eat them.

20 22 It’s like it’s giving birth or something.

20 21 Don Cowie and Kenny Miller are replaced by Stephen McPhail and Bluebird’s favourite Rob Earnshaw. Interesting Earnshaw fact: he has a really bulbous head.

20 20 Cardiff go up the other end, in some play which results in Mark Hudson nodding marginally wide.

21 19 Matt Taylor whips in a succulent ball, but Kevin Nolan doesn’t finish his dinner, heading wide from inside the 6 yard box. He licks the post for comfort.

21 17 A West Ham free kick has David Marshall perform another unorthodox saving style, this time; this time the double handed karate wood chop.

21 16 Cardiff’s Joe Mason gives away a foul. He does a face like he’s begrudgingly accepting a spanking as punishment.

21 15 Lots of shots of particularly ugly members of the crowd now, perhaps marginally more aesthetically pleasing than the game.

21 13 A man with a high fibre diet’s dingle berries.

21 12 Both teams repeatedly giving the ball away now, playing football as attractive as dingle berries.

21 10 The ball bounces around in Cardiff’s area and David Marshall runs out to punch the ball away in a camp manner. Kevin Nolan takes offence at this and boots him, earning him a yellow card.

21 08 Kenny Miller has Cardiff’s best chance of the eve, chesting the ball superbly around the penalty spot, punting over the subsequent chance

21 07 Beatles hybrid George McCartney comes on to provide a solid rhythm guitar in place of vocalist Ricardo Vaz Te

21 05 Darcy Blake looks like he was drawn by Hanna Barbera

21 03 To be fair, the ref does seem a bit lame, I think Tomkins was merely reminding him of this loudly.

21 01 James Tomkins inexplicably starts on the referee, forgetting yer man has judicial ability in this game, earning himself a yellow card.

21 00 Carlton Cole heads off the line from a Cardiff corner

20 58 Kenny Miller breaks through on goal, deciding against shooting, tamely holding up the ball and giving it back to the Hammers instead.

20 57 Aaron Gunnarson does enjoy throwing things, one wonders how he would fare when entrusted with holding babies.

20 56 Rob Green drops the ball from a cross like a hot bitch

20 53 After the offside whistle blows, Cardiff fail to get the traditional needless conversion on target

20 51 Sky Sports “We rarely see a second half exactly the same as the first.” If this happens tonight, one needs’t only read the updates below of the first half twice to replicate the experience of the full game

2050 THE SECOND HALF KICKS OFF AND I CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO TAKE CAPS LOCK OFF

20 47 Malky MacKay has a permanently tragic yet stoic look about him, as if nothing causes him more distress than managing, but its a responsibility that he must bear. It’s like the scene in Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror where the Prime Minister has to fuck a pig to stop terrorists. Exactly like that.

20 43 Sky Sports exhibit a fun compilation of what seems to be Sam Allardyce chewing and inhaling insects through his podgy mouth

20 39  Insightful correspondence now: “I would like West Ham to win as I support them” says Billy from London, “BLUEEEEEEEBIRDS” says @JohnCCFC. Fan opinion and contribution is what makes football the richly intellectually stimulating communal experience that it is.

20 37 Was that a half of football or wasn’t it? It was. Just in case you hadn’t realised.

20 36 HALF TIME

20 35 Carlton Cole nearly ends the fixture 135 minutes early by nearly scoring from the edge of the box, but David Marshall prevents everyone from getting home on time by tipping the ball round the post. David Marshall likes making you late. He hopes you fall out with your family who thought you’d be home in time to tuck them in. Remember that.

20 34 Kevin Nolan gets away with a possible handball, though not for long, as Ben Turner promptly mows him down.

20 31 Sky Sports assert that Cardiff wouldn’t really like to go to Upton Park 2-0 down. They also add that Malky MacKay shits in the woods, which everyone already knew.

20 30 GOAL WEST HAM This time Collison is distracted by no unseen animals and twats the ball into a crowd of players in the Cardiff area, it ends up ricocheting into the net like a pinball fail.

20 28 Cardiff now flamboyantly playing as if they have a large lead

20 25 Following up his arse-clearance from earlier, footballing pioneer Whittingham attempts to score a goal by nearly booting James Tomkins’ face off.

20 23 Collison’s incompetence inspires the Bluebirds, who drive forward and force a failed penalty appeal when Liam Lawrence blunders over. Kenny Miller takes the outrageous decision to try a shot of some quality, which just goes wide.

20 22 Jack Collison lines up a long range pearler, but gets distracted by an invisible dog, which he decides to boot in the head instead.

20 20 Cardiff touch the ball for the sixth time of the evening

20 18 West Ham enjoying the feel of the football beneath their feet, sadly they’re not attempting to make this an enjoyable spectator experience by doing anything of note whilst in position.

20 15 Cardiff City seemed determined not to jeopardise their position as regular play off failures by doing something unprecedented, like playing well, subsequently winning and getting promoted. Expect more of the same next year.

20 12 Corner West Ham, Shilts’ housemate bangs on the door asking for his milk and in true professional pundit manner, Shilts stops paying attention to the game and tells aforementioned housemate to do one. Presumably nothing happened.

20 11 After Papiss Cisse’s innovative take on the screamer yesterday, Peter Whittingham puts his own spin on the quick free kick, booting it up his own teammate’s arse from 3 yards out.

20 09 Aaron Gunnarson keeps throwing the ball in rate far, but it’s currently entirely ineffective, like placebo. The band, not the drug.

20 07 West Ham are carving out shoddy chances like a child given his first swiss army knife and flailing it about everywhere. Cardiff’s defence are plywood in this metaphor.

20 05 Ricardo Vaz Te flops on the floor in Cardiff’s penalty area, nobody seems to care

20 01 Cardiff’s Aaron Gunnarson throws the ball into his box in the manner of someone who has just had his friend hand him a bag to hold unassumingly, only to find out the bag is full of urine. West Ham get it away, splattering piss everywhere in the process.

19 56 GOAL! West Ham’s traitorous Welshman Jack Collison bounces the ball off the floor, into David Marshall’s palm and then off his head into the net. Where integrated ballet appeared to give Cole little joy, basketball has seen the Hammers take the lead. Cardiff need to respond with their own mongrel version of football, equestrian perhaps.

19 54 Carlton Cole flicks the ball over his head, attempting to perform a pirouette as he does so. Unfortunately he fails, and falls over, meaning the entire move can be frowned upon from the perspective of both ballet and football enthusiasts.

19 52: Losing none of his original panache for the task, Shilts is 5 minutes late and has missed kick off. Everyone still appears to be playing football though, so I doubt I’ve missed anything.

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Arsene Wenger: “I will not change approach”

Aggrieved at watching their side throw away another title, like a Sergio Ramos covered in grease and precariously perched above an infinite crevice as a masked gunman bursts in and orders everyone to put their hands up or he’ll shoot, Arsenal fans have expressed yet more frustration towards manager Arsene Wenger’s refusal to compromise tactically.

Yet, speaking exclusively* to Perez Shilton, the Frenchman has once again vowed to stick with his tactics: “I have developed a vision here at Arsenal Football Club and intend to see it through.

“Long have pundits claimed that my teams try to ‘pass-it-into-the-net’, but this is simply not true. My teams try to ‘pass-around-the-area-of-the-net-then-give-it-to-Bendtner-who-tries-to-bicycle-kick-the-ball-even-though-it’s-on-the-floor-then-allow-the-opposition-to-hoof-it-clear-and-sometimes-score-as-a-result’ so I will not listen to anymore of this ‘pass-it-in’ nonsense, that tactic would never work!

The patented 'Wenger Manoeuvre'

“People may also criticise my recent tactical decision to allow the opposition to score goals late on which prevent us winning the match, but I stand by it. Once the players get used to and gain valuable experience in it by, say, next season, it will reap dividends. The players will have matured by then.

“People also say ‘Oh! Arsene! You’ve  been saying that your players will have matured and grown in experience by next season every season since Denilson was 9, this group of players aren’t young anymore, enough excuses, sort it out!’ But I say to them; look at Squillaci, only 30 years old and with plenty of time to develop into a not entirely rubbish centre back. And Emmanuel Eboué, only 27, shows me everyday in training the promise to develop into the successful folk singer songwriter we always knew he would be when we brought him to this club.

“Every summer, people come up to me and say ‘Oh hey Arsene, why don’t you buy in established talent?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, when are you gonna spend all that money you’ve never had?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, why don’t you melt Tomas Rosicky down and use him as a doorstop for the changing rooms or perhaps a mobile phone antennae?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, can you put some clothes on and get off our lawn, you’re scaring my kids?’ and I’m so sick of it. When have I listened to any of these things? Never.

“So fuck off.”

*And fictionally

Sort of Looks Like #10: Jose Bosingwa and Niko Bellic from Grand Theft Auto 4

When not marauding around as a right back for Chelsea, Jose Bosingwa likes nothing better than stealing a car, mowing down some foo’s, then wasting some pigs with his AK47 before finally cheating to get a tank and blowing everyone up. Or so I’ve heard.

GTA IV’s Niko Bellic                                       

Jose Bosingwa

Pelé announces updated ‘FIFA 100’

Pelé having a giant silver ball impact into his skull, rendering him comatose

Greatest player ever and all round self congratulatorist Pelé has updated his ‘Pelé 100’ list and we here at Perez Shilton have got our greedy mitts on it first!* The results make for surprising reading…

Aside from the obvious inclusion of himself at the top of the list, the Brazilian’s decision to include former Swansea, Bristol City and current Neath striker Lee Trundle a staggering 76 times has baffled many critics.

As has the inclusion of Rahmane Barry, a striker who, over his seven year career has amassed a total of 52 appearances and 6 goals and is currently plying his trade with Beauvais in the French third division. An official statement from Pelé himself has justified Barry’s entry, stating: “he was wicked sick on Pro Evolution Soccer 4 in the Master League mode, can’t deny raw talent like that.”

Here is the updated ‘Pelé 100’ list, for your viewing pleasure: Read more of this post

Entire Real Madrid squad pull out of Champions League tie with Tottenham Hotspur

Real Madrid "not up for the Champions League"

Already buoyed by the news that Cristiano Ronaldo, Karim Benzema and Marcelo were definitely not going to face them during their Champion’s League clash, Tottenham Hotspur have received even better news upon hearing that the entire Real Madrid squad have pulled out of the fixture, stating that they “can’t be bothered”, effectively giving Spurs a by till the Semi Finals.

Manager Jose Mourinho has been quoted (by Shilts) as saying “I look at the team sheet and I see important names missing, names such as Ronaldo, Benzema, Marcelo, Winston Bogarde; all missing. Then I think ‘what is the point? Can Jose be arsed to pick a team full of these amateurs such as Kaka and Higuain? No. No he can’t. So let Spurs have their day, Jose doesn’t care for them or their petty tournament.”

In light of these events, Spurs bossed Harry Redknapp has immediately heaped praise upon himself stating “I ‘ad a feelin’ that those Madrid boys wouldn’t be up for the match so I went over there and hit that fella Ronaldo with me 4×4, then reversed over his prostrate body a coupl’a times. Brilliant tactical move. Then I emailed Jose, insulted all of his family and said that I reckon he should focus on the Champions League ravver than the La Liga, knowing full well that he is well petulant and would do the opposite. Lavely.

“When you’ve been in the game as long as I ‘ave, you know when an’ how to make these decisions, an’ there’s no doubt that this Fabio Capello chap doesn’t, so inevitably these skills will come in ‘andy when I’m the England gaffer.

“I’m not saying I’m un’appy ‘ere at Spurs, I lav it ‘ere, but if you give me the England job I won’t lav it quite as much, if you know what I mean. Basically I’m available.

“C’MON FA ‘ARRY’S YOUR BITCH!

“…Er… I lav it ‘ere at Spurs…”

Football historically introduced in Wales for the first time

Wales' Collins struggles to get to grips with the basic concepts of the sport early on and accidentally gives a penalty away whilst trying to mate with the ball.

In 1965, an Italian man working in England at the time ventured into Wales and introduced them to the concept of fire, by burning down everything he saw in disgust. The intrepid Celts took to this new concept instantly and began using it on a frequent basis, turning their previously permanently cold, dark and uninhabitable landscape into a merely uninhabitable landscape which was occasionally cold and dark.

Skip forward to the present day and the charitable actions of one Fabio Capello have meant that an event of similar magnitude and circumstance has occurred; the Welsh have now been given football.

Mr Capello, with the FA’s permission and blessing – for this expedition fell under their one of their outreach schemes to bring football to a more deprived audience – kindly took the English national team across the Severn Bridge in order to stage an international match with the Welsh. Running out 2-0 winners on the day against a team of Welshmen who spontaneously decided to ‘give the sport a go’, Capello has described the trip as a success:

“We weren’t-ah sure if the barbarians would like the game of ah-football, but a few of them seemed keen. At first they didn’t ah-know how to play because I-ah tactically decided against ah-telling them all of the ah-rules. This allowed us to-ah go 1-0 up instantly when ah clumsy bald ah-man the locals know as ‘Collins’ ah-tried to play-ah the rugby in his penalty box, getting us ah-penalty.

“Then we scored again because I ah-told their manager, who the locals know as ‘Garyspeed’, that conceding goals was ah-positive approach to take. Annoyingly, they caught on to the actual ah-rules pretty fast and in the ah-last thirty minutes they actually ah-got the hang. Then many of them got bored and started playing in the ah-dirt and eating the coal instead. I noticed this and ah-tactically went defensive, putting Milner on for the Rooney to end ah-the game.

“Overall, I think it was ah-success. We were worried that ah-the savage natives would harm our players, but I can report that only ah-Phil Jagielka is missing, and ah-Lamps claims he saw a pack of young urchins feasting on his ah-succulent body.”

Perez Shilton interviewed one of the Welsh locals from a safe distance who saw the game and identified himself, after much thought and contemplation on the question of his name, as ‘Robb-er…robin…er….rob…robbiessssssavagethat’sitrobbiesavage…ithink’ and spoke only through shouting. Of the sport he had just witnessed, he had this to say:

“IT WAS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN YEAH AND IN MY LIFETIME I’VE SEEN A CAR, FIVE BOOBS AND DADDY CAMP WITH CUBA GOODING JUNIOR, SO IT WAS PRETTY GOOD I RECKON YEAH.”

Shortly after this, the local started snarling menacingly and dribbling on himself. Not au fait with their customs, Shilts interpreted this as a territorial warning and ran away. Either he was correct or the vagrant was reading a sign with Welsh on it.

Transfer Deadline Day Live!(ish)

PhotobucketAs has become the norm, every deadline day Perez Shilton hands over blog duties to resident transfer expert Little Johnny who, as is the norm, chooses to report over increasingly unconventional hours. This time; from 15:45 to whenever he gets bored

15.45: Liverpool set to offer £35 million, Steven Gerrard’s limbs and Anfield in order to secure the services of Andy Carroll. Bit of a gamble.

15.49: My mate has just seen Edgar Davids get on the wrong bus after forgetting his glasses. He’s now travelling to Staines, maybe a move’s on the cards?

15.54: My uncle owns a kebab shop in Hereford and swears that Fernando Torres just came in and ordered a lamb doner. Then was sick everywhere.

16.16: Sorry for the delay, I saw something shiny and chased after it. I spoke to Harry Redknapp re Carroll’s transfer and he said: “£35 mil? Do you know how many times I could buy Pascal Chimbonda for that? Once. Then I’d sell him.”

16.19: Just seen Richard Dunne sheepishly enter an adult bookstore in Doncaster, then run out again crying.

16.22: Kevin Nolan is annoyed by Carroll’s departure as it means Shoala Ameobi now has to read to his kids instead. Shoala can’t read.

16.25: Arsene Wenger looks to continue his trend of signing shit French centre backs with his desperate pursuit of Jean Alain Boumsong. On mopeds.

16.33: This has been sent in by my mate Craig: “Ello jon, cn u come out l8r? plus i just saw michael essien in a park pleasuring himself”. After selling Andy Carroll, Newcastle will be looking to replenish their quota of players with criminal records, as is their tradition.

16.35: Avid reader Phil has sent in this: “Just seen Franny Jeffers in a sombrero! He looked well silly!” Thanks Phil…

16.39: My other uncle, a taxi driver (he exists I tell you!), apparently has Fernando Torres in the back and has been trying to find Stamford Bridge for 4 hours and has ended up at a Redditch motorway service station.

16.42: Tottenham have signed veteran striker Rod Stewart on a two year deal.

16.45: More news on the Fernando Torres taxi saga; they’re currently pulled in at a lay by as a head gaskett has blown. Nando’s happily munching on Hobknobs though.

16.48: Bad luck Birmingham, new loan signing Obafemi Martins has apparently failed a medical due to being ‘dead for at least 3 years.’

16.52: Sir Alex Ferguson is having considerable difficulty acquiring Charlie Adam as he is in the middle of a twenty five minute coughing fit on the phone after choking on a Ginsters.

16.57: Gary Neville has apparently shot down a rare bird with a bb gun over Kilmarnock and is now facing a court case with the RSPCA.

17.00: The time has come when Little Johnny has become bored. He is currently jamming Playdough up his nose, but wants to leave you with a few predictions of transfers to come later on; “Furious bidding war to escalate over John Aldridge. You can bet yo’ ass.” For legal reasons, Perez Shilton advises you not to bet your anus.