Schoolboy Match Reports: Netherlands 0 – 1 Denmark Euro 2012

Shilts hands over to the self proclaimed voice of the self proclaimed voices of the internet, football forum expert and 6 year old; Little Johnny for a recap of all the action from yesterday’s Group B game between Netherlands and Denmark.

Netherlands 0 – 1 Denmark (Krohn Dehli, 24)

how can netherlands not even beat danmark?!? lmao, i don’t even know where it is, i think they made it up and netherlands are just losing to a team made of bits of wood found in a skip baso imo.

in 1st half, the team of oranges are just having all of the chances but they are being so bad goaling that my dad just laughed at the tv until he started choking on his peanuts and then mum took him to hospital. aryan robbin and afeleye were worse than wetting yourself in the middle of assembly and then having to take your trousers off and being known as ‘wee boy’ all year, but they carved out some decent efforts.

the worst man was the man with a duplo haircut, robert van persie, who is a great big idiot who is not scoring the goals all the time, so he has not opened his accounts and is still having to carry all of his goals in his van pursie and they are spilling out all over the floor and round the post but not into the goals lol. he is so overrated, he is like pombear crisps, i do not care for those ppl who say ‘he was so good last season’ you are moroons = he is just blatantly rubbish and has proved that in this last game.

one of the danmark players went up and then just ran at the defenseman one way and then the other way and the orange defenseman just didnt know what to do. in the end he just didnt tackle krohn’s deli and it goes through the keepers legs and its a GOOOOOOOAL! 1-0! the oranges found themselves eating humble pie made of orange and were not liking the taste of their own flavour.

danmark started to feel sorry for netherlands as they knew everyone would make fun of them for being totally cack so the keeper is just giving the ball to aryan robbin who cannot even score then! instead he hits the post and then stands there and thinks ‘what have i done? it was basically an open goal apart from the three defenders and goalkeeper in front of me, i might even quit and become a binman!’ in the end the manager came on to the pitch and slapped him in the face and said ‘NOT NOW ARYAN, PLEASE NOT NOW’.

 then the funniest ever moments of football happened when robert vp went to score a goal but instead kicked the air really hard! lol. even my nan could score that and she just stays in her big chair smoking and shouting out her window at foreign ppl. she would have to be allowed out first and mum says that she doesnt like taking granny sue anywhere because we always have to leave early because she gets so angry.

in literally the last second of the game, class jan huntinglark goes up and kicks the ball in the penalty box and the danmark man forgets how to play and thinks he is keeping goal and just slaps the ball like my friend terrance’s dad slaps him in the face. twice. it is probably because they do not have football in danmark and he just doesn’t know the rules so the ref says ‘i will let you off this time but i have called handball now so next time i will punish you’ but class jan just yells in the refs face, so the ref blows the final whistle and the game ends.”


Sort of Looks Like #3: Arjen Robben and Lance Armstrong

This time; Bayern Munich winger Arjen Robben sort of looks like seven times Tour de France winner and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong.